...she says. I read this post: And suddenly I felt like shit because my mother has told me she has cancer, and I was wondering why this does not upset me. Then I realized... I think I do not believe her. The day she told me: >We lived in Tampa >She says 'pack your bags, we're going to High Springs for a the weekend,(to escape then-boyfriend) we'll be back by Sunday (for school) >She drops me at my father's and disappears >Sunday comes, no word from her >Monday morning she shows up and says she had a Job interview and that is why we came here >I ask her why didn't she say that, and why did she take the dog to the job interview >She then tells me she actually went to a doctor's appointment >they told her she has ovarian cancer (a brand new doctor in a completely different city diagnosed cancer she didn't know she had any signs of on the first visit...and she brought the dog... ?) >I ask to be a part in her healing, she says no >only brings it up when she doesn't come through with a promise to me Anyway my mom is completely untrustworthy, every one of her four marriages has been destroyed because of her lying, cheating, and alcoholism... and I simply do not believe her when she says she has cancer. On the other hand, however, what if she does. I am the only person who has not cut off contact with her completely (though advised by everyone else) and I can't bear to think that she will be on her death bed absolutely alone. But on the OTHER other hand, (I have many hands) I can't be responsible for her entire support system when she deserves nothing off of me. ??? I'm confused about this. It's something I've been struggling with for a while now. I'm back and forth with everything, she's had a hard life, she hasn't done anything to change it... she has no one, she burnt all her bridges.... she has cancer, I'm being taken advantage of... she doesn't have cancer, I'm a bitch when she dies.... I think my mom is lying about cancer, given the above examples of her unreliability and shenanigans, how likely is my theory to be true? /another family rant
sorry to hear....Sounds like a crazy situation to be put into you know...I guess reality will heal it eventually with the death of us all so take it easy is best thing i can say..I feel i should shut up in this thread
my grandpa was a lot like your mom, he claimed to have cancer for about 10 years and nothing ever happened and i never really believed him. then he died of cancer. ask her for proof. she can't really hold it against you if she's been as untrustworthy as you say.
I have asked her to include me in this aspect of her life, but she claims she doesn't want to burden me with it. This is coming from a woman who shared every single personal detail that a daughter is not meant to hear on a daily basis. During the last year of a five-year breakup in her last relationship, she came to me every night for hour and hours just to vent. The same things every single night. For the first couple of weeks I saw that she needed someone to be there for her, but after that I told her that I could not be that person anymore... it was driving me insane. The memories are shoved too far deep inside that little repression box to even think of what we talked about, I just remember thinking that is she told me 'I hurt' one more time I'd kill someone. Every Night. Hours. All the little details, about how she had to sleep with someone just to get grocery money or how disastrous her childhood was... and insanity ensued. She is not right, not sane or stable.... she is irrational and perpetually drunk. So being rational with such a person is impossible!! This is my challenge: I cannot say what I need to say to her because she won't get it.
I hate to be all srs bsns mode all over the internets at two in the morning (here, anyway) but damn, a girls gotta vent to near-strangers every now and again.
Whether she is lying or not I suggest you prepare yourself for her death. But dont overreact when she brings it up, just let her know you love her. I repeat myself, Expect it. If she lies, let her know you still love her. She is probably covering up something very emotional to her if she has to resort to a lie such as saying she has cancer. I am sorry, goodluck.
The reason I can't abandon her like the rest of the family- and her two other children- have is because I'm the only one that knows how her life has gone for her. There is a reason she isn't quite right, after all. But what I've learned through our relationship is not to get my hopes up. Anyway, thanks for the advice d00dz
I'm sorry, but after living with cancer on my mind all the time and seeing my father die from it, I believe that if people want to lie about having cancer, then they are the ones that deserve it. I've known a few people who have lied about having it.
Is she a danger to herself? Is she getting treatment for the cancer? Does she take care of her other children? Is she a danger to them? Cus... It could be a step too far, but maybe, get a professional opinion from a psychologist / talk to someone about her mental health? I agree with Underwear, Get a signed diagnosis or doctor's note, or something from the hospital, say something like if you can't provide proof (because every doctor and hospital will provide proof such as appointment dates and stuff like that, dfinitely diagnosis proof) then you'll have to take some time out from her or something. If she does have it, would you rather be regretful that you didn't believe her, or let down if she doesn't? Try and be as level-headed as possible, wait for proof, until then be .. i dunno. you don't have to make a decision whether you do or don't believe her. If you doubt it, doubt is enough of a decision already. Until she can prove herself.
I can relate. I still talk to my mom and dad, but I`ve come to terms with what our relationship is. It will probably always be superficial, and unsatisfying. They have done what to me is a lot of posturing about having a full-blown, reciprocal relationship. But, I have learned from myriad tries that it`s all posturing. As soon as I try to get closer to them, they will 'put me in my place.' So, if I`m interacting with them, I expect it will be like a distant acquaintance. We talk about superficial things, and my job is to avoid anything personal in spite of their probing. The other part of the job that is up to me, is saying no. No, not now. No, I am busy. Some other time, etc. Because they constantly want my attention and time, but only if they can control me. When I get cancer, the last thing I`ll want is for them to be around. So, I would lie about not having it. :biggrin:
Its tough Sarah-you are not responsible for your mom.. you can only be around for her. if she's telling you lies it because she is sick.try not to judge her. Good luck. be strong:2thumbsup:
Sorry about your situation. Your mom has forgotten that you are her child, not her friend. It's shitty of her to tell you about HER decisions as if you could have helped her. I hope she doesn't really have cancer, but if she does it's not your fault.
