I was born a human, a man in shape and form, yet for whatever reason, my being draws scorn. Am I rude, abrasive, ignorant or smug, I guess I'm just depressed for my graves already been dug. it houses my aspirations, my ideals, all I found sublime, they said the sky was the limit, I learned the limit was the sky. I am a product of decisions, that were never mine, I was born African, made a ****** by design. Can you empathize with a pain for which there exists no remedy, it's a hunger that can t be stimulated, the will of the degraded, pariahs of human society, the deplorable status conferred unto me. Yet I am told not to worry, that s all in the past, pointed to the stories of exemplary blacks, names like Winfrey, Johnson and Jordan are employed, to silence scrutiny of deceitful ploy. There are black luminaries, symbols of success, but our people remain starving, their illusions of progress. This is North America, a land of the free, a home of the slave, where the constitutions are valid if your skins lighter than beige. Inhabiting a culture where color is vilified, an inescapable prison where the mind is not thine. So listen astutely, bear witness to rage, 4 centuries of pain bleed onto this page, now in the present era, this generation takes stage, reaching for the key to free us from cage. For a giant cannot persist in eternal slumber, we must establish a front, with our African brothers. It is union with they that will bring our salvation, an end to the misery, the ceaseless degradation. We must employ any means to halt our debasement, two wrongs won't make right but it will make a statement. A war without casualties is not war, many have perished for freedom, there will definitely be more. They will beat, murder and rape us, discredit us before our neighbors, mercilessly harass our families, but those cowards won't break us. They exiled Garvey, took Mandela's freedom, gunned down Martin and Malcolm, made sure no one could see them. A drug deal took Newton, after Hoover went PRO, Nkrumah and Lumumba toppled, need I say more. To ask the question is revolutionary as Gramsci once said, barring alteration, this issue shall never be dead. I am wary of the future, but I am certain of this, we have so much more to offer than hip-hop and fresh kicks. Fear not their prisons and repressive systems, they hold no meaning, when your condemned to existence. Only prompt examination, will see change in organization, for if history does repeat, our destination is the plantation. Life is a bitch named monogamy, you only get one, so where shall we stand when all is said and done. When we gaze at our successors, untempered by hate, what will we tell them in their innocent state. That we loaded our guns, fought back for our portion, or we wallowed like cowards, minds hopeless, distorted. When one is backed against wall, one can only push back, or will offspring suffer from indifferent acts. Contemplation is over, wastes potential and time, now is our moment to bathe in sunshine, your soul yearns for freedom, for autonomy it pines, ignore it at your peril, remain a ****** by design.
Not a bad idea, but a lot of crap that doesn't fit, is redundant with no poetic justification, or doesn't help your overall angle.
fantastic work yeb.welldone! Martin Luther King , an many more great people like him r.i.p., will be smiling proudly down at you. :2thumbsup:
Redundancy with no poetic reason makes him sound like a retard. I realize he's not publishing it in a book or anything yet. But there's a lot of crap that makes that read or flow off the tongue much less cleanly than it should. It's a brilliant premise and mostly well executed, but needs some polishing.
Oh, I guess it's just my instinct as whitey, gotta keep him down. In the sense that spitting on the floor passes as art in some circles, you're right, whatever he churns out is awesome. But as far as having a meaning, being readable, direct and provocative (I would infer that being direct and shocking about his point is the idea, given the title, which appears in the piece more than once) there are some simple edits that this poem screams for. I think I've been pretty flattering, and I think this deserves it, but I think there's room for improvement.
Roo's right. It does need polishing. Why freak out about it? I usually don't crit at Hip because I'm pretty sure people here don't want it - and this is a prime example. OP can take or leave it. But of course...it's not OP that's getting thier panties in a knot. OP doesn't care about crit. He's just posting his poem around the internet. As for judging: Every person who reads a poem is gonna judge it. I know I'm judged by Joe Schmoe off the street every month. So what. Welcome to Art.
every poem has a reason.it is the unique intuition of the heart and soul of each individual writer.it is creativity.it is the literary freedom of speech and expression of thoughts feeling and emotions.it is the voice of the soul.which yeb has captured totally in his every word.well lets hope he will publish it in a book someday and many, many more of his wonderful poetic works in the future.i'd certainly buy his books of poetry.he speaks the truth from the knowledge of his own lifes expereinces.he speaks the truth from every fibre of his being,mind ,heart an soul.the poem he has posted here speaks clearly of his feelings on racism.bad enough for any human being to be or feel the victim of that ignorant sick disease called racism.an you call him a retard for expressing it.the word retard is probably one of the most derogatory things you can ever call any human being.it is a word used by ignorant people with one motive only.to try and demean.shame on you! its because of people like you,with attitudes like that,that people like us will be continuing to keep writing the truth of everything half the world still dose'nt want ta hear...
this forum isn't for professional poets with perfect work, its for amateurs open to critique. I judge poetry mainly for sound. the subject matter and passion is there. the flow and sound could be improved.
"A rose is a rose is a rose!" - Gertrude Stein "You are still a ******, you are still a ******, you are still a ******..." - Stokely Charmichael Great Poem, Yeb. More Power to You!
this forum is for writers.an this thread is yebs.so your a judge an critic huh? is that in the proffesional or amature league. ha! ha! proffesional poets.amature poets.what a load a shite! talk.there is only one kind of poet.all poets.an though i see nothing whatsoever wrong with any kinda construtive criticism.that it not whats goin' down in here.i dont know if ye judges an critics are aware of this but people write poetry cos they love to write.they dont write for judges or critics.they write through their love of there passion of it.nothin' wrong with the flow an sound a yebs poem.its flowing like a river.naturally and real.
its art. Its subjective. You made a judgement call when you decided it was a great poem. I won't post in this forum anymore because I didn't realize poems here are not up for critique. And yes I did offer constructive criticism. I said the flow of words could be improved upon.
.i made a factual statement.it is a great poem.especially how wonderfully naturally flowing it is.subjectivity is opinion with bias.my statement was objective.an opinion based on fact! yes.its art. a great work of art!
I guess I just don't get why people wouldn't want to crit each other. In our circles, we workshop together weekly. We are always looking at each others work. Taking and leaving advice. Poetry is communication. If your poetry isn't communicating effectively, then yes, one needs to polish it. Amateur or pro - if you're putting your art out there, people will have opinions on it. What's funny is having had a conversation last week with a Professional Poet who was talking about how different the scenes are around the US and Canada. We tend to be very kind to our poets, applauding courage over content at times, but Oakland, for example is kind to no one until the poem proves them (apparently) and the effects that has on the community.
