I don't know what to do, can someone give me advice?

Hello everyone!

I have a friend for the past 7 years that I consider to be like a sister to me. Over the years we have spent a lot of time together and are very close although we have also had a falling out and reconciled. Recently it has seemed to me that she is trying to come out of the closet slowly or something. I don't know what her problem is if it's true. We are both from NYC and have been around gay people all of our lives. I'm unconventional myself and have nothing against gay people and I'm non-judgemental so I can't see why it would be such an issue. I always thought that she is nothing but a tomboy (we're both in our early 40s) because she loves sports and mostly dresses in dark colored sweatsuits and sneakers (on her job she can dress this way). My ex-boyfriend, who is very intuitive and has never been wrong when judging a person's motivations or explaining their behavior to me (I'm BAD at picking up subtleties) kept telling me that she is gay and in love with me. I would tell him that he is ridiculous and jealous of our close relationship because she does have relationships with men. They only last for a few months at a time but I always thought it was because her standards are too high. Sorry to go on so long but I'm really confused about this because if it's true, why won't she just come out and say so instead of dragging the process out over the last couple of years? Well, here are the indicators:

- She is a jokey person and has made several jokes about "coming out of the closet"
- Sometimes when she and I go out, she dresses up like she's going out on a date with me
- Often she will physically place herself between me and guys who are trying to check me out. This is very blatant
- Was always super critical of my ex although he is not a bad guy
- My ex first noticed her unwarranted hostility toward him and brought it to my attention
- She has asked me several times to come have drinks with her and spend the night at her house and sleep in her bed with her (we both have a lot of free time since our kids are grown and she only has one bedroom in her house)
- She has been wearing all black lately like she is depressed (she suffers from depression off and on) yet for no apparent reason causing the depression right now.
- She has lately been wearing an unflattering and mannish and man-repellant hairstyle
-She has hung out for a weekend with an all-lesbian group at least once that I know of
- Lately she wants to know ALL the details of my sex life. This makes me uncomfortable because I don't usually discuss it with anyone, but we are so close that I answer any question she asks me.
- She is one of those people who often won't say what is really on her mind.
- A couple of things I thought she did just because we are close friends but now wonder if it is because of deeper feelings: - she will almost always change plans with anyone else to spend time with me if I think of last minute plans. When we go out, she never wants to end the outing and instead likes to sit chatting with me for hours after our meal is over.

So is she a lesbian trying to come out? Could she still be unsure in her 40s? Why should it be a big freaking deal? I couldn't care less if she is or isn't I'd still love her the same. My ex says the issue she is probably struggling with the most is not that she is a lesbian (and he is convinced that she is sexually active with the same sex idk) but that she loves me and doesn't know how to deal with it since I'm heterosexual. I feel that if I come straight out and ask her, she will deny it. Afterall, she's been hinting about this for the past couple of years rather than just saying so. Plus, I feel stupid if I'm reading too much into her behavior.

Can someone help me with what if anything I should do? If I ask her and she denies it, I think it will create an uncomfortable space between us where she suspects that I suspect that she is lying. That's why I hesitate to ask. Thank you to anyone who will take the time to help me understand how to approach this situation. Or should I just leave things alone?

 

i hate to sound this way but, have you tried straight-up asking her? asking complete strangers what they think really won't help much, in an unbiased crowd you'll usually get a 50/50 split in opinion. and any real advice (or at least the helpful kind) will involve asking her, or waiting for her to tell you.

my advice is to just ask, no tricks, no gimmicks, and don't explain more than you have to. just ask, and reinforce that you're straight.

if she is gay, then you can offer to support her and help her.

 

KiloFoxx, thank you so much for responding. I agree that I probably need to come straight out and ask her. My only problem has been that I've been accused many times in the past of being too blunt as I am generally a very direct person. I do not communicate in subtleties and it's hard for me to read hints. In this instance, I worry that I may say the wrong thing that may turn her off since I could be entirely misreading the situation. So I thought that maybe some strangers may have experienced a similar situation on either side of the fence and give me some insight as to what is going on. As we all know, women can be very sensitive (I'm a woman, but I'm not like that at all) and if you say the wrong thing they can hold onto anger against you for weeks, months or even years. I don't want to piss my friend off in any way, but I'd like to help her because it seems that she is struggling with something. If she doesn't ever come out and tell me what it is, I'm not the type of person who has the ability to probe people to get to their deepest feelings so the issue may remain unresolved if she doesn't share with me what it is.

 

ah well unfortunatly i'm male (and so are almost all my friends) so i can't really help with the "women tend to be more sensetive" bit... but i can be very blunt and direct myself and i don't see anything wrong with it. if anything it's admirable. there's so much undertone and subtext and subtlty going around, it's so hard to deviate away from that and just say what you mean. (though it makes things SO much easier in the long run) if you're afraid of messing things up between the two of you, i guess you could try asking someone else to ask her directly, though it might be a better idea to ask yourself. unfortunatly i've never been in a situation like this (i'm the only confirmed gay/bi person in my group of friends, and i came right out and told everyone.) so all i can really give is my own thoughts on the matter, no real experience to use as a basis to help ya out with. sorry.

 

After one of those meals that you said you have and you guys just are sitting around chatting, just start out by telling that she is your friend, and has been for years, tell her how you truly feel about her, a close sisterly friendship.. however you describe it, and that if there is anything she ever needs to tell you, that you will be there to listen, and that there is nothing she could ever tell you that would change your friendship and feelings for her. Every person that has came out to me ALWAYS starts out, nothing I tell you would ever change our relationship would it? Hell when I came out to my Mother, I started out the same way! Just reassure her that no matter what you will always be there for her. Coming out is always the hardest thing to do, more so when you are older. Not saying that coming out is easy for anyone, but when you change or try to be someone that you are not, like you said she's dated men in the past, etc. It's hard to make that big jump per se from what society says how you are "suppose" to be to a gay relationship. Don't just come out and ask her. She will deny it. We all do at first!