Question about trying to get a date...

I have a question for the ladies:

So I'm a fairly shy guy at first before you get to know me. But I'm fairly accomplished (in my last year of medical school) and not bad looking (I hope!). My friends tell me that when I open up, I'm very charismatic and fun, but I've always had trouble randomly asking girls out on dates because of my shyness/fear of rejection.

So today I was at a coffee shop. It was fairly crowded and I was sitting about 25 feet away from a very attractive girl who quickly exchanged glances with me every once in a while. A really nice older guy was also sitting at my table who I started talking to. He was very friendly and noticed our glances. I didn't know how to approach this girl without seeming sleazy (ie hitting on her while she was sitting in the coffee shop studying). So I jotted down a quick note that went something like "Hey there, you seem like a really sweet person. Would love to grab some coffee sometime. Give me a call if you'd like" with my number on it. As I left the cafe, I gave it to the gentleman to give it to her from me.

I know it's weak, but I have trouble going directly up to a girl. Is this a really passive way of asking to talk to someone? Is it really creepy? Is it romantic? I have no idea. I wish that I could have just talked to her, but I was too shy, especially with everybody around and packed closely together in this small coffee shop. Just wanted your thoughts, and how would you handle this situation in a different way if you don't like what I did? Thanks for the advice!

 

Well, technically it is a really passive way of talking to someone, since you're having a third party pass on a note for you instead of talking to them directly. I would've at the very least given her the note myself. I can understand being afraid of rejection, though, and it's very hard to hit on someone in public like that without appearing too obvious (and possibly creepy). Have you tried online dating? I'm socially awkward too, and so is my husband, and we met online, and honestly probably never would've met in real life even if we were in the same place because he would've been too afraid to talk to me and I never would've thought we had anything in common.

 

well, the older gentleman probably has a date now.

 

Lol this is what I was thinking.

Notes can work, but I wouldn't have given it to the other fellow. If a third party must be used, I think a waitress, or someone that works at the establishment would have been a better option.

 

My theory is that the more passive approach you try to take the greater the chance of your coming across as creepy. I wouldn't have done the note thing altogether if I were you. I would have simply gone up to her to talk, without even thinking about asking her out on a date.

Do you frequent that coffee shop? If so, you could have simply gone up to her and asked her if she came to the coffee shop often. If the answer was a yes, then you could have then let her know that you were a regular there, too. Then you could've introduced yourself to her, and here's the important bit, when it was time for either of you to leave, you could've simply said something along the line of, "I'll probably see you around, since we both come here a lot" with a friendly laugh. No asking her on a date, no nothing. That's it for the first day.

That would work at the coffee shops I frequent when I'm in my "hometown". But of course, I can't guarantee it'll work for you...

All the best!

 

you guys are probably right...ughhh..now I feel like i came across as a creep even though that was never the intention! lameeee...but i'll surely take your guys's advice in the future

 

Hey Alternative_Thinker, I really liked your advice. Now can I ask you another question?

Since I do go to the coffee shop on and off (can't say that I "frequent it"), what do I do if I end up seeing her again? I'm kind of embarrassed now, but I don't want to make the situation worse. Is there a way to rectify the situation in a classy way? Needless to say, it's been 24 hours and I haven't heard from her, and I don't plan on hearing from her which is fine, but is there a way to greet her if I do see her again without coming across as overbearing? Do I apologize for the note? Or do I just not say anything the next time if I see her? Any advice you have on that situation would be helpful! Thanks again!

 

you could have someone else give her a note apologizing for the first note...

 

she's probably a lost cause. but the fact that you are putting yourself out there at all is a very good thing, that's progress. it can be as slow or as fast as you want but I think if you keep trying you'll be chatting wth strangers in no time.

also you could get a few t-shirts that say "I'm a doctor" ladies will flock to you. lol

 

Hahaha! Funny

Really though, if you do see her just smile and ask her what she's studying (if you don't mind my asking)

Don't bring up the note at all. You wanna make it very trivial like you don't even remember it you were too hopped up on caffeine lol. What if the dude never gave her the note Amy way lol

 

I'm glad you liked my advice. *tips hat*

Now, I agree with Indn Hippie, don't bring up the note thing. You have to be really casual and friendly, and preferably without a sense of shame(I know this one's difficult, lol). I would just be like "hey what up!" if I were you, lol. But that's just me.

If she ever mentions the note thing, you can try to make a joke out of it. For me, I have a very dorky sense of humour, so I might say all kinds of stupid things and the best part is, girls usually don't mind, lol. xD I guess it has something to do with the way I come across to people in general, though. But anyway, like Indn Hippie and I have said, avoid bringing up the note thing.

 

kmk

 

next time go to the local strip club where she works .
**OUCH

 

Thanks for the great advice guys. I think I'll just down-play the whole situation like Indnhippie said and just be by normal self. I'll update you on how it goes. I actually found out I have a connection to this girl through facebook, but I'm just gonna hope that I randomly run into her again at the shop. I don't want to be overbearing.

 

Look, the only thing that matters is if something works-did she ever call you?

Besides, there's not one exact way to do something. For all you know, she might be flattered by the whole thing, she calls you, you fall in love and have a house full of kids. Who knows?

I used to think I was shy, and then I realized I wasn't at all. In some situations it's hard to know really what to say, because it's a little hard to start up a conversation. Don't let people tell you that this or that's not good, or won't work-you never know. I used to take this guy's advice about girls, a long time ago-he thought he was a real ladies man. The fact was that his advice was all wrong-if I had just gone with my feelings, everything would have been ok.

I was sitting in a coffee shop a number of years back-I was reading an article in a newspaper and I started cracking up laughing-just couldn't help it. A girl that was sitting at a table near me started asking me, 'what's so funny?-tell me!' and we started talking, finally exchanged phone numbers, and went out several times-it never got serious, but that's ok. Just keep on truckin'

 

Thanks man, that was super helpful advice haha

 

That's great advice Bob. And to answer your question, she never did call me, but the fact is - like Indn Hippie said - I actually have no clue if the guy ever gave her the note haha. So I guess we'll see. But I like your view on things, and I'll definitely keep it in mind.

 

The fact that it's daytime in a packed coffee shop would make it almost impossible for you to come off as a creep, in my opinion. Even if you were being obvious, I think she'd be flattered that you were interested enough to approach her.

Just relax and start off with something like "what'cha reading?" Ask her questions, it'll be easier for you to listen than to talk. Crack a few jokes. Look her in the eye and smile, that makes you seem sincere. You don't have to be the most interesting person in the world - just make it clear you're interested in getting to know her. I've said this before and I'll say it again - practice practice practice. The more you talk to girls you think are attractive, the easier it becomes.

Also I agree with Alternative Thinker - try to avoid talking about the note, but if she brings it up you have to turn it into a joke. It's very attractive when a guy is able to laugh at himself.

 

If she got the note she just thought the older guy gave it to her from him by mistake. That's what I would have thought.