long term relationship

hey my bf and i are both 21 and we have been together for over 3 years.. we have done absolutely everything but actual intercourse. he has been very very patient and never pressured to have sex and said whenever i am ready. in the past i have said i thought about waiting until marriage to have sex but then my opinion changed once i saw how much he loved me and how long hes been waiting till im ready. i no longer feel that we need to wait until we are married or until my wedding night for sex. i do hope to marry him and its something we have talked about and he wants to but we obviously both dont know the future. we are planning to have sex tomrw and been trying to make it happen for a few months and now we finally are tomorrow hes even going to get candles for our first time lol Ive even asked him in the past if we dont get married would he regret losing it to someone he doesnt marry, that kind of thing and he said no, he wants to lose it to me no matter what.. we both agreed that no matter if we do or dont get married (which we hope we do) that we love eachother and will not regret it. 1) i just want to hear this from him one more time, just how much he loves me and wants to lose it to me no matter what happens in life..is it appropriate to ask again?

i was just wondering what peoples opinions are on this situation.. do you think hes been very patient? i do feel ready to and i know hes been wanting to for a long time. i just cant help to think the "what if" we dont. any reassurance on this. even ifff (hope we do) we dont get married im sure my future husband wouldnt hate me lol im just worried if i dont then marry a virgin id feel bad i lost it to my current bf kind of thing. how many people do you think actually lose it before marriage? anyone have any reassurance or a time an partner wasnt a virgin on there wedding night or vise versa. also the big what iff that no one knows is the only thing really bothering me this moment about tomorw but i think the amount of people who actually wait till marriage now has gone down and even if we didnt get married ive been with him over 3 years! lol

 

oh my god just do it. you have basically the only 21-year-old man in the world who would stay with someone for 3 years without sex. he must love the hell out of you. if you want to hear it again, i'm quite sure he'd have no problem saying it.

pretty much nobody waits until marriage anymore. whoever you end up marrying, he'll be a lot more surprised if he finds out that you are a virgin than that you aren't one.

say you do break up with him. are you going to wait until you are AT LEAST 24 to even consider having sex with someone else? even if you don't stay together, he is obviously a significant part of your life and i'll be very surprised if you regret having sex with him.

 

To Lina, just ask him if it's important to you. I'm sure he'll understand. All the best to both of you.

And to underwear, that's SO NOT true, lol. Exhibit-A *points to self* And I'm in my mid 30's and still a virgin. Some people just ARE very patient.

BUT, other than being age specific, I more or less DO agree with you. What's important is to lose virginity to that special someone, where or not marriage gets into the picture.

I just believe it's a personal choice. It shouldn't be dictated by your age, or by the social expectations/standards. One can lose one's virginity at 13, and be either happy or unhappy about it. One can lose one's virginity at 50 and be either happy or unhappy about it. It's not so much about age, but about whether you'll be happy with the choices you make.

 

i just sent to him.. after he said he wants to lose it to me and cant wait for tomrw.. i said: can i be honest, is it bad i still have a bit of me that wants to wait till my wedding night..but i do want to lose it to u..

i do want to im just scared i dont want to regret it down on the road- on my wedding night

 

Do it only if it feels right. If it does, then you won't regret it.

 

at first last night i was thinking a little well what if i wait another year or so and she if he sticks around and really loves me ..but then i thought thats kind of dumb since hes already proved he really loves me by waiting 3 yrs which yes i know most guy wouldnt..also im thinking if i did make him wait another year hes going to think im playing with his feelings cause we keep sayn we will do it then it doesnt happen..sometimes cause family coming home but usually cause i freeze jussst before we actually do..so im thinking that if i make him wait even longer he might break up thinking im playing with him almost and then i might never get him back. So anyways i think i am ready to and will i dont want to lose a good guy cause he thinks i keep testing him..any opinions? Or advice?

 

If he loves you, he will understand and he will wait. If he gets mad and ends it.. He is a tool. And he isn't worth your time my dear.

 

Don't take it too much to heart if he's getting anxious now. It seems like he means well. He's probably just got a case of the old blue balls. After all, you seem to be kind of flip flopping on what you want. It's amazing that he's waited so long, but it shows he really cares for you. There shouldn't be any regrets. If you want to sleep with him, it'll happen, if not then just wait. If he's not threatening to leave over it, then don't sweat it.

