Meaning in a context of lack of admiration

I will make this short since I am on an iPad, but I generally espouse Existential beliefs, more precisely, Absurdism.

In my life lately, almost every single dream of my youth has been crushed completely. To put it short: by no fault of my own, I got shafted and screwed over many times.

Now, I know well that life as a human is of little importance in the universe. We are just evolutionary quirks that have ridiculously imbalances brain structuring allowing for genius and horror at the same time.

But my problem is this: if we are to take any solace in life... If we choose not to kill ourselves, we have decided to essentially make our short 70 years on earth the meaning of life. We will use this time to its fullest.

For me, it raises a problem. I tend towards narcissism in many ways (I have actually been diagnosed with Narcissitic Personality Disorder but that is silly IMO) and to me, the way to find meaning is to gain recognition and praise from others during life so that you will not be forgotten. Thus, I seek to have positions of power and notoriety (in a good way...) to validate my shitty existence.

But with my dreams crushed, left in incredible vulnerability and little or no hope that things will get better, despite putting in my 110 percent to attempt it to improve, I fear that I will die unnoticed. My obituary will be short and read by very few. I may hold no distinctions whatsoever upon my death. And it scares THE LIVING HELL out of me.

So how do I reconcile this?

 

If your narcissism is a disorder, shouldn't you acknowledge it as an incorrect way of thinking? How can you overcome that feeling of fear of being unnoticed? Other existentialists did it by reading, writing, consoling their views with others - but they were entering new literary ground. Anything we say has probably been said before.

Anything I say to try and help you will by hypocritical as I am going through the same thing myself. The only (short-lived) relief I get is from use of certain mind-altering drugs, but that's becoming tiresome too. Maybe we're doomed to a miserable existence - is that so bad? I'm not so sure suicide would be better.

When I think it through there seems to be no basis for wanting recognition and power, except as a physiological remnant of human evolution. Genius and brilliance are both relative and applicable only given certain predetermined and arbitrary cultural values, yet sadly this doesn't help.

 

What's more absurd -- continuing on with this life, with a chance of it getting better, a chance of stumbling onto a fortune, of meeting someone who makes you cherish every breath -- or to throw in the towel?

Life is all we got -- might as well live it.

Reconciliation? From what? From your current state? Time will do that on it's own; you can help it along by seeking improvement of your situation (as it sounds you are doing), and through adjustment of your attitude towards your current conditions (which this post suggests might be the direction your heading towards).


Half of the time I can't tell if I'm more terrified of life or more terrified of death -- but I know if I keep working on it, eventually the pieces will come together; whether I'll like the final product is out of my sight, but I see no reason not to keep on building.

 

Despite what you may have been told, true success is quite rare. I don't care how fucking smart or driven you are, failure is the norm.

Once you can accept that idea, you can stop beating yourself up for your failures and find new things to pursue...or just say fuck it all, I don't need "success" to be happy.

Either way, none of us has time for self-pity, enjoy the world the best you can

ZW

 

Thank you for your "food for thought." I definitely absorbed the ideas and took what I could from them. While my actual mood today is a bit better and I feel less bitter, it doesn't change anything about the real and blatant facts that I presented in my original post.

I have given incredible amounts of time reading various articles relevant to my issue and just thinking deeply about things and have made some progress in coming to terms with this brutish life we live.

I often wonder if it is just that I am young AND that for the first 20 years of my life, I was privledged and problem-free, winning award after award and praise after praise. Having it all being taken away from me only five years ago may just not be enough time to fully come to terms with how unfair life really is. Most people with "crappy lives" have had crappy times their whole lives, so I am starting to see why I am so flabbergasted.

I am starting to wonder if nothing but time itself will manage to let me realize the truth: I am insignificant. Even though I have an IQ of 158 and a degree in Math and Physics, the fact that I have a form of Schizophrenia and I am in an terrible economy will trump and result in my chronic unemployment. I was born to a family of poor whites from the city of Baltimore. Thus, I don't have a fucking "network" and it will be decades before I do. There is no rule in the Universe that says that even very intelligent people can't have shitty lives. In fact, as people are insignificant, the Universe has no laws regarding us other than the laws of fucking physics!!

Sorry to continue raving, but it somehow allows me to see things clearer.

Please continue to talk with me.

