WOAH! Train wreck family's impact on future relationships...

Alright... so I just don't know what to do or who to talk to right now. I don't know what my problems (and I have many) are!

Right now I feel completely lonely and empty on the inside. I've never had a boyfriend; not even a fuck buddy since my high school senior year (2007; so for the last five years). I've tried online dating (and even hookups) - OkCupid, Adam4Adam, Match.com, Grindr, etc. No luck! I am usually most often ignored or only contacted by old creepy men (and I'm not being ageist; I've seen many attractive older men and am really attracted to men in their thirties and forties - but these men are just creeps).

My only "relationship" was in high school with a guy in the closet, and who only wanted a hookup - nothing more. I became obsessed with him and wanted a relationship - but I wasn't good enough for him (my hair felt like pubic hair or hay, my hair wasn't styled the right way or didn't look good, I said the wrong things, I walked weird, I talked weird, I didn't dress good enough, I didn't shop at the right stores, I didn't know the right people, my parents were too strict so there was no point in having anything to do with me... so I was lucky that he paid any attention to me at all were things that he said to me). At the time, he was my only emotional support that I had because I didn't get along with stepfather or mother (another story), was new to town and school, etc (and before I moved here I was from the Bible belt; once I moved and told them I was gay none of my friends wanted to have anything to do with me). My last interaction with him was back in 2007... and I've never had a "relationship" since - no one shows interest in me.

I reached a point where I decided to not worry about relationships (now) and just focus on getting friendships - friendships with anyone! And even there, I have no friends at all. I get along SUPER well at work (people talk to me, laugh with me, confide in me, etc), but nobody ever hangs out with me outside of work (yes, I've asked - and been told, "Uhmmm... not this week; I have exams... maybe some other time?" and there will never be another time - I just stopped asking since the rejection is too much to handle for me). At both places that I've worked (I worked for three and a half years in retail at the same place; and now I've worked six months at where I'm now), it's always been the same. I'm very popular at work, and even when I go into my old workplace everyone gathers around me and greets me and tells me how much they miss me... but that's it. No one calls me, texts me, Facebook chats, etc. They will respond if I initiate it, but nothing more. I've tried all the usual things such as joining clubs, going out alone and talking to people, volunteering, etc. I get along greatly with everyone - but I can't seem to get a friend.

Which also leads to a problem that I have with my family. My immediate family ignores me. I never speak to stepfather unless he needs to tell me something (usually what to do) or I need to know something. My mother is the same way. In fact, I've walked in the house and walked right by and in front of her - and she'll call me because she needs me to do something and say, "Oh! I didn't know you came home!" Sometimes I'll be in the kitchen and living room; and they'll walk by without any greeting whatsoever (even after not seeing each other all day). When I spent a month living with my best friend, none of these people called me or texted me unless they wanted something (specifically my mother texted me because I didn't move the stuff out of my room and they were moving houses and my great grandmother was coming up to visit and so she wanted me there).

My extended family is the same way. Father will not keep in touch with me, grandparents will not keep in touch with me, cousins will not keep in touch with me, etc. unless I am the one who initiates everything - and when I do they always guilt trip me about why I haven't called, I need to come around more often (I used to every week; but they never come to me so I've stopped).

I've tried talking to my family about this... at first with hints (saying things like you know that the phone line goes both ways so you can call too, I would love it if you would call me as well, etc) and then even being direct (specifically telling people that I feel like the relationship is very one sided and that I initiate everything and would like it if they would keep in touch and initiate things as well)... and nothing ever changes at all. It all stays the same.

I'm get very lonely and depressed. I'm also becoming very bitter and jaded toward life. I've gone to a therapist for over a year - and I have seen some improvement but have plateued (she also only does client-centered and Gestalt therapy and I feel like I need more directive therapy like cognitive-behavioral - but she's the only therapist that will work in my budget). I was seeing a psychiarist monthly and was on Celexa and Wellbutrin - this has helped me the most! Unfortunately, I stopped taking them and seeing her (it was too expensive and couldn't afford it) and my grades have suffered tremendously in college (I failed a class, passed a class with a D but the minimum I can get for my major in that class is a C so will have to repeat two classes now, and have a C in another class). I don't have health insurance and am on a very limited income. I've tried getting another job but no matter what it seems like I can't even get an interview; I've had three interviews in the last year and they've all just ended with that and never gone further. The two jobs I've had in my life were because I knew the hiring manager directly.

I need help. Someone please help.

I posted this in the All in the Family forum because I believe that my issues stem from my family... and so here's a run down of my family dyanmics: I'd appreciate feedback - let me know what you think:

As for my family dynamics. My mother was raised by two severe alcoholics (who were verbally and emotionally abusive toward my mother; physically abusive with each other). My grandmother (who was also abused by her family; her family also has severe drug addiction, mental health, and crime problems - I don't have anything to do with this side of the family) had my mother when she was 13 years old and my grandfather was 17 years old. My mother got pregnant with me when she was 15, but had me when she was 16, so that she could get emancipated and move out of their house. She chose a stoner guy in high school that was shy and had no friends. She lived at my father's house for the first few months of my life; according to my paternal grandmother she didn't really have much to do with me and was always gone socializing and having fun. According to paternal grandmother, it was my father that did most of the taking care of (as well as her).

