HELP! I can't decide between 2 men!!!

I have gotten myself into quite a mess. I've been with "#1" for 5 years, and we have a 2 year old son together who is my world. In the beginning, things were good, he wasn't exactly 'my type' and wasn't someone i pictured spending the rest of my life with, but it just sort of happened, and when i got pregnant we moved in together. He is an amazing father and an excellent provider for me and my son. However, he doesn't treat me the greatest. He's constantly putting me down, does not show affection, and does not appreciate anything I do. To sum it up, he is a real A-Hole. So after trying over and over again to get him to change how he acted towards me, and never suceeding.. I felt the need to talk to other men to get the attention i felt I deserved.. thats when i started speaking to "#2".

"#2" is someone I went to high school with, but hadn't talked to in a while. He found me on a social networking site and we started talking. He was in a similar situation as I was in, but left the mother of his child and gets his daughter on the weekends. He is very caring and says things that just completely knock me off my feet. I have been sneaking around with him behind #1's back.... when we are together we mostly cuddle, watch movies, and make out... some of the touchy feely things but i havn't slept with him yet. I feel very guilty that I'm cheeting on #1 but #2 has been so kind to me..... its making it very difficult. #2 has offered to help me get out of my current living situation.. stating that "I will treat you like a queen and give you everything you've ever wanted"... he has also expressed that he's "in love" with me.. which makes it even harder. He isn't very financially stable, though.

So now I don't know what I should do... I made a list of pro's and cons on each of them.
#1:
pros= has a good job
is a good father
financially stable
good providor

cons= can be abusive towards me (mostly verbal, but sometimes it gets physical)


#2:
pros= sweet and caring
good to his daughter
wants to be a part of my childs life
says he would go to the end of the world and back for me

cons= doesnt have a good job
not very financially stable
i have only been seeing him for a couple of months.




sorry this is so long.. I just really need some advice and I wanted everyone to get the full picture.. i hope someone on here can help me =(

 

well, it depends on what you want. if it's mostly about money, stay with 1. if it's about your own happiness you should probably leave 1 and get child support from him. you can then start actually seeing 2 without sneaking around like a douche, but just jumping from one relationship to another isn't necessarily a great idea either. is being an independent person out of the question?

 

Would you rather be happy and split responsibilities with #1 while trying to juggle the struggles of financial instability or would you want to stay in the same place raise your kid without having to have separated parents and just make the best out of the situation. I would bite the bullet for my kid in the long run

 

assuming it's better for the kid to grow up with both parents together in an unhappy home.

 

Yeah Ive been the kid with a mom who stays with an asshole, it sucks. Just because he was nice to me doesn't mean thry should have stayed together.

 

If those are your only options, go with number 2. You never put up with abuse. I think it's less fair on your child to stay than go. Don't stay together for the bub, or for the money.

 

Are there ways I can get help.. like a program or someway that #1 couldnt be alone with me if i were to decide to leave. I'm afraid he will be pretty ticked off over my decision and things could get ugly.

 

Exactly how abusive is #1? Do you think his temper will put you and your child in danger once you tell him you want a divorce?


I'd actually go with a 3rd option and just take a divorce at the moment, THEN deal with the issue if you want to be tied to #2. I'd suggest NO marriage with #2 since that ties your finances together. But you NEED to get out of an abusive relationship, and don't let the honeymoon phase fool you either.

Studies have shown that children raised in a home where the parents aren't getting along and abuse is taking place, is MORE harmful to their development than if the parents just separated. Even if a kid doesn't witness firsthand any physical or verbal abuse, there's the non-verbal communication they pick up on and it doesn't help them learn how to communicate in their own relationships effectively either.

 

Coin toss

 

If, he is abusive take your kid and head to a shelter.

clear your head then worry about # 2

 

I like guy #1 pick him

 

I Have The Ideal Solution To

Your Prob....

Since I Find Myself "Manless".... Why Don't You Choose One, And Send

The Other One To Me....

WIN WIN For Both Of Us...:2thumbsup:.



Cheers Glen.

 

I hate thinking that #1 would actually do something harmful.. but he does have a temper... i just don't know for sure.

I've decided not to rush into anything with #2.. and have explained it to him thoroughly.. he understands and says he still wants to be there for me.

 

It sounds like there's definitely no love between you and #1, and you're just hanging on for money, fear of the unknown and false hopes that it'll be good for your daughter to stay.

Being entirely practical, if you've decided you've had enough of living this lie, and if he is genuinely abusive, then you should leave and divorce him. If you don't go and keep on messing around, he may divorce you for adultery. This will make any potential custody/access battles messier for you and be an absolute pain in the butt. It will also fuck with your kid's head (I've been there).

Be sensible. Leave the man you think is an "a-hole" and take a step back from #2 for a while. This of course means standing on your own two feet financially, which I know is tremendously difficult with a child. Get all the help you can, and try not to get this help by rushing into another relationship.

 

seriously op? you have a 2 yo child, it's time to stop being a child yourself. you honestly need to ask other ppl if you should stay with or leave an abusive partner? You want your child seeing that, and worse seeing his mother as a weak woman who will take that from someone? Also it's easy to be nice to a baby, but how do you think this man is going to be towards your kid when he starts to have his own ideas and wants that the father doesn't like? You want your son to be talked down to and abused b/c he can't always give his father what he wants?

 

I don`t buy that, I`m sorry.

You could just get a divorce and alimony, and that`s why you marry and have a kid with the guy who`s not your type. 'Your type', probably got too much attention from too many other girls with whom you couldn`t compete.

But, the problem is, that you only want #2 for the attention. You have a child, you`re damaged goods in the dating scene, probably pushing 30s, and you realize there will be fewer and fewer doormats willing to suck up to you in the future while you use the pussy to lead them on.

No alpha male will wanna fuck you on a regular basis from now on, and what you really want is alpha #1 to slip you the sausage, not beta #2.

And, beta #2 might get his hands on some money and find a younger, hotter chick with a flat stomach anytime, now. He`s with you because he makes no money. And, after him, who else?

#1 as well, with all his money, can get hordes of daddy-seeking teens in his bed at will.

I hope you enjoyed your beauty and youth, being a woman does have diminished returns when you get older to compensate for all the free shit men threw at you when you had your looks about you.

Now you realize, all the freeloading and attention won`t last forever.

If you were truly smart, you`d divorce, dump #2, finish raising your kid, and be a cougar-about-town who`s a tornado in the beds of college aged boys who can never be sexually satisfied by the little prudish princesses their age (whom, I guess, look like you when you were younger?) still dreaming about Prince Charming.

And even the slutty college chicks have a disadvantage compared to you. Slutty chicks are way too inconsistent, and incapable of taking initiative. They`ll fuck whomever comes to them, and that`s a turn off to a lot of guys.

Cougars have less ADD, they can make decisions on their own, and can protect a guy`s privacy. Start hitting the gym.

 

personally, i think the worst idea you can have is to start crying loudly at 3 a.m. every night...

 

If you need help figuring this out, go put your kid up for adoption and go join a circus. I'm serious about this.

#1 beats you. And you wonder IF you should stay with him?!?!?!

I don't give a damn about money or work or future or any of that garbage you listed. The man beats you and you still havn't decided to leave him. Your son needs a beter man to raise him.

Oh. Wait. I forgot! #1 doesn't beat you, he just verbally abuses you. No difference really, but if you want to think it is, who am I to tell you different?

Listen, you have a responsibility to raise your son. Only two people matter now. You and your son. If you can say that three times and still not figure out what to do, put your son up for adoption.

 

Dump # 1 for sure, after that you are on your own.