 

thanks guys- he is defiantly not threatening to leave me over it. omg last night we were alone again and i did it again, i feel horrible. this was the second time where we went through over an hour of every foreplay possible and he had it on and we had a long talk before, and then i agreed to it throughout the next hour and all then he was justtt about it (sorry dont mean to be graphic) and then i just frooze once again by freeze i mean said maybe im not ready. then i started crying once again. this is only the second time this happened but i dont want it to happen again where we go through all the foreplay, i say yes to sex, then i dont go through with it.

for this happening the second time he was so patient. .he just got off me and hugged me and said he will wait as long as it take until im comfortable. last night i feel like i wasnt fully ready and that i was pushing myself.. where i kept trying to tell myself go for it then got so scared.
my fears : getting pregnant, that it will hurt way too much, that he or i could have some std we dont know even though were both virgins, and the fact that i never got my hpv vaccine and im on b/c which raise my chances of cancers. but the biggest thing for me is me not being sure if i want to wait until my wedding night. this has been talked about a lot with my bf and we both agreed that we got few more years of school and wont be get married for at least a few years..so we agreed that since we started dating the age we did before we were 18 and wont get married until at least somewhere 24+ waiting 6 or so years is too much so we agreed to do it..then that happened last night where i stopped it.

i dont know what it is with me. i have the most patient boyfriend ever. hes waited over 3 years.. he just hugged and kissed me and told me not to worry and when i want to to let him know kind of thing. what is wrong with me this is happen to anyone else where they just freeze and stop it all. i am completely comfortable with mine and my bf's body its just the actual sex is i guess freaking me out. any advice..i duno how to not do this again to him! i dont mean to play with his feelings and he knows that .. i want to try and do it next week but dont want a re peat of last night. i need to relax ugh. i think the biggest thing is im scared we wont get married and then i'll be stuck a non-virgin my wedding night , while my future husband might have waited. i ever told my bf this :/ but like i said we said we could see a future us together.

 

Awww... You know he is a keeper. And if he is willing to show the affection he did last night, though he probably wanted it so bad. I think that you won't have to worry about it. But on a side note, I think that if you are worrying that you won't marry him... Then you are not sure of the relationship. And that should tell you something as well.

 

i know he is veryy paient with me..and no its not that i am not sure if im goig to marry him... Its something we both talked about and we both hope to get married and can see a future together..there isnt a part of me that doesnt want to marry him, i'd love to.. Im just being realistic with the what if i dont .. But not to say we both dont think about it and want to. Im worryong far to much i think. I need to really take things one day at a time..but any tips so i dont freeze next week? I was gthe one who said for sure next week.. Any advice so what happened last night doesnt happen again?

 

Look, what happens if worst comes to worst and you do break up....so what? Are you going to die? No. So really, even if you do break up one day, YOU'RE GOING TO BE FINE!!! As long as your not dead, you WILL heal, you WILL be able to move on one day. I don't understand what's so terrible about POSSIBLY breaking up that makes you so paralyzed in fear of progressing in your relationship that you're actually making yourself MORE LIKELY to be breaking up with this person. See the irony?

The only way you're going to regret having intercourse with this guy is if you CHOOSE to! I've had a lot of experiences in my life that I could have chosen to regret. Instead, I look at them as learning experiences, learn what I can, and move on. It's not going to ruin you if something's not what you perceive to be as perfect. Remember, at the end of the day, it's a penis inside a vagina, that's really it, physically, everything else is your own meaning you're wrapping it up in, which isn't always a bad thing, but in your case it's only making you psyche yourself out. It's not helping you. It's hindering your relationship.

You say you've done everything but have intercourse, so I have to wonder...when you had oral sex, did that drastically change anything? Did you worry so much about regretting it? How is that so different then intercourse?

 

lol no.

 

yeah i know what you mean me worrying so much and bringing up marriage and all that too often can make things worse..i just need to let all that take its course. and you right..regrets are based on how one views it and all.. i really cant see regretting it with him and i know this at the end of the day so im upset with my self for stopping it again. guess i was just scared about pregnancy and the future. and no when i did oral for him or he did it on me that didnt change our relationship except for making us closer and he saw i trusted him. i didnt worry so much about regretting oral cause to me its not actual sex (not intercourse) i was nervous the first time but not the same as for actual sex. i didnt worry also cause to me its not losing my virginity.

 

From what I've read it seems petrified of getting pregnant too young and before you get the security of that ring on your finger seems to be the main motivation for your reasoning.