 

If you think everyone is essentially trivial, what can significance even mean? You're talking about wanting the adulation of all of us insignificant people who will die "unnoticed." Why do you care if we like you or Paris Hilton? We're fodder for the laws of the universe. Our opinions only carry as much weight as you choose to give them.

I say this with all sincerity. It's all a bunch of bullshit. Some people do create a serious impact on human civilization, but even they aren't really remembered. The people who actually knew them die. All we're left with is their contributions. You can either be selfish and be like, "I'm sure glad they gave me all this stuff," or you can pretend to worship people you never even knew. People that might not have even given you the time of day, realistically.

And there's no telling how much is due to circumstance. Some poor slave might have been Sir Isaac Newton if only he or she had had the chance.

You're as alive as anyone has ever been or ever will be.

 

Hi, again, fellow dealers with Existential Angst.

I have come to some resolution lately. I scraped up the few sheckles I had lying around and made a trip to the local book store for a book that might help. Being a fan of Camus' fiction in the past (I think his concept of the "Absurd" is probably the single most accurate way to describe our measly existence that I have yet encountered), so I picked up "The Myth of Sysyphus and Other Essays".

This one is great. Right off the bat, he addresses my main question: Why should I bother not killing myself when I will never be anything 'important'? So far I am only through 20 pages due to my particularly bad ADD (inattentive type), but I am getting a lot of meaning out of it so far.

 

100%, I would say. How could it not be? The only way is if we are separate from the world we are in so that we are acting independently from it. I think the reasons and justifications we come up with what we do are the one of the last things that motivate our actions, with much more primal urges coming first. The intellect is a tool of something else in us, hijacked for purposes not at all advantageous to us.

If we see ourselves and our actions rather as relations in the Einsteinian sense they make more sense. The idea that Newton would have been a 'genius' if he was not born in his time, had the education that he had, in his contemporary scientific climate and without reading what he read is a really ridiculous idea. I think it should be seen and understood that the organism-as-a-whole is an abstract concept, and no such thing exists as if there is something in a bubble working away in isolation from its surrounding environment.

 

Definitely. I think that it is simply useful for our meager minds to use terms that invoke separating objects as independent from the Universe as a whole. There is absolutely no scientific reason to suspect that somehow a human mind is such a special 'thing' that IT is the 'thing' that travels THROUGH time and space, and not rather that time and space (which inevitably contain the human) simply exist in the most elementary way you can think of it.

It seems, honestly, that the entire premise of the mental 'fight' with Existential Anguish is led by one thing: The human brain's inordinately dopaminergic wiring. What I mean by that is this: Dopamine is the neurotransmitter associated with motivation, decision making, and above all else, giving the individual the sense the he/she needs to put him/her self in a position of importance or power/dominance in a situation. Many studies have shown that compared to EVERY other species on the earth, humans have the most grotesquely over-sized Dopaminergic system in the brain.

Sure, on the plains of Africa, it helped our species to form complex bonds and hierarchies for our survival, but now, it is the cause of each and all of our own mental struggle to OVERcome Dopaminergic preference and to realize that the individual person is NOT IMPORTANT by themselves.

It is frankly the price we pay for our so-called 'intelligence.' I find myself more and more having to force myself to look at society from a truly objective standpoint. I almost automatically look at it from a perspective that places ME in the center of it. That is completely dysfunctional and I think overcoming THAT is how one can achieve a sense of inner contentment.

 

I think that every American belonging to our generation or older fell prey to the "American Dream." We all believed that bullshit about being able to be whatever we wanted in life. We were all fed the same lie growing up. That dream may seem more attainable to someone with your intelligience and potential, but as you've learned recently, intelligience and potential for greatness does not guarantee anything.

Everyone is on their own path in this world and your path may not be the same path as the blueprint you envisoned for your life. You simply accept your path and glean whatever happiness you can from it.

 

Interesting about the dopamine. It explains why cocaine and to a lesser extent caffeine are catalysts for 'productive' behavior. Someone exhibiting that behavior would probably be seen as a great worker and praised highly without the slightest notion that it might be pathological, the effect of a drug - which would be condemned if the behavior was linked to it.

My problem is: we are saying this stuff now but it is really these mechanisms of the body that control us. Do you think that if tomorrow we achieved what we call our 'dreams' we would retain these opinions? Not a chance. The higher we are in social and cultural importance, the more we will defend - and neglect to criticize - the existing society and culture, as it is ourselves we are defending. On the other hand, the victims of culture gain power and authority by criticizing it. That may be why I cannot take these 'opinions' seriously and act upon them to achieve social change.

