I need someone to please, listen to me.

Please help...

I'm already so ****** up, what else could be wrong?

I'm 17. Most girls my age are out partying, studying, becoming something beautful and great. Then there's me. I've been coping with extreme depression since I was 13 (my doctor refers to it as extreme); (please don't ask the story as to how this occured in me, it's really a long, long story). I also have extreme anxiety (again, doctor's diagnosis). And, I have extreme bi-polar mania disorder (again, by doctor's diagnosis). I'm on the highest dose of the best of these medicines I can afford. I don't know what's still wrong with me. But I need help...

I've never felt pretty. Even at prom, taking 6 hours to get ready and the most beautiful dress, and the most gorgeous boyfriend on this planet, I couldn't keep from crying. Every other girl looked so brilliant, bright, attractive... And I'm at the bottom. People have never understood why I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. For the last month or so I've found I can't look in the mirror, or at windows at night where I could see myself. They always say I'm superficial and ignorant.... I just can't help it. I know truly that a person, deep down, is what truly matters in this world. But I can't help but always think about every little flaw.

I'm scared to tell anyone how I feel because everyone already knows I'm as fucked up as I could ever be. I feel like the people who already know how I feel just don't understand and can't stand me. I've already lost friends over this. I can't go out without hiding my face in some way. I run out of the bathroom after showers just so I don't see myself so I won't cry. And when I do break down and look in the mirror, I don't just cry for a while. I feel so anxious, yet so depressed and angry, that I'll just lay in bed and cry. For the past week or so I've been staying home from school (my parents are on a trip). I told my boyfriend (who takes me to school) that I just don't feel well from lack of sleep (since my anxiety does keep me from sleeping)... But as well as that, all of my disorders have been acting up insanely and I can't stop them.

I'm finding it hard to not do something stupid. I can't get any help here... I feel like just ending it all instead of praying for it to end. Call me crazy, superficial, stupid... It's how I am, and nothing seems to help. I feel dead already...

Could it be BDD (Body Dysmorphic Disorder)? I've been looking at it and in every video, in every article, it's like they took me and put me there. I feel the exact same, only worse, and I'm scared.

I don't want to be this fucked up anymore...

 

Have you told your doctor of these specific feelings? I would. There's probably a change in medications that would help.

 

Try looking at things from another angle. Ask yourself what is going right in your life and focus on that. We can't all be the best at everything. As far as meds and docs, tell them the truth. It's the only way. If you are creeped out by your doc, get a new one. I had to get pretty real with my doc a few times, they can handle it and they won't tell your parents anything.

 

I know I can't be the best at everything... but is it too much to ask to go a day without crying? or to be good at one thing?

 

Did you try and talk to a therapist sometimes they help ??

 

yeah, but she told my parents everything and then called me a liar to my mother. My mother informed her all that i said was in fact the truth. I was humiliated, and I'm too scared to go back

 

Ditto this, you may need a subtle change in your meds, and have the Dr. check to see if what you are taking are safe for teens/young adults... There are specific warnings on many of them.

There's a little trick to this, it's called the "good things list". Start a journal specifically for this. If you already have a journal, that's fine, you can keep doing that the way you have been doing it, but this new one is different... You are only allowed to write good things that happened today. The most simple or "stupid sounding" things that were good... Something you ate that was really good this time, write it down. The sun was out and it wasn't too hot today, write it down. Whatever, just as long as it was good.

If there was some thing that was "okay, but..." put it in the old journal. This new one is only for "Good things". What this does is it tricks your mind into looking for good things instead of dwelling on all the crap. Eventually you will begin seeing more good than bad if you keep it up. Sounds too simple, but it does work.

 

Thank you all for the replies. It seems like no one listens here, or cares, exceot my boyfriend. I don't know how I have him, but if he wasn't there one night, I wouldn't be here to ask for help. Thank you all, and trust me, I'm taking this all to heart.

 

I'm going to try the journal. And Faelixx, thank you... it means a lot. And to all of you, thank you for everything. It seems like no one cares, but a little reply lets me know someone out there listened. thank you.