The trouble with asking the other girls for advice is they are never going to tell you the truth about how you actually change once you start having sex, get a little further away froj your teens and especially EVERYTHING that changes once you are pregnant.

The guy has waited patiently for 3 years? Only ever means one of two things.

He's right for you now, but in 10 years time, when that fear has evaporated and you are bugging him for the 3rd or 4th kid, that 'patience' is going to look like something completely different. Likely, as it is in just about everycase, you are going to need or want a completely different type of Man

But you kind of already know this dont you, which is why you are umming and erring, even though you'll probably never admit it outloud, just like none of the others do. Which is how it all gets hidden.

The qualities you might want in a husband the exact opposite of what you'll want with the sons. Doesnt matter how much you sit around with the other girls saying what you want to hear, theres no escaping that rule

 

i dont really get what your saying.. that down the road we arent going to work or going to get divorced and our relationship wont last. that is a little broad to say no? i know peoples relationships who have lasted from 15- 45 and happy still and only been with that one person. what do u mean the patience will look different? i dont understand why your saying I'd want a different man.. :S

Strawberry_Fields_Fo- i agree with what she said that the possibility is always there but im trying to NOT worry here vanilla.. im trying to take things one day at a time and hope we do last and stay happy.. obviously whatever happens happens but i hope i dont get that mid age wanting to explore. thats not my personality anyways i care about my boyfriend too much

 

hey lina, I think maybe you should try getting a little high, that would make you feel more chilled out and sexual.

 

Well, you sound really sweet, thus everyones going to tip toe around you.

It should be obvious, he's in love with a girl and there's been no sex, not saying you have to or should. But he's been reasonably ok with that, doesnt even pressure you. Is he actually patient, or is he not really fussed about it anyway. They get paranoid about getting a girl pregnant too young as well.

So if he's that calm about it around 18 to 21, in 10 years he's just going to prefer to sit on the couch and watch the game, whilst you're in your third trimester, climbing the walls, pyscho angry at him for doing the same thing you did to him10 years previously.

As I said, a whole lot of stuff older girls should warn you about, but they wont

And your sons, have you thought about that, do you want to end up with a couple snowflakes like this guy, waiting patiently like a little puppy dog. Or do you want to end up with a couple sons everyone pays attention to?

And you mentioned you know couples that have been togethern15 to 45, who are you talking about, your parents? Happiness is relative. Being too scared you may not do better, isnt the same as happy

 

Syd222- I dont plan on getting high- I am too health conscious and I dont need that to make me more relaxed.

Vanilla Gorilla- To be honest when i first read your posts i was a little offended/hurt by them. he even made a comment to me says hes very patient when i want to he will wait for me, and he also basically said "if you had sex before with your ex (which he knows i didnt) then made me wait over 3 years thennn i would be upset but if your just not ready to lose it yet then i understand" which is understandable. so i know its not that he doesnt want it though he just doesnt want me to feel pressured.

as for the older women not warning me, i think they dont cause its a huge generalization - theres no way that anyone not even my closest friends can know if i am going to marry him , if we are going to have a "mid life crisis" almost the way you make it sound, or if we are going to have problems with him being submissive towards me with sex. i honestly know hes just being patient- once we start having sex and if we were to get married which i hope we do..then sure sex might lose its spark or he might sit around on the couch and get back at me almost and all but i know hes not like that. so im going to stop replying on these posts and making any more posts at all cause that can happen with anyyyy relationship, im trying to take thing one day at a time. but like i said i cant see him almost turning on me like you made it sound in 10 years and that can happen with any relationship were sex fades ect. every relationship needs work.

and no im not talking about my parents - cause they have had breaks in there teens.. im just talking about friends parents i know. i am not scared of doing better- i love my bf and we have all the same morals and values, we want similar things in life, hes respectful and the thing with this post is mainly i wanted help to not freeze jussst before sex, to help keep me calmer. i didnt cry cause i dont love him or that i dont think i want to marry him- i do.. i just cried cause i was scared of the actual sex and pain. a girl at work started making racist comments about him and saying i could do better and i didnt give a shit cause i know i have a good guy who cares about me and i know there not easy to find and she never been married and jumped from guy to guy so she was being hypocritical.

 

Omg just give him a head and ride him . he will get gay or find a bitch whore for sure .
it is just sex .(are you sure he is not cheating you? is he virgin to like you?)
ps,
I like how you two got focused into emotional and psychological side . most couples today focused on sex and physical , and not emotional . well done .