I have seen a few of these on other forums and some of them can get really funny. here is a start from me. Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road? SARAH PALIN: The chicken crossed the road because gosh-darn it, he's a maverick! BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change! JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road. HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me. Romney : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here. DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun? COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road. BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken? AL GORE: I invented the chicken. JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it. AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens. DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems. OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a NEW CAR so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens. ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road. NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
Good jokes, but why atheist? Maybe we could come up with some more relevant to the Forum. e.g., How many atheists (Catholics, fundamentalists,Muslims, etc.) does it take to change a light bulb? Why did the atheist (Catholic,fundamentalist, Muslim, etc.) jump off the roof of the Empire State Building? Dawkins, Hichens, Harris, Dennett and a priest (rabbi, imam, televangelist) went into a bar...
funny signs from around the world: In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions." A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose." Note at the bottom of the menu of a German restaurant: "After the main course we suggest that you sample the tart of the house" In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."
Here are a few from George Carlin which I have saved and smile at years later. He was a deep thinker who had an ability to make us all thing with laughter. 1. "Something is wrong here: War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the resume of a supreme being. This is the kinda (expletive) you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude." 2. "I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam." 3. "Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" 4. "Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" 5. "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose." 6. "Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?" 7. "Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that." (my personal favorite) 8. "How come when it's us it's 'an abortion,' but when it's a chicken it's an omelet?" 9. "The best thing about getting old is you're not responsible for remembering things anymore. Even important things. 'But it was your daughter's funeral.' 'I forgot!' You can even make believe you have Alzheimer's disease. It's a lot of fun. You can look around the dining room table and say, 'Who are you people and where is my horse?' 10. "Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man… living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money." 11. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front row seat. 12. When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot’s hands. 13. Always do whatever’s next. 14. Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 15. Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. 16. If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten 17. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. [George Carlin, from the album "A Place For My Stuff"] 18. We created god in our own image and likeness! [George Carlin] 19. I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, 'This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me.' [George Carlin, in the _New York Times_ 20 August 1995, pg. 17. He attended Cardinal Hayes High School in the Bronx, but left during his sophomore year in 1952 and never went back to school. Before that he attended a Catholic grammar school, Corpus Christi, which he called an experimental school.] 20. If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else [George Carlin, from the album "What Am I Doing In New Jersey?"] 21. This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. [George Carlin, on Saturday Night Live] 22. I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. [George Carlin] 23. Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll to to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money! [George Carlin, fromalbum "You Are All Diseased" (it can also be found in the book "Napalm and Silly Putty".] 24. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music. [George Carlin, Brain Droppings] 25. I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to God are all answered at about the same 50-percent rate. [George Carlin, from "You Are All Diseased".] 26. A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist. [George Carlin] 27. I have as much authority as the pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. [George Carlin, Brain Droppings] 28. Jesus was a cross dresser [George Carlin, Brain Droppings] 29. I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. [George Carlin, Brain Droppings]
Christian: Born that Way? Gay scientists discover the "Christianity gene." Another mystery solved. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCzbNkyXO50&feature=player_embedded"]Gay Scientists Isolate Christian Gene - YouTube
One of my favorite jokes of all time The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
This one's at the Athiest's expense, but it's stiil funny: "What do Atheist's yell when they have an orgasm? OH, EVOLUTION!" -Bill Hicks However, to refute Mr. Hicks' assumption, I still yell Oh, God! I figure that if there is an appropriate time to accept Pascal's wager, it is in the throes of coitus, because, after all, according to the beliefs of my Catholic forebearers, this seems to be the time when His Divine Scrutiny is most highly exercised.
