Hey, first time poster, but I've been lurking for a while. Sorry about the length of the post. I don't even know why I am posting it, actually. I just needed to write it all down and get it off my chest, I suppose. Little bit of background info: I'm 24 and have not been in a relationship of any kind for three and a half years. The girl mentioned is almost 21 and has never been in any type of relationship. So anyway... my wonderfully long post: I would say that the whole thing started roughly a year ago. I went so long trying to avoid feelings for my best friend, that it took me by surprise one day when I looked up and saw not just my friend, but a beautiful woman standing next to me. I knew the feeling was not reciprocated, as she had always made it clear that she wasn't really interested in dating. So, I kept my mouth shut and didn't say anything. As time went on, we became closer and closer friends, spending more and more time together. We began hanging out with each other at seemingly every possible moment. We would meet up two or three times a week, just to talk, watch a movie, go hiking, or swimming in the dark; any number of things. After six months of this close bond of friendship, I finally decided to tell her what my feelings were. I knew I was going to regret it at the time, but I couldn't keep it to myself any longer. I was so scared of what her response was going to be, I tried to think of a way to break it to her carefully. It kind of backfired and I didn't pull it off with much grace. She actually continued to tease me about it for quite some time after that (don't feel like going into what I did, atm). The problem was, she didn't actually give me an answer. I think she was so surprised by the revelation of my feelings for her, that she needed time to process them. No one had ever asked her on a date or into a relationship before that time, and she claims that she’d never given any thought to the idea of dating (which I still find hard to believe, because we’d talked about whether or not she’d ever date, in the past). So we left it at that: waiting for her decision. Over that time (roughly six months), our relationship continued to grow. We both made several mistakes in those early days. We became too close; we entered in to a non-physical "dating relationship" without realizing it. She was naïve and didn’t realize what we’d become, and I didn’t say anything because of my desires of it continuing. We continued to get together very frequently, sharing new adventures (traveling to Colorado together, etc., but nothing ever happened beyond just being friends. No kissing, nothing) and talking more in-depth about things that were important to us. I asked her several more times after that first time for her to give me an answer, and every time she was reluctant to say yes or no. She enjoyed what we had, but she wasn’t sure she was ready to commit. This really wasn’t a bother to me, as I began to just figure that she would come around when she was ready. With as close as we were and the relationship we had, there was no reason for her not to say “yes”. If you asked anyone that knew us, it was obvious that she was going to say yes. Most people already assumed we were dating. Even her own family believed her intentions were to eventually say yes. But then something changed. She transferred to another college. During this time, we were talking on the phone daily and sending texts to each other all throughout the day. It wasn’t me crowding her either; she was doing it just as much as I was. But from what she says, she decided about half-way through the semester that she was going to say no, though it took her another couple months to actually tell me that. In the meantime, we carried on much like we always had. Even when she came home, we were still very close. We still spent a lot of time together, and we still talked daily, but I could sense that something might have changed. I didn’t know for sure and I hoped it wasn’t true, so I stuck it to the back of my mind. It took her nearly a month to tell me, because of all the things that were going on at the time (my birthday, Christmas, a couple other things). But then it came. “I have finally reached a decision, and… the answer is no, and will never be yes.” She told me, while we sat in the car after dropping her sister off at the airport. I sat there in silence for a moment before asking her why. That’s when she told me that she’d made the decision while she was away at college and then she listed a bunch of reasons why she couldn’t date me. None of which made any sense to me. They were illogical and seemingly half-hearted attempts at excuses. Things like: · I want to be able to travel. · I want to be able to continue to take classes. · I need to work through things… alone. And so here we are. Six months after I asked her; a year after I started falling for her… I finally get friend-zoned. That was nearly a month ago that we had our discussion, and it’s still hard for me to grasp what exactly happened. I, and everyone else around us, thought that we were going to wind up together. But apparently something happened that made her change her mind. I know she didn't fall for another guy or anything, but I am unsure of what would have happened. And I feel foolish for hanging onto this for as long as I have, but I fell in love with her, deeply, and there’s just this nagging feeling at the base of my skull, like something else is going on. I really and truly do feel like she’s the one. I don’t feel like I am saying this just because I was rejected, but I really feel like the wrong decision was made. I’ve been trying to let her go and move on, but my mind is absolutely not allowing me to let go of her. She plagues my dreams at night; she’s in my thoughts throughout the day. Even when I force myself to focus on something else and drive her from my thoughts, the moment I am done, she comes back, in at least some small way. It’s enough to drive me absolutely mad. I want to let her go; I really do. If I can’t be with her, then there is absolutely no reason for me to keep clinging to the idea of “us”. But alas, I love her and will continue to love her. I just hope that my mind will release me from this prison it currently has me trapped in, soon. So that's it. No advice is really needed, unless you feel like giving it. I know that over time my feelings will start to dissipate, I just wish it would hurry up. We're still good friends, which almost makes it harder, but neither of us is willing to lose the other completely. Thanks...
