I feel detached from the world.

I've struggled with on and off depression for many years now, and I've often wondered if I have bipolar disorder because of the distinct "episodes." Over the last few days, however, I've been a lot more depressed than I usually get. Suicide seems ever appealing, but that's not an option for me right now. I wouldn't describe my suicidal thoughts as immediate, though; it's more of a "I really don't want to have to deal with this for the rest of my life" sort of thing.

My recent depressing thoughts have been about my disconnect from the world, most notably in terms of having fun and substance abuse. As a whole, I don't like drugs or alcohol, though I still occasionally indulge. I can't tell if I'm depressed because I don't love/crave them like everyone else or because everyone does and I don't feel like I have as many people I can relate to. My girlfriend enjoys smoking pot even though she hasn't done it without me since we started dating. I hate that part of the reason she doesn't do it anymore is because she knows that I don't like it, but I can't seem to shake the hurt feelings that I get when I actually think about her liking smoking. Why do these things bother me so much?

 

Well firstly id like to give you a hug, but I can't, so have a virtual (((hug)))

Secondly, I know how you feel, youre not alone, your not 'weird', your normal. I had the exact same issue with my ex partner, he was a massive drink & drug fan and although I'd experimented in the past, haf an addiction and do enjoy drinking but its not my number one thing to do. He used to want to get high or drunk everyday, he really enjoyed it and i felt massive guilt for wanting him to cut down, he did though but i knew he wasn't too happy with that.

Depression isnt fun, my mum has suffered for over ten years, became completely disconnected from everyone around her and the world. Do you take any medication for it? It can really help but equally it could do nothing. I think you need to go deeper into your inner self, really find the reason, it may just be the fact you feel bad for being part of the reason your girlfriend doesn't smoke as much but it may be something more, something thats been suppressed for too long, something from your past that didn't affect you at the time but left a permanent mark, meditation is good to really get lost in yourself. If you havent tried it before then it might take a while to get the hang of, I can give you some tips if you'd like.

Hope you feel better soon, its not nice but you arent alone and remember that there is no such thing as an unnessicary smile :daisy:

 

Do you have anything else or anyone else important to you other than your girlfriend?

I can relate to you in that for awhile I was still smoking pot and drinking when I really was no longer interested in. It just wears on your mental health a lot more when you have moral dilemmas with it. You can't compare yourself to others, you feel the way you feel for a reason and you have to honor your own emotions or you're going to dig yourself into a pit of despair and you may not be able to see the connections...before it becomes vague and generalized...take action on how you really feel.

If you're feeling really attached to what your girlfriend is doing, set up some independence from each other. Find something you can engage in outside of your relationship. Stop drinking/smoking when you're not enjoying it...

Also, can you describe these distinct episodes?