 

look up body dysmorphia I am no shrink although am a very regular customer but in one of my hospital visits the above subject came up as a girl I was in with had it. I would get help soon no matter what the problem especialy if you are starting to have bad thoughts here in the UK we have mental health people called crisis teams who come out and asses you maybe you should find out about somthing similar where you are

J

 

Need to loosen up. Smoke some weed. Youll be looking at getting some good indica.
Oh also if youre not into pot you can try meditating or doing some yoga.
Erm some cool things youd might like to try out are philosophy and lucid dreaming, i think they could help you view things differently. Oh with that being said, i think you should have a look into shrooms and lucy, i think they have some positive results to lifting depression. Hope i helped is some shape or form. I listened )

 

i really dont think covering extreme depression with drugs is a good idea,
its just a band aid and it will soon enough fall off and then all those problems are staring you down in the face again, it means you need to deal with whats bothering you ,so you can move on from it, yes it will be hard , and no you dont do this stuff alone either.
talking and crying needs to be done in order to express what your true feelings are.
drugs are just kinda putting those feelings back in a box and hiding them in a closet,
thats not how you move forward .

 

You are you're own worst enemy. You're self doubt and insecurities are eating you alive. Once you accept yourself for who you are and stop compairing yourself to others, you will start to smile more

Its all good, for what its worth, you are in a tough stage of life. It gets better. We all have feelings of self doubt, but we learn to cope and remember that life is what you make it

 

5 years from now, you're going to look back at the above statement and laugh your ass off - especially the last part. I don't doubt that you perceive this to be true, now - but I promise you that the envy you feel now will seem unwarranted to you in the future.

I'm going to challenge you to consider the possibility that not all "doctors" are omniscient and infallible. I also want you to know that the people who manufacture and synthesize these medications, have no understanding of how these medications actually work for that matter. They will claim to know, and they will provide some vague explanation, but on a molecular level, they don't really understand how these things work, or why they sometimes work and then suddenly stop working. I have some real world experience in the treatment of mental illness, and I would never suggest that you stop taking your medications as prescribed, but I have witnessed first hand, and on many occasions, these drug cocktails do wonders and suddenly stop working. And I've also witnessed side-effects that make the illness pale in comparison. I've also seen people diagnosed and prescribed medication they didn't need for disorders they didn't have just to keep the money coming in. It happens. A lot.

There is no medication or doctor on earth that can cure low self-esteem, because no one on earth can convince you of your own self worth, except you. You will never be able to control how others perceive you, and truth be told, throughout your life you'll only get glimpses into how people truly perceive you. Moreover, the only person you'll ever truly have the opportunity to completely know and love inside and out, is you. Don't squander that opportunity.

 

What you really need is a change of therapist. There is such a thing as patient confidentiality and if the last one told your parents what you said it needs to be reported to the medical board. Find a therapist you can trust! One that will treat what you say as private. Your general practitioner should be able to refer you to someone suitable. There is help out there - you just need to find it!

 

you need cognitive behavioral therapy.

what you have - by the sounds

is exactly as you expected

it is bdd.

without question.

 

That therapist needs to be reported to higher ups. They are screwed up.

Hey we all have something we can or can't do. I have a friend who is in a wheelchair and can barely talk or move etc etc.. imagine being her.. however, she is really cool and actually helps other people as a volunteer.

Many times we need to get out and help others to take the focus off ourselves.. Heck your 17 and have a whole life ahead of you and well its time to start caring about others who are way worse off. that will take you out of your head and let you be real happy.. Hey you sound like a caring person and not all superficial and those girls at your school are gonna end up getting pregnant with 6 kids and all because right now they thought they were the bang.. Well there is more to your life than right now and you will be the one blosooming into a wonderful woman with people who respect you.. be glad your not like many of the other shallow kids at school..

now go girl get out there and volunteer at a childrens cancer center or an elderly home etc etc..

your gonna do great .. people like you and me who were discriminated against in school end up doing well and becoming decent human beings :2thumbsup:

 

you should talk to a therapist about this "really long story" i'll bet that's what you need to work out.

 

Smile and be self confident, even if it's only an act, people will be more drawn to you that way.

I just found this article on the tubes today, and it's pretty good reading:

10 Ways to Instantly Build Self Confidence

http://www.pickthebrain.com/blog/10-ways-to-instantly-build-self-confidence/

 

RissaBear, you're probably not as fucked up as you think you are (few of us are), and the rest of the world is definitely not as together as you think it is.

Only tip I can give you is: hang out on a forum site for a while and everything I just said will become apparent pretty quick.