i saw the title, and thought this thread was about my penis... one thing that's kind of unclear.. has she been completely asexual her entire life? no sort of anything? maybe she's gay? either way, you were friend-zoned before you even said anything to her about it. women have this thing where they'll only become intimate with a complete stranger. they like to string people along to fuel their ego, but that doesn't mean you have any real chance.
haha... I knew someone was going to say something about the title, and I had a feeling it would be you. She's not gay (that I know of, and she's the type of girl that I think would have told me if she was, but I can't swear to it). She says she does have a desire for a relationship with a man, and to eventually get married some day. She just said that she didn't think I was the guy. And the thing about friend-zoning before I ever told her about my feelings, I kind of wondered about that as well. Other than the fact that it took her so long to finally come to a decision, and it did seem like she was going to say "yes" for the longest time. And we'd talked about it waaay before I ever told her how I felt, and she's always held that she would like to be good friends with someone before she dates them. So, on one hand... I know that can be hard, because once you become friends with someone... it's harder to unsee them as a friend. On the other hand, I know exactly where she's coming from. I like to be friends with the girls I date before I date them as well.
ha, you really have been lurking... that's what i was talking about with the stringing along. most women i've talked to about such things say they would like to be friends with someone before dating them, then they categorically reject all their friends and date a stranger. they tend to put off the official rejection as long as possible though, making you wonder until then.
Hmm, yes, I see what you're saying and it is something I have wondered about. However, be it from naivety or just outright blindness... I have a hard time seeing this girl doing that. I know it's common, but... it doesn't really fit her, psychologically. Also, it's very difficult for me to call a woman a bitch, even though once you get strung along by enough women, you might not think kindly of it. I don't know, I am half-inclined to say they do it unintentionally and that it's probably something that is passed down through example and being told what they "should" do. Then they find out it just doesn't work, and date the next guy that comes along.
Well, that is an interesting but sad story............... Sorry for all that you went through emotionally. Not too sure what her deal is, but yes it's time to go on. I know it's not the easiest to let go when you fallen in love with someone but you don't want to hurt yourself even more.
Sorry to be abrupt with you dude but she seems like kind of a bitch. I have no clue why you wouldn't split if she took that long to just say what she's thinking, I know she means the world to you but seeing as your in college there's a hell of a lot more women out there for you, lots that I'm sure who wouldn't just play you for a fool. That must suck to live with night and day but I think moving on is the only solution. My suggestion is to get rid of everything that strongly reminds you of her (presents, photos, etc.) and then just get out there. Your a young guy, I'm sure you'll find another.
I understand where you are coming from OP and honestly I don't think anybody will have a solution to your scenario other than to stay busy and try to find someone else. If you start pandering to her then you'll probably just come off as pathetic and resentful, and I think that will actually hurt the friendship she currently has with you because she'll feel some guilt for saying no. (make sure you don't come across as passive aggressive) Try to ask yourself what about her (down to specifics) has captured your heart, and try to find those qualities in other women. Also don't try to make LOGICAL sense of your feelings or her's, emotions are rarely black and white because you'll go insane. Human history wouldn't have nearly the same amount of drama that it does, if emotion and the actions taken thereof made obvious sense. --- To the larger discussion here, what causes the banishment to the friendship zone, is pop culture's over emphasis on the initial passionate side of a relationship skewing what some people perceive as love?
Thanks. You all definately gave me a few things to think about... . . . Ugh. Not really what I wanted to hear though. (sigh)
