So I think I figured my problem out... I will never be happy, I just default to miserable. That's the way it's been forever. I'm very self loathing, I keep making the same mistakes over and over. I'm two months shy of 23 and I think I have the mentality of a 16 year old. I have no drive to accomplish anything and I don't understand it. I have a couple theories as to why this is. It could be because I was raped almost everyday for about a year when I was 4-5 and I can't get over it or it could be because I've been abusing any drugs I can get my hands on since I was thirteen. It could be a combination of the two. I thought moving around would help, you know, a new start somewhere else. I started in Massachusetts, spent some time in North Carolina, and now I'm in Florida. The thing that sucks though is no matter how many new places I go I'm still the same flawed me, I just get a little better at hiding it the worse I get. I have a constant feeling of depression, well that's a lie it's not CONSTANT. I sometimes have moments where I see my life not a complete loss but the only realistic future I see for myself is continuing my downward spiral until I snap and eventually kill myself. That's not what I want to happen but it just seems realistic. I'm not sure why I'm posting this up here I guess I just feel like I need to vent. I spent too much time bottling up everything. That's another thing, trust issues. I don't trust anyone, maybe because I can't be trusted. I'm sick of betraying the people who love and try to help me but everytime I tell myself never again I turn around and fuck up. I've considered the possibility that I have a mental disorder or a character flaw but in the end those are just excuses. That's all I'm good at is making excuses, but the only person I make them to is myself. I don't expect anyone to read all of this or to reply at all but if you feel so inclined feel free.
Wow, That's A Full On, In Your Face Post, But Methinks You Have Already Answered Your Own Question.... Now It's Up To You To Solve The Problem.... I Wish You Well.... Cheers Glen.
Not everyone is born with the drive to succeed and not everyone is destined to be happy Imagine a society where everyone is born with an overwhelming drive to succeed - hell we’d all be CEOs and CFOs and there wouldn’t be anyone out there to do the menial tasks. Hotwater
If you like self-analysis as much as you appear to, see if you can undermine the basis of such convictions in general. Your assumption that because you are unhappy now then you will be unhappy forever may not be as justifiable as you think it is. Has your ability to draw similar conclusions been successful in the past?
Most people with similar childhood experiences probably feel the exact same way. Have you ever considered therapy or some kind of support group?
My 20s were a very rough period in my life too. Truly though, you must get evaluated to double check how deeply this goes. If, on the other hand, you are in a stage of normal human development then you need to occupy yourself with challenges. Start with simple goals, then add on more. Make use of this time while your mind tries to grow.
I learned long ago, and this really rings true for me recently, but the ego is a useless tool. I don't try to think or rationalize myself into happiness using it anymore (and I'm very careful as to how I maintain or do so). The ego is hating. Critical. Never truly content, and a son of a biatch dyadic dynamic abuser. Self-analyzing is usually terrible, and ends up in self-abuse. I'm sure it's not helping. Whatever it is about you that you don't like..do it the hard way -- try getting better at some of them or fixing them instead of mentally escaping [with drugs]. I know working out for me helped a lot. Now I don't stress about it anymore. Remember beyond your ego or mental personality or history, you are still you. The you that's able to take a look back and reflect, the you that can write this post. The you that's in the present moment, so to speak. Build a strong relationship with that, and be strong! I don't know your life sit but simply "chill out. :daisy:" You're not getting raped now, are you? Cool...go from there. Be positive and good luck!