I'm not even sure anymore that there are dreams or goals which aren't put into us by the prevailing culture, and there is anything which I can call 'mine'.

 

You are right about that. I can clearly give you an example regarding myself.

From a year and a half ago until four months ago (when I was forced out of my cozy, university paid job) I didn't really bother to find any sort of solidarity with people who have been victims of 'the system.' I felt like I was somehow 'better' than them because I had a cozy job. I had done something right in my mind.

However, when all of my prestige left me and my money dwindled away, I began to empathize with people who are marginalized by society more. While before, I viewed the Occupy people as misguided and too 'lofty' in their goals, now I completely see why they believe many of the things they espouse.

 

walsh:

Being of the moment is not a form of enslavement, though it's always a 'form'. While the make-up of all our drives is physical, the idea still possesses us more than our mechanism. Don't be afraid to take control! ;D

 

You can see why, but your post shows that you can see WHY you see why! You must feel somewhat distanced from Occupy with that knowledge, as do I, although I too empathize with them. So now having empathized with both sides, and seeing the underlying cause for that empathy, how can you take any action?

I'm not sure I understand. Are you saying we should resist the idea, or the opposite?

 

Walsh:

Do you want to?

Hold that thought! Or don't! lol

 

I'm saying run with it! Not from it! The idea! Thinking is our highest action, no matter how dumb we are! lol

It's tough being conscious.

 

Here is a tidbit From a post I made a while back that I hope may touch upon your thoughts;

"Of the three mescaline offers the most nature based and focused experience. All of my experiences have had the same underlying theme;
Unity through diversity. We gain acceptance and inclusion into the grand parade of life because the randomness of nature dictates that all are special and unique and possessing of inherent value and worth if for no other reason than there has never been nor shall there ever again be another one exactly the same. That applies to everything from snowflakes to galaxy's and beyond. Somewhere in that mix is the Sol system and this little green and blue clump of rock that we all exist on. By virtue of that simple diversity, we all gain entrance into the club.

That club includes everything in nature, from a one celled diatom floating in the ocean to you reading these words, for all life is unique and worthy of admittance."

http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=406125&f=48

 

I finished reading Camus' work The Myth of Sisyphus about two weeks ago, and all that I can say is that it has completely changed and focused my life. Pretty much all of the questions and ambiguous problems I stated in my original post have come to clarity from reading, and more importantly, absorbing and meditating upon, Camus' land-mark essay.

It was a tough read for many reasons. First, it is written incredibly esoterically unlike his novels. Second, it is rather depressing to face such information at first glance. Lastly, to get the most out of it, I had to read a paragraph, then sit and think about it for ten minutes or so. So it took a full month to read.

All I can say is that I feel as though psychotherapists are either STUPID or GREEDY because IMO, if they gave their patients this book, and worked through it with them, their patients would come out the other side with much more maturity and stability than current Cognitive Behavioral Therapy offers.

I finally feel as though I don't need other people to validate me simply because all such value is subjective to the individual and there is no absolute value anyways. It is just wasted energy to compare yourself to other people. But it took a month of hard reading of the book to get to that.

 

What makes you happy? There must be things you enjoy. Music, art, comedy, etc. By some freak accident, there happen to be a lot of beautiful and joyous things on this Earth. Who cares why they're here, who cares why YOU'RE here? Isn't it enough that, through some combination of unlikely circumstances, you are, for a short time period, occupying the same reality as these beautiful and joyous things?

 

A lot of great replies here, but I think this one is my favorite. It took me about thirty-five years (and one divorce) to figure out that the American Dream is a lot of horse shit spoon fed to the middle class by the money class in order to keep us working for them without question or dissent. It seems to me that you're feeling down about all this, but the fact is that you're lucky to have realized the truth when you're young; you have the rest of your life to approach things from a more realistic position. Of course, accepting reality with equanimity won't be easy but it can be done. As for doing something that will keep your name in history, my own solution to this was to become a writer. Granted, I haven't published anything significant yet, but that's not really the point; the fact is, my writing is already out there, and if I'm lucky, more will be out there in the future. If you can't leave a memory behind, leave your words.