Well this is my first time posting on this forum. I've read some stuff all over the internet etc.. like I'm sure many have. But I've been looking for a forum I can feel comfortable with. Anyway, I'm 22 and a gay man. Well ^ there it is. I've only told my best friend, who didn't care. He told me I'm still the same person so it doesn't phase him. I've had a rough time inter-personally trying to figure it out for myself. I've had a few failed relationships with women because I don't feel that way about them "Like I should". And it's simply because I've always known I was gay. It's been a cold, and shameful closet. I got into a period of alcohol and started smoking pot to ease my pain. I'm done hiding who I am, because it's not what some people think is right. It's really hard to find a reason to care what people think anymore. I want to be me. :biker: High School was rough. I slept everyday, only stuck to a few close friends even though I knew everyone. I felt like I didn't belong. (Still passed with good grades somehow.) It's always been really hard to not act gay.. I guess would be the way to put it. I feel dumb sometimes because I censor what I say out loud. I'll quit talking halfway through a sentence to figure out a less gay way of saying things. High School was rough and the real world hasn't gotten any better. My only real dilemma is my family. (of course)-- My family is pretty close and news flies faster then superman. My older brother, who is also my direct boss is highly against gay people in any form. He no longer even talks to our cousin who is also gay. I love my brother and I look up to him, but I don't want him to turn his back on me. That and I need $$. I know I have to tell my family. And I know most of my family won't care, my moms been asking for a while. :daisy: I'm really just scared to tell my brother. If he can't accept me.. there's just no way I'd be able to work with him anymore. He's a really cool guy, he just doesn't understand people are different.. and have feelings. If I lose my brother, my life will dissolve. Or at least feel that way for a while. The only idea I've come up with to tell him so far was: 1. Hide in a random closet. 2. Yell for him. 3. Jump out and yell "TA DA!!" .. but I feel that's not the best way to approach it. It'd be funny and awesome if he didn't care, but sadly it wont work that way. I just don't know what to do. I'd like to make it so my brother can accept me, but that's in a perfect world. Any suggestions will be a big help
Pick your battles young sir. It sounds like supporting yourself right now is a priority. If you feel you need to tell him, let it sit until you're on your own two apart from it. As for your brother, you can't change someone who won't listen. You have to weigh out how much you value his approval against your identity and happiness. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your perspective) you wouldn't be the only one who's lost a loved one when coming out; I'm sure there are any number of people on the site who can relate to that and help you through should that happen. There is also the option of living a "double life", be straight with your family, and be yourself on your own time. Not at all an honest life but I'm saying it might work while you figure things out and plan your next move... Speaking from experience, I have similar problems with my family especially, but certainly not limited to, my mother. She is incapable of accepting me for who I am even without knowing about my orientation. Long ago I made the choice to put the family's feelings over what I know to be true; it's a burden I wouldn't wish anyone to bear. It kills me when they say something hateful cause it feels like they're talking about me. I know I would be happier if I just walked away and be done with them, but I can't. I hope it doesn't come to that and by some miracle he sees you for who you are, but if you don't want to let him go just think about what that means for you
I see two issues here: #1 You believe that you need to seek your family approval for your sexual orientation. This is a cultural issue. When you come to think about it, there is actually no reason for anyone but yourself to be concerned with your sexual orientation. Being close-knit is one thing. Letting the others run your sexuality for you is quite another. No doubt, you depend on their approval for income and sustenance. This is why you have to grow a pair, and start running your own show. Freedom comes at a price. And only you can decide, if you want to stay within your comfy ($$) environment at the price of your happiness or run for the hills, and start calling the shots. #2 People usually stick with their own beliefs, and impose them upon the others if they see this as a viable alternative. Your brother is obviously insisting on being a straight arrow, and he will continue to impose his sexual orientation upon all those who depend on him. Why? For the same reason the dog licks his balls. He can. By this very same token, if you demonstrate to your family that they really have no other choice but to either accept you or lose you, more likely than not, they will give it a thought or two, and decide that after all, your sexuality is yours to live and not theirs to judge. People will usually make the right decision if the wrong decision comes at a high cost to them. Few are willing to challenge their own views unless led to believe that this is in their best interest. KD
you have been your own problem in this situation. You modify your behavior in order not to look gay, in order not to make anybody suspect your sexuality. That's the worst thing to do. For one, you constantly stress yourself with trying to behave in a certain way, and for two you never really express who you really are. Being gay does not encompass a certain type of personality, it does not mean a person only speaks in a certain way or is interested in only certain types of things. And conversely, knowing someone is gay doesn't really mean people will treat you worse just because of that. Yes, some people will. But it really depends more on yourself than your sexuality. If you don't care, and don't let it bother you then people will realize your sexuality doesn't matter. There was a guy in 19th century France. Cambacérès. He was gay. And he was one of the three consuls along with Napoleon Bonaparte. Everyone knew he liked men, he didn't hide it. And it didn't matter. He stayed true to himself, he still went after what he wanted, did what he wanted, lived the way he wanted. And it wasn't because by some odd chance he ended up among people who were exceptionally tolerant of homosexuality. He was treated no different because he didn't think he was any different and thus acted no different. That's how it works. With your problem there are only two options: either don't tell your family until you can find another job, or tell them and face the possibility your brother will fire you, which from what you said about him is very likely. Either these or stay in the closet for the rest of your life when it comes to your family. There is no miracle solution to this. Some people are assholes, and there's nothing you can do about that. You may admire your brother and want his approval, but you have your own life to live. And if he will hate you just because you're gay, then he wasn't a real friend to begin with. These are your two options, either stay true to who you are or lie about it to please someone else.
a At the end of the day, it really does boil down to these two things. You may not want to acknowledge it, but the cold hard fact of the matter is if your brother would disown you simply because you are gay, then he never really loved you in the first place. So by living a lie, you are not only projecting a false image of yourself, you're also living in an illusion where people may appear to care about you, but in actuality, they might not really care about you at all. The fact is, until you tell him about your sexuality, you will never know if he really cares about you, or merely cares about a charicature of you. You say you love him and look up to him... but can you (and more to the point, do you want to) really look up to him knowing that he could cast you out of his life simply because of your sexuality? Is that a quality you wish to aspire to and you think should be admired?
I agree with what has already been said. Either be true to who you are or lie just to please others. If your brother can not accept you for who you are then chances are he never really cared about you to start with. You do what you think is best for you don't worry about what your family might think about it. Be proud to be who you are. In the end the choice is yours to make either tell them or don't, but make sure that it's the right choice for you not them.
