Porn, Escort Pics, cheating, please help!

Thank you for taking time out to read my post. Over the past two years, I've been battling demons, mostly due to lack of sexual confidence and performance anxiety with my wife. I relied on porn, and social networking chats for stimulation and arousal. I created a profile on a social networking site and would chat with women from all over. The goal was to eventually receive intimate pictures, or hot chat. I love my wife very much and didn't want to meet any of the women in "the real world". My wife then discovered what I was doing, and lets just say it's been a very tough year for both of us, but mostly for her. She felt betrayed and in essence, we both agreed what I did is considered cheating. I stopped watching porn and don't befriend any strangers on social networking sites. I also agreed to couples counseling, which helped immensely, and helped build the trust and regain the love we're always had for one another.

Recently, since our relationship has been strong, we've discussed the possibility of children, and decided we woukld try to conceive. Well, this decision seemed to revert me back to my old bad habits as I started having performance anxiety and intimacy issues again. Instead of porn and social media, I started to view escort websites, mostly for photos. I'm travelling to Germany on business this week, and looked up escort sites, gentleman's clubs, etc in Germany, NY, London. Again, I didn't have any intention of being with an escort, it was merely for the photographs and the "thrill and tabooness" of the escorts. To make a long story short, my wife discovered this. We've had a huge row, and now we appear to be back where we started, before relationship therapy and all the trust and love is broken. I would like any input, views, advice on this matter. It's hard for me to understand why I did, and continue to do hurtful and harmful things to myself and my wife. I love her and want the marriage to last, the way we promised.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!

 

Seems like you need to constantly get "thrills" you need to decide whats important to you or get better at hiding all this, but then you wont have an honest relationship. Doesnt your wife arouse you? are you the type of men that need that "variety" to get stimulated?

 

It's unfair to your wife, especially after council ling......
time to start being on your own and thinking what you
can do for yourself before hurting others and brining children
to the picture when things aren't even stable now...

 

you're a weak excuse for a trusting husband...you dont need help...your wife needs a divorce lawyer...no way you deserve a second chance

 

I agree with everything that's been said and respect everyone's opinion. My wife has tried to work with me, understand my issues. and be supportive. I did make tremendous strides with honesty, trust, and commitment through couples/relationship therapy. I do need to figure out how to cope and communicate in a productive way. I've tried to work through my issues in a totally non productive, selfish way. I merely made promises to stop two bad habits, and replaced them with an even worse habit.

I've explained to my wife, and realised myself that physically cheating with another woman isn't an option and would only create more issues with sexual confidence and performance anxiety. Looking at porn, chatting to strangers on social media, and escort sites and pics were merely a distraction to avoid my problems, but resulted in even bigger problems and more hurt. Seeking "thrills" elsewhere doesn't solve the intimacy issues I'm having with my wife, who I don't deserve, especially after everything I've put her through.

I'm looking into pyscho sexual therapy, something we discussed during relationship therapy. but never addressed. I also discussed with my wife that we would talk every day, even if it's for 15 minutes about how I'm feeling, and some of my thoughts. It's embarrasing and not a great confidence builder, but I need to own up to what I've done and created for myself.

I know it's hard for anyone to believe. but sometimes the easiest solution to obvious problems, isn't so easy to fix or come to a conclusion quickly. I know the easy way out would be for my wife and I to give up and go our seperate ways, but we both really want to make this work. I love her and want to build a great honest, sUpportive, trusting life together. I want her to be proud of the man she married. Now I just need to respect her, talk to her openly, and use her love and support to help me conquer my issues. I'm not a bad person, just a lousy selfish husband. Hopefully one day I can show my wife the compassionate, caring, loving, selfless man she feel in love with and married.

 

Ease up buddy... you're going to bust a nutsack with all that tension. No one's perfect

 

All this because you look at pictures and talk dirty in chatrooms? No wonder divorce is up.

Edit: How hot is your wife, OP? On a scale of 1-10. And, how good in bed is she? On a scale of 1-10.

