Father took off, told me im on my own, advice!

Hi, ive been seeing a guy i really loved, and thought he loved me up to a week ago. Everything was fine, and i had no idea this was coming. We been seeing each other for about 7 months. Im currently 18 weeks pregnant. I found out the other day i am having a little girl. I texted him and told him about the news, and no reply. So i left it as that, as he is a paramedic and gets very busy on the ambulance sometimes. Well two days had passed and i didn't hear nothing from him so i decided to call. He was upset about something that happened over his ex girlfriend not letting him go and won't leave him alone, and he out of the blue told me that he "NEVER WANTED THIS BABY" and that is why he decided not to reply to my messages about the baby. In the last 3 months ive bought him a new computer, helped him by a new vehicle, helped him more then most likely anyone has ever helped him in his life, and being pregnant , he should be the one helping me. So this comment took me totally by suprise and side swiped me. I asked him what he means by he didn't want this baby? He said "IT WASN'T PLANNED, THERE FOR ITS NOT WANTED, SO HE SHOULD NOT HAVE TO BE THE FATHER TO IT, AND THAT HE HAS TWO KIDS WHO"WERE PLANNED" AND ARE LOVED" "his words" AND THAT HE RATHER SPEND ALL HIS TIME AND ATTENTION ON THEM , THEN SOME KID THAT HE DIDN'T WANT IN THE FIRST PLACE. HE TOLD ME HE WAS NOT GONNA BE THERE FOR ME, AND NOT BE A PART OF THE BABYS LIFE NOW NOR WHEN IT WAS BORN AND HE WOULD NOT CHANGE HIS MIND. He felt i only wanted to keep the baby to trap him, was compeletly untrue, as i have been thinking about adoption since all this has happened, cause im not sure i can raise this child without a father as a have other children. IM 31 YEARS OLD, NOW 18. in that he told me he still wanted to be friends tho, and MAYBE we can get the kids all togehter sometime to go camping, and i asked him "IF YOU WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT , HOW IS THAT GONNA WORK? " i was thinking he was thinking friends with benifets......i told him i couldn't be friends with him knowing the baby i was carrying he didn't want nothing to do with, and that would hurt me more then 1000 knifes in my back. so i told him no.

So im asking for advice, and what people think i should do, i feel i really fucked up, even tho i have no idea what the heck i did. He has not talked to me in a week, and has held true to his words of not wanting anything to do with us since our convo. His parents DO NOT" know......should i tell them? He does live with his parents, do they have the right to know i am carrying their grandchild? Is that even my concern to tell them? or is it my right to at least find out medical info for my childs sake? He never told him cause i have the feeling they would disapprove of how he is handling it. If fact id bet on it. That and hes afraid of what people think of him, which from what i heard after that fact isn't very highly.
Should i think about adpotion? should i tell his parents? should i just raise the baby on my own and let it all go?
Please help.....
Thanks for any advice!

I never thought someone who makes their living out of helping people as a paramedic could be so cold hearted as this, but then again, in life it takes all kinds of people.

 

If you keep the baby you have a right to child support and every right to tell his parents so your child can know his/her grandparents.

 

tough situation. adoption or not, I don't think anyone can answer that for you. that might be a good option, if that is what you want.

it might be good to talk to his parents, but I wouldn't do it behind his back. the ideal thing is to get him to cooperate on some level with whatever you decide to do.

I can understand that the arrival of the baby might be stressful for him if he didn't want it, but nonetheless, he's the father and has responsibilities.


if you keep the baby, he'll have to pay you child support.

hope that this all works out

 

Well first thing is to keep a cool head and make a game plan.

From what you've said here, it sounds like this guy feels emotionally boxed in and he's not happy where he is in life. I can see you do/did care for him in the past but ultimately there's a flare of danger hanging around him. A clean break is probably a safe move but I would need a to start establishing a gameplan, both legally and on a common sense scale.

Do you have girlfriends or family you trust that can support you while you go through this?

1. Start researching some state laws regarding child support at both the federal level and at your state level. Start seeing what's out there for you.

2. Do not assume the grandparents will side with you, it's a risk emotionally making the assumption they'll side with you. It doesn't hurt reaching out to them, but go to them with legal proof that the baby IS HIS.

3. Always be prepared for a custody rights battle. Luckily you are a woman and this guy telling you he flat out wants nothing to do with a child fathered him will help your case.

(but remember proof is everything)

 

Monkjr, your 100% right one he doesn't like where he is in life, you are right, and boxed in, another nail on the head, yes. as for any question this child is his or not, i have not doubts. but your right, going forward with proof once the baby is here, will help not only my baby's future but maybe make mine a little less financially stressful too. My biggest question is , how can someone just walk away from their blood. I could never do that. Not in a million years. The more i get forward with this pregnancy the more im siding on just rasing her and keeping her . I care about my kids dearly, they are everything to me.

 

What a awful situation - you must be in shock to have a man turn so cold on you, my heart goes out to you ...

Sit quiet, find a space to feel and think. I do not know your exact situation so it is hard to give advice. You are obviously going to have the baby one way or another. I really truly hope he surprises you and comes good, if not you are strong you have other children this baby could be a blessing to a tribe you have already formed.

Good luck
:love:

 

Your ex is a child. Let me tell you something as a product of a single parent home: If you decide to keep and raise this child (and I hope you do) - there's nothing to be gained from your child having any contact with his/her reluctant biological father or his family. If you need financial support from him, or them, get it - beyond that forget it. You're better off on your own, and believe me when I say that your child will be better off in the long run.

