A summary of my spiritual and self identity problems..

I have so much going through my head these days, I honestly don't know what to really say, but I had a few questions I could maybe get answered here.

I feel like I'm an introverted extrovert, I avoid conversation and such as much as I can, but when I get into a conversation about something silly, like about a sports game, or food I make visible cues displaying to them, alright this is pointless, please stop and leave me be. Should I be doing this to strangers or friends, does it make me a jerk?

And I've also realized I'm not happy doing what I do, I want to change, I want to work out and learn things that could help me socially like to play a guitar, and surf, and I also want to walk around bare feet. The bare feet thi g, I know there's a subforum for it, but I want to know how to explain it to people as an introvert, I want to say more than just I do it because I want to, and this is who I am. Any ways I could explain it?

And to be honest, I want to lie down in mud or a fresh patch of grass no matter how busy the area is, without being labeled weird or crazy, on my college campus, how the hell do I do that?

On another note, I also feel like my soul is loosely attached to my body, like I don't feel good because I can't embrace myself, I think I'm lost.. In my own body. I don't know? Should I begin meditating again?

Also, I've been thinking about work, and I need to call and get hired for this summer at a life guarding company, the thi g is I'm 20, but I always call late each summer so I've been labeled as a regular lifeguard for about 5 years.. But I don't feel confident to manage a pool, I have many doubts in my capabilities, I'm not good under pressure but then I realized, last summer, I'm looked up to. One guard, as I gave him a ride home he said to me, Nate, how do you do it, how do you have the ability to just not care what people say or think of you, and I told him it was easy, you think about their life and what it truly adds up to, and if it adds up to a bunch of superficial nonsense and they look down on you, you feel pity for them, I told him I don't do this job for the money, I do it to talk to the guards and meet them, find who they are.. So my question, should I take the managing experience for 1$ extra? I could ask to be a roaming manager on duty, advice?

 

Haha, I'd love to lie in a mud or walk naked if people wouldn't call me crazy
How beautifull it would be if all those restrictions dissapeared and people wouldn't get mad about stupid things.