Lana, why did you have to go You know I loved you all the while We always had our hopes and dreams And quick get rich schemes I loved you all the time Sorrow is a thing to know And sadness is a thing to grow I saw it in your eyes My best friend he died last night Just gave up the fight He didn't have a care And all his hopes and dreams Where just like quick get rich schemes But I cried Like Buddy Holly When the music died...
Hmmm these sound a lot like song lyrics to me. And as lyrics to a song, there pretty good. But as poetry, there are a few areas which you could improve upon. I think you also might want to consider just trying free verse. The rhyme scheme, is a bit, well, if-fy and when the poem does rhyme, it sounds a bit forced. That said, it's a very emotional poem, and I think you can kind of feel that raw emotional energy. This piece has real potential, keep working at it!