This is the part that "adults" refuse accept when it comes to estrangement and children. There is almost always some degree of nastiness and pettiness when it comes to divorce and estrangement, and you will not be able to shield your child from it if you allow your ex-man child or his family to have contact with the child. Subtle things will be said or done and your child will pick up on that from the moment he/she starts to retain memories. This is a fact. I have experienced personally and observed countless times in others.

This nastiness will have a negative effect on your child's world view - an even more negative effect than the inevitable knowledge that his/her father wanted nothing to do with him/her. You will invariably (and justifiably) cast your child's absent father as a villain, and the father and his family will invariably cast you as a villain. It will happen at some point. I don't care how well you get along with the man-child's family, they will side with him to some extent, at some point, and your child will witness this and he/she will begin to have doubts and questions. When a child is exposed to this ever present atmosphere of ambivalence, it will have a negative effect on him/her, and the likely result will be fear, uncertainty and a long term distrust of people.

You made the decision to conceive a child with this man. That's all on you, and the outcome is yours and yours alone to determine, since the "man" you decided to conceive a child with has elected to flee from his own responsibilities. This makes him a coward and a child. A child has no business raising a child, so it's left to you, the adult, to successfully raise your child into a responsible adult. If you can't fulfill that role, then do your child a favor and give him/her up to responsible adults who can raise him/her into a responsible adult.

One final note, I get the impression that if your man-child ex suddenly "turned a new leaf" and decided that he want to be a part of you and your child's life, that you would gladly take him back. Don't be that fool. Your man-child has revealed his true nature. He will not change, ever. Nothing, and I do mean nothing you can ever say or do will change that nature. Again, you will never change him. You should have picked up on his nature long before you made the mistake of conceiving a child with him, but you didn't. Now you know better. Now you know that you have poor judgement. Now you know enough to question your own judgement. That is a powerful tool. Use it. Learn from it. The best thing you can do is to avoid making the same mistake twice. You need to take a good hard, self critical, look at yourself and figure out why you were attracted to this kind of person in the first place, learn from that mistake and never repeat it again. You need to do this not just for yourself, but for your child's sake, for the sake any future children you may decide to conceive. Accident or not, the moment you decided (and yes you did decide to risk conceiving a child with this "man") your life is no longer about you. You have a greater responsibility. You can refuse that responsibility, just as your man-child ex decided to refuse his responsibility, but you cannot escape the consequences of your decisions.

 

^^^^Right on the money. He has revealed himself. Move on.

 

Brilliant advice - :2thumbsup:

 

thank you everyone, your right 100%

 

Don't think about adoption until the baby is here.

Your mind will most likely change the first time you hold her.

 

when i read the title i thought your father left, i would have lots of advice for that. but babys dady not so much.

 

thanks lovely, i will take that advice :")

 

4 months pregnant 7 months into dating at 31?

So you got pregnant 3 months into dating him.

In that 25-35 age range, no one is really going to believe you were a little desperate to have a baby, even if you werent, most girls in that range are.

People for the most part will tell you what you want to hear, but you know other woman at least are going to believe that was at least kind of the plan all along

Adopt her out, thats bullshit, you are not going to be able to. Coochie coochie coo


That might sound a bit nasty, but I'll 1,2,3,4, I'll fourth what Jamgrassphan, kids just going to grow up modifying what she says to you based on what she thinks you want to hear. Dual parents, single parents, it wont make a difference thats just all stuff parents want to believe

Lastly, I'll try win the feminist vote here by saying raising her alone will give you a very different view of the sisterhood, they'll pretty much all be ready to judge you but wont lift a finger to help you. So ready to give you the pitty party to make themselves feel superior but then wont let you anywhere near their husbands cos you are a wildcard. In my opinion girls are better off not having the father around fulltime, less likely to grow into the daddys little princess ones that are REALLY annoying and its a little icky

 

idk Vanilla, the family structure is changing a lot and it's a lot more common place now for single parents to exist in society now. I think she'll be fine and any judgement she gets will be a lot easier on her NOW compared to decades ago.

 

Im divorced and am the mother of 5 children, my oldest children being teens, so i assure you another child was the last thing i wanted. Im not looking for pitty, just wanna do the right thing, whatever that happens to be, weather you believe it or not, im not tihnking of myself here, im thinking in the best interested of the baby. Thanks for your views on women, but they don't apply to all of us! thanks for your comment.

 

Riiiiiiiiiiight, cos its male vs female, all other women are going to agree with you, none will hear this and their jaw will drop

Women like you are just downright scary. I'm not actually being critical, you love kids, love being pregnant. Everything else in life kind of gets boring, its the reason we are all here, and its good for you, lots of them around when you are much older.

But you cant seriously believe the paramedic or anyone else for that matter isnt going to think you arent baby crazy

 

Ok, so the paramedic is dating a divorced woman with 5 kids and finds out that she is pregnant. Fear doesn't even come close to how I imagine he is feeling. You're raising 5 kids, you're not going to want to put this one up for adoption. Accept what's happened and move on. As for telling his parents about their new grandchild? I think you probably underestimate how they will react to protect their son no matter what they really think about the situation. Sorry!

 

yeah your most likely right, who would want me, they would have to be crazy.