i've been developing a relationship with salvia. first experiences were years ago and very light. but they gave me a taste, sort of like watching and listening to someone from across the room. you form an impression, you might even exchange a look or a few pleasant words. more recently i decided to go for the breakthroughs. i seem to be very receptive, it doesn't take much for me to break through the stratosphere. there are some ups and downs though. my first time on the other side, i remember very little of, just the tail end of what was clearly a very long time (in salvia-time). i might have spent years as i was with "people" that were like life-long friends, as close as can be. just an exceedingly supportive, warm environment without any anxiety or frustrations. the sense of open and direct communication was... i don't want to cheapen it with superlatives, in some sense it was just "right." but it was very satisfying. but here's where it got tricky, i don't know which was the stimulus and which the response. but self-awareness (of the type we think of on "this side") or consciousness of myself tripping and in this other place seemed to accompany the transition back. and it was awful. i don't know if i was responding to noises around me in my corporeal world, and that pulled me out, or if i was just coming down and it was time to leave. but the fabric of the landscape around me in that other place started to warp and tear, and be rolled up like a rug. and me along with it. the sense of annihilation was profound, and certainly bad enough in its own right. the awareness of being ripped out of that particular place of peace and well-being was equally as tragic. tragic, not just frightening. then it wasn't just a rug being torn and rolled up. the material of the universe was being bitten through. by a giant mouth. and i was going to end up torn asunder, in that mouth. that's when i started to struggle and fight. not sure how long this went on, but i came back to my body and was able to remember that i was high and not being ripped apart. of course, the first thing i did when i realized i was alright was shut my eyes and try to go back. that seems to be where a lot of the conversation takes place, after the first splash down back on earth but where there's still some... something... moving between. you can still ask questions and it may be just the benefit of having so recently been in that other way of thinking, but you can still reframe your perspective regarding things on this side. that was a few months ago. despite the discomfort, knowing about that other place is compelling. especially as i felt so welcome. last week i decided to go back. i mixed what i thought would be a fairly mild dose, not intent on the breakthrough, but willing to go where ever she took me. before i'd even exhaled, there she was, in her place, saying how nice it was to see me again. unfortunately, at the same time there was some awareness, quasi-visual, that had the same feel and texture that i remembered from my crash-landing. that was enough to trigger this dread, it was like not a moment had passed since i was in that mouth. and now it was back. i was aware that i had to go one way (towards salvia, and others, who were inviting me into their home), or the other (back here?). but the choice wasn't clear, i didn't know which way was up, which way i had to move. fear took over. i don't know what happened then, i have about 10 minutes unaccounted for. at one point i became aware that i was looking out the window of my apartment. ok, that's not good. someone was sitting and talking on the steps out front, and i'm responding, muttering something. i hope i muttered. this is why you do this with a sitter. what's to keep me from going out my front door, in a semi-conscious state? bad things can happen. i'm walking around, the light is on, but no one is fucking home. it's only after some digesting that i've begun to think of the unpleasant part as distinct from the positive part, and not just one big salvia roller coaster. i'm not at all sure that i'm not rationalizing this, but it seems that salvia and i have a rapport, it's just the elevator ride that freaks me out. and that freak out is keeping me from being able to visit and act as a proper guest should. i also wonder if i would have done better with a slightly stronger hit, if that would have made lift-off faster and smoother, without the opportunity to look down and get vertigo. at the same time, i don't want to be disrespectful and just keep hitting it harder, like a bottle of booze and i'm on a bender. i've done a lot of reading, but so far i can't find any regular guests (residents?) who have a method for dealing with the travel sickness. if anyone knows of a source of information, or has some insight of their own, i'd be grateful. :sunny:
Each Salvia trip has it's own unique qualities to it for me. I definitely have a sense of familiarity with trips and when it's coming on I often get a sense of my brain 'screaming' HERE WE GOOO!!! as it's bracing itself, if it even has enough time to register but each journey for me is a distinct exploration of Salvia Space. The only way I've found to explore the Salvia Space with more of a sense of comfort is to take MDMA or a similar empathogenic psychedelic and wait until post peak of the empathogen to introduce Salvia. I find this synergy counteracts the Salvia Gravity and other turbulent physical perceptions I experience on Salvia and also doesn't seem to prompt quite the fight or flight response that I tend to get with Salvia alone. I'll note that the Salvia trip is extended in this combination as well so be prepared for a breakthrough trip that lasts a few minutes longer and the coming back period is a slower return as well. Other than that, I do get some very blissful and rather peaceful Salvia Divinorum trips here and there but everytime I seem to get a head about it and feel like I understand the Salvia trip, it seems to throw a turbulent and difficult trip at me. I've explored Salvia with empathogens only a few times so perhaps that combo may throw in something fairly difficult as well in future explorations. Salvia Divinorum more than any other psychedelic and disassociative has a way of throwing unsettling trips at me but due to it's rather benign physical effects and like you said how compelling the trip is I feel it's a trip worth going back to and further exploration.
thanks for your response, guerillabedlam. it's interesting what you say about the good ones and the not so good ones, and the inconsistency. in one sense i am reassured by that, that there will be opportunities to get back in there. getting shut down at the outset on this last trip was discouraging. if i can't even get back in there for even a moment, how can i figure out how better to make my way. while i wouldn't like to say that i'm unwilling, the mdma sounds to me like a long way to go. it can be fun and all, but definitely a detour. thanks again for your insight. i shall have a look around and read some more of your posts. and i'll let you know how i get on next time, which probably won't be too long from now.
