"I'd like to thank you for coming today to celebrate the life and passing of a local man. Both of you. Unfortunately,he didn't quite live up to the expectations of those of us who knew him. I think we were all somewhat disappointed when he blew up the police station. It would have been well within reason to have warned the officers in the station and within the immediate vicinity that day,especially since two of them were his uncles. A little side note here--the funerals for the departed officers will be held a week from thursday. (Pot luck and dance afterwards at the civic auditorium.) And of course it was a little disconcerting to those of us that banked with_______ when he broke into the vault on a weekend and emptied it. We did get our money back,but it took a few months to do so and some of us were not real pleased to find out this -uh-gentleman was spending our money in Rio De Janeiro at the Mardi Gras. It was said by his aunt Pearl that he had a good time. I had to give him a talking-to myself one time when he wouldn't stop shooting my cows with that nice Beretta shotgun his father gave him for his 18th birthday. He said it was all in good fun and he didn't mean anything by it. He liked to see them jump,he said. Sorry for the late milk deliveries. One of the situations he leaves is going to be difficult for some of us here in the community. It's always a trying time for young girls when they get pregnant in high school and well--uh--17 at one time is just a little much for a school with 18 girls. Good thing Ellen Smith was in the hospital and missed that party,I guess. So,to sum up, I'd say that his life has had and will have a lasting impression all of us,especially when we start raising our grand children. And let us pray that we all get our cars back with clean gas tanks and running engines. The mechanic said the sugar that the deceased gentleman in question put in our gas tanks won't do too much damage. I can safely say that the gentlemans time has finally come and we would be burying him in the town cemetary except for the confusion caused when the gentleman in question raced around there with the 4 by 4 taken from Bob's driveway and broke and scattered all the tombstones every which way and tore the grass up so much that it will have to be re-planted. If he hadn't burnt up the Feed & Seed store last summer,we could've bought locally,but seed has been ordered,so we'll announce a day for volunteers. So,at this point,his earthly remains will be held in cold storage at Doc's Fine Meats. Any condolences or complaints concerning the deceased should be addressed to Doc and his fine staff at the locker. He'll be--uh-- missed around here and I have to say that this little town will be somewhat quieter for a while. Of course he does have a little brother coming up so let's enjoy ourselves while we can. Amen.
I want a silent funeral I always hate at funerals when people who weren't all that kind to or weren't that close to the deceased get up and say shit I want no hypocrisy
I want to be cremated and my ashes scattered. Half in the ocean and the other half in the forest. Far away from any civilization or corps. So I can spend eternity with nature..
They'll probably be wondering why the acme trap actually worked that time. The people at my funeral: 1 pirate, a priest, 2 hookers, scientist, guy wearing a gorilla in a tuxedo suit. 1 hippie, Blacula, Harrison Ford, my mom and one conspracy theorist who refuses to accept my death.
What I want said at my funeral: "Oh my fucking GAWD dude... I have the winning lottery ticket!" Seriously though, I don't want a funeral, I wish to be cremated or whatever other option is cheapest. I have no religious beliefs that would require my body to be preserved (to me that's kinda creepy) and buried. My wish is that my family and friends join together for some sort of party, with food on a grill and backyard games, weather permitting. Keep it lighthearted maybe with dixieland jazz and reggae music. Make it not about me, but about the people that are there and alive. Life is for the living, and love is for the laughing.
^yes I don't want a funeral to mourn my death, I want a party to celebrate my life. And I want all my friends to realize the party kind sucks because I'm not there and I make parties fun. And I want them to remember how I absolutely would hate to miss out on my funeral party because I always hated missing out on any good time. Thats pretty much all I ask for.
Yeah........ They'll all be standing around at a party saying "Who was this guy anyways?" "Wait! Who's payin' for the party?" "Dammit!"
Instead of usual (insert name) was a great father/mother/uncle/brother etc blah blah blah and pass the cake" , what do want you really want them to say about you at your funeral ? ......................................................................... Attention, please, your attention, please. The funeral director wishes to apologize. The person in the casket is not Rollo. Rollo is alive and well, and living in Australia with the money he made from that jewelry robbery we all heard about in the news last month. Thank you using Smith Funeral Home. Like us on Facebook.