I actually avoided this thread yesterday. I signed on and read it and closed it out as I wanted to say something and thought maybe I should not. Bad move as I spent from 12pm last night until 6 pm in emerg, my local spa. That any person parent or not should say that they have cancer and do not is just not all right with me. My kids have had to deal with this since they were 11 and 12. They have been through hell and back and it should never had have to have been. That they had to hear that I was told I had one year and then it was wrong. It is a blessing but also took away some of their youth. I am determined that it will not take away more than it has to. We lived for 3 years in 3 week cycles. First week was hell week, second was we were going to make it through and third was week one is coming again. The kids would curl up with me on the floor and just lay there when the chemo would hit and every nerve ending in my whole body hit fire. We would plan out life and meals and they would not ask me if they could do anything as they knew that I could not even give them an answer on that. They lost a huge part of childhood. That is my biggest regret. You posted and from that I feel that you may need to do this for you. There is something to be said for doing just that. It does not matter what has gone before in in many ways what will go from now on. It just may be something you need closure on for you. You will not probably be totally settled no matter which way it does go but the need in you to do what you can is what matters and needs to be done. There really is something to be said for that. Now it comes down to a healthy place for you to be, find that. Compassion and acceptance are really great gifts to not only bestow to others but to grant ourselves. You will not be fine if you walk away, so maybe you need to walk to-wards and do what you just need to for you. There is a reason you have been granted a nature that is nurturing and perhaps that is where you need to start. Take care of you and love and light to you in this difficult time.
I was hoping you might reply. She is surely not a mother like you; Though I cannot claim to know you very well at all I sense that you are deeply compassionate about your children. We have the ability to have a beautiful relationship, that is, when she is feels like having one. She will preach forever about unconditional love, but it seems like the only time she remembers I exist is on the rare occasion she is sober. There are not many things in this world that anger me but she has the amazing ability to pull everything that is ugly out of me. I resent her for using me in the ways that she does, but I cannot bear to see my mother without the one person left that truly loves and understands her. That being said, I will probably never know if she is telling the truth. Based on reasoning, I would assume that this, just like everything else that spews from her mouth, is a big fat lie. Based on emotion, I cannot risk not believing her because that would potentially leave her going through yet another trial of life all alone. The best thing to do for my sanity is to walk away from her completely, at this point our relationship is based on her availability to take advantage of my compassion, and use my couch when she needs to hide from the cops or come over 'just to visit' and steal my money (and my father's alcohol) She lies, she cheats, she steals.... but she is my mother. I suppose this thread is pointless, aside from organizing my thoughts a little further. It seems like I will be maintaining the status quo. Thanks for listening to be ramble, internets.
Yes, she is your mother, when it is all said and done she is. Families are all residual feeling and events. Moving past those are what makes us people who instead of saying we are family honestly say we like who we all are, warts and all. Where did your compassion or right of family come from? Perhaps the one person who can not help herself but somehow managed to pass it on so that it still exists in your family module? I will not make excuses for her but also consider that slow moving cancers also cause imbalances in people. That may not have been what happened but it may have been. I do not know and no one else will either, let alone you or her. That you and your family lived with it is another one of those life things. Did it hurt, make you stronger, destroy you? Only if that is what you take from it. You need closure, that does not mean that it is defined under what others believe it to be. What do you need to close? Do you need her to say she was a failure, do you need to walk away, do you need to feel right.......or do you just need to make peace with all of it. Then you can make the decision Be wary as what you need to close is not you. You, by the very post and questions show that closure is not in you but in what it may grant you and those blessed by that gift. You may hold the unique gift of being able to grant closure to others. The most amazing thing about that gift is that when we can do that we manage to find closure in ourselves.
My mother has all the compassion in the world but the wrong priorities. She has the capacity to be the mother she aspired to be, but none if the willingness to change. This I have heard from her many times, though it is always empty. She accepts that she has failed me... though I even tell her it is not the case. Disappointed, sure... but never failed. This is the problem of the rest of the family, surely... of her three kids, I am the only one that will give her the time of day! Sometimes I think that walking away from her forever is the right choice, but what is a daughter's life without a mother? I think I am realizing that I need to sit down with her, or maybe even write her a letter (as I am not as skilled with talking as I am with writing, especially because she is the type that does not listen, and instead waits for her turn to speak) though I do not know what it is I want to say to her! Thank you for your replies.
So then do not shut yourself off. You will regret that and there are already too many regrets. If you are better at written, then do so and give it to her and walk away and let it just sit. It can be then a platform for talking. Or not but it will give you the closure or choices that you need. I see in you, a clarity that is there, you already know what you need to do and it is going to come about. You have a gift and it will serve you well, just let it. Love and light to you and healing.