 

really? buddy are you not cheating because you are not confident enough with your performance? you wife i am sure would love this answer... ass

 

In my opinion women should take their win and stop complaining. It's enough that we are mongomous when every bone in our body tells us to bang every chick we see - but we're not allowed to watch porn anymore either?

I think it's the lesser of two evils - maybe instead of making excuses or trying to change you should be focusing on setting realistic expectations with the wifey.

 

How do you think she feels, you are having problems in bed and you turn to other women. Even if it is just looking. I'm sure she felt just as inadequate, her own husband can't get aroused by her.......

 

Why would you want to have children with all of that going on. Figure your life out, whats important to you. Sounds like you have a real problem, try out sex addiction classes.

Goodluck.

 

Everyone should get married and divorced at least once in their lifetime.

 

General decency and a respect for your right to hold this opinion prevents me from expressing how strongly I disagree with it.

 

I think you like being married, but I also think that you're not in love with your wife. You need to really look into yourself and figure that out. If you're really in love with your wife then you won't even have the desire for this kind of stuff. I know people will disagree with me on this, but I that's been my personal experience. She obviously doesn't trust you, because she obviously keeps checking on what you've been up to online - can't blame her after the initial episode(s) - though the unless she really did actually stumble upon your online activities the first time - she must have had trust issues to begin with. Why punish her and you for not being in love with her? Be a man, move along.

 

I guess the point is we've talked about my issues., set realistic guidelines. She has actually been very accomodating and understanding. The porn she said was okay and we could watch it together. It was more the chatting to other women online, which I agreed wasn't right to do, as a committed married man. My wife is very attractive, sexy, and we had been practising a few things to spice up our romance. I am still sexually attreacted to my wife, but I put immese pressure on myself to perform. I have never wanted to cheat with anyone else physically, and I think she knows that. In this day, if you want to cheat with someone, you will find a way. I just didn't want to go back to the old bad habits. Instead I was stupid and chose a new bad habit, pictures and escort sites.

The problem is when you're doing what you do for whatever reason, you don't think about the other person in your life. It's only until it creates a problem is when you become empthetic, and realise the amount of pain and anguish you have caused to your spouse. I know I'm far from perfect. I'm just trying to be honest with myself first, then with my wife. I will do what it takes and I do appreciate everyone's input.

 

I don't think she understands men very well. Her expectations are unrealistic, but also very common, unfortunately. What you've been doing is harmless, and has nothing to do with her.

Why can't men and women accept the fact that we think differently? So many times, I have heard women complaining about their men expressing their natural interest in promiscuity, and asserting that "everybody knows" it is wrong. I'm usually the only one in the group who doesn't agree.

I'm not saying that your wife needs to learn how to think like a typical, healthy, normal, straight man. I am saying that she needs to accept the fact that you do.

Maybe she has a deep fear that your flirting is going to lead to something more; something that may have real, negative consequences for her. All you can do is prove her wrong with your actions, consistently.

 

maybe he should just put someone else through hell so he can feel better about what huge[bullshit] efforts he has made by attending a therapy session....cut the girl loose so she has a shot at not spiraling down into his dismal abyss....

 

You have the right to disagree - I'd like to hear your opinion

 

how is it nothing to do with her? he is neglecting her sexually or having "problems" while expressing this natural interest in promiscuity = cheating if you are living married life???? she actually said that looking at porn is ok with her - so looks like she is ok with the "natural" interest. but he started to look up escorts which can lead to a physical cheating easily.

 

You're applying typical female thinking to men. We link things together more than they do. His issues with his wife are all about her. Those issues are separate from his interest in porn. We always consider the social consequences of everything we do. Men can do this, but it isn't automatic.

Guys had to explain to me at least a dozen times how this works before I got it.

For men, anything can lead to cheating. All that matters is whether or not he actually does it. Unless he is butt-ugly or a dork, temptation is going to be everywhere.

Hell, I've seen women openly flirt with my boyfriend in front of me. And I know he hasn't done anything to initiate it, because he hasn't been out of my sight all night. Some girls just like the challenge. I halfway understand that. And they think the best guys are always taken, so if you want the best, you have to take them away from somebody else.

I do a little flirting too sometimes, but I don't do anything that I've promised my bf that I won't do.