When I was one years old, she and my father said they were going to take me out of state to go see my maternal grandmother... My paternal grandmother says that when my father came back, he came back without my mother and without me... she asked what was going on and he said that I won't be coming back anymore... and that's all he ever said. According to my father, when they were in the other state my mother started dating another guy and put them in a fight and my father lost so my mother chose the other guy. My mother convinced my father that he should sign over all his rights to me so that the other guy could adopt me; my father complied and the other guy adopted me. Since this happened when I was only a year old, I never knew my biological father until I was in the 7th grade (wasn't my choice either - forced by mother). According to my mother, she didn't want me to live with my biological father since he had no future and his family were all alcoholics and drug addicts so she moved out of state to maternal great grandmother so she could take care of me.

My adoptive father and mother fought a lot; both verbally and physically. I remember the police coming to our house several times, my mother burning my adoptive father's clothes, and slightly even being molested by someone at this time (but this could be a false memory). I remember playing house one time with friends, and being the daddy and a girl being the mommy. When she wouldn't do something I wanted her to do; I slapped her and made her cry... I got in trouble for that, but I couldn't understand why I was in trouble - I thought I was doing what daddies are supposed to do (I later learned that I was imitating the behavior of my mother and adoptive father).

I never knew my father until the 7th grade. I was always told from a very young age that my father didn't care about me and wanted nothing to do with me (told this by my maternal great-grandmother that raised me); I apparantly had several meetings with my paternal grandmother growing up - always in a public place like Wal-Mart and always introduced as a family friend (my maternal grandmother said that my mother wouldn't allow her to see me if she told me that we were related).

My adoptive father would go on to die though and my mother would move back to the other state leaving me with my maternal great-grandmother and great-grandfather who would raise me until I was 15 years old. They were very strict; I could only spend a few hours away from the house at a time, never any sleepovers or spending the night, always had to be home before dark even if church activity or with adults, etc. There were also some not so great things: my great-grandmother would frequently play with my emotions (I remember if I did something that she didn't like that she would pretend to cry and say that I don't love her and that she's going to run away). I also remember not getting along with my brother; we always fought physically and always were getting in trouble for doing so (and even had to go to a therapist for this). I didn't know why I was wrong... I also went to a Christian school that would make me feel bad over living with my grandparents, not being raised by my mother, and not knowing my father. There was also the whole gay thing. I couldn't take it anymore and wanted to live in a gay friendlier place so I moved in with my mother.

My mother always had these boyfriends and that was who she relied on for monetary support. I didn't find happiness when I lived with my mother. Instead I felt like a chaueffer, a maid, and in prison. I babysat my youngest brother from the time I got home from school 'till eight o' clock at night (he also had emotional problems and didn't like me since I was the "perfect" son according to him). I wasn't able to hang out with friends after school, participate in school activities, even get a job, etc. I couldn't go out on weekends because I would babysit again on Friday and Saturday night because my mother and her boyfriend would always be going out to the bars until 3 or 4 in the morning. If I put a protest I would get yelled at very badly and told that I would be grounded since I don't want to be a part of this family and contribute to it, or that I was being "god-damned selfish." My mother would also take away my cell phone, iPod, books, and laptop. My stepfather also didn't like me (even overheard him once tell my mother that he didn't want me here and that he can't be nice to me because he doesn't like me). My mother told me I just had to suck it up because he's the one that pays the bills and supports the family. I became involved with that one relationship that I've had at this time...

After high school I decided to go to college (not a great academic career either - transcript is full of dropping classes and then taking them another semester... it took me four and half years to get an associates degree), and that was it... I decided to do the bare minimum to get by in life. I spent most of my days sleeping; even now I'd rather be asleep than awake because when I'm asleep I'm not conscious of what is going on.

When I do have things going on in my life that are good or the way that I want them to go, I become scared (literally) and feel like I don't deserve it.

 

you may want to post your relationship question separately in the gay forum

you might qualify for medicaid or a community health program

if you can't get medical help, there are still some things that you can do on your own to deal with depression

meditation, daily gentle aerobic exercise (like a brisk walk) could help, and dietary modifications could help.

I often recommend the book "Curing Depression Naturally with Chinese Medicine" by Bob Flaws

I think that there is something called co-counseling, but I don't know too much about it. I think the idea is that people take turns being the "therapist".

I'm sorry that you've had so many problems in your childhood and your family. it would be nice if there was at least one person in your family who you felt like was on your side

 

OP re-posted in Gay section.