Problems in Paradise

Helloo. I'm new here and not entirely sure what to post or say, but I'm having some issues with my relationship and even more unsure of what to do.

So, I'm 19 and have been dating my boyfriend (same age) for a little over a year. When we first had sex (I hadn't had sex for over a year, so I was also basically raging if he so much as put his hand on my hip), it was great. Hot, steamy, intense. I could SEE how much he wanted me and it made me hot because I felt desired. Well it's not like that anymore and I don't know if it's normal, but it's making me frustrated. I'm always online looking up new ways to spice up our sex life and make things steamy again, but he NEVER tries.

Our foreplay is "So you wanna do something?" and it sucks. I'm never physically stimulated enough for sex when we have sex. I had to get lube so the penetration was easier.

One of the worst parts is the fact that I basically give him anything he asks for. Anal? Yep. Blowjobs? Whenever he wants. I swallow his cum, let him cum on me...whatever he wants. He could wake me up at 3 AM for sex and I'd be okay with it. But he never gives me anything. I'm giving, giving, giving and getting nothing in return.

Don't get me wrong, the sex is still great. I used to not enjoy sex at all, like I never felt anything and just laid there so the guy could do what he wanted, and now with him, I finally get some pleasure out of it. And he does work 5 1/2 days a week (6 AM-4:30 PM weekdays, 6 AM-12:00 PM Sat), so I understand that he's exhausted from working like that. I just want more foreplay. I want to feel desired again. I don't feel sexy (though I've never had the best self-esteem).

I have tried talking to him about it over and over again, but he's not the best listener. So does anyone have any suggestions? Maybe a good way to approach the subject?

Help, advice, anything is appreciated. Thanks!

 

being straight forward about this subject seems difficult for many....talking is obviously the way to solve this problem....if i were in your shoes i would examine just how ''straight forward'' i am in other areas of my life

start speaking your mind in every way possible about other situations and you should soon be able to approach the subject with more confidence.....i tend to try and fix things from the bottom up instead of jumping right to the biggest issue atm

this[to me] is a confidence problem more than a sex problem

having said that some dudes just dont get it!....dont let him knock you up whatever you do until this is resolved

 

I'd like to be straight about it, but I keep worrying that I'll accidentally hurt his ego or something. It seems to be a relatively big deal to guys when it comes to their performance in bedroom activities. Like if I were to tell him that he hasn't made me orgasm even in the gentlest, most constructive way possible. I don't want him to think that I don't enjoy having sex with him. I just want to feel like what I want sexually matters. I want to feel wanted again. Am I really asking for that much?

And as for the confidence issue, are you referring to me or him? Might be a stupid question, but I just want to clarify.

 

If he is not a giver, he never will be.

Sounds to me like you might need a new boyfriend. Who's to say this won't start happening in other aspects of the relationship?

 

lovelyxmalia,

Well.. Other than this issue, our relationship is great. I've never laughed so much or been so happy and in love. But as much as I love him, I will do what I have to if it's what's best for me. Even if that means leaving him.

I really want to try working this out with him before I give up, though. This guy means a lot to me. He's just a little...not in touch with his sensitive side, I guess you could say. Yeah, he's not perfect. But neither am I, and this is something that can be worked on.

Now, I'm not foolish enough to say he's "the one" or that I'll never be with anyone else ever in my life. But I also think that a lot of kids my age waste relationships by giving up when there's an obstacle. I love him and he loves me. So if the love is still there, that means it's still worth fighting for, right? We're both 19, that means we're both young enough that there's still time and opportunity to change.

 

So the guy doesn't give you foreplay and is not a good listener. Sounds like a waste of time to me. Good communication equals a better sexual relationship. You don't think you can do better then that? There are plenty of guys out there like myself that will eat pussy for hours no matter how tired they are from work. Sounds like a selfish guy.

 

I hate hearing a woman beg for sexual activities from her partner. When I first read the post, I thought to myself I'm in the same predicament. Try doing a little less since you do everything.

On ways to bring up a sensitive moment, send a e-card, sing it out in a song or just be straight forward.

 

Sounds like your guy sucks more than you do.

 

Sorry, guys. I've been taking care of my mom who recently had back surgery and haven't really had the chance to get on here.

As for the problems listed above, I am considering taking away some of the sexual "privileges" I've given him until he starts giving me some of what I want. My only hesitation is that I'm afraid that if I don't give him what he wants, he'll look for it elsewhere. This, I know, is pathetic and ridiculous. Because A) If he really loves me, he won't do that. and B) He really isn't that kind of guy.


He is pretty selfish, though. I do have to admit that. In the bedroom, at least. He's not like that so much in other areas of our relationship. So I'm gonna try talking to him about it and express clearly that I'm not getting everything I need from him.


Though, I am on birth control. I have to take the pill because I get really bad menstrual cramps. Really bad. Like, I throw up and pass out on the floor- bad. But I have also noticed that since I've been on the pill, it's been harder for me to become really horny. What used to drive me crazy, like in foreplay, doesn't really have that much of an impact on me anymore. Maybe I just can't turn my brain off, but even though I'm in the mood for sex, I just don't get physically stimulated like I used to.

 

As a man who is in a sort of similar situation, tell him bluntly, either nothing is happening until he kicks in. My wife will wake me up at 3am, she will do almost anything I want, but she will usually have to initiate things. Since she has moods and stuff, I just don't know when she will want to or not. She is sick as well, so it is very difficult for me to read into what she would want. I am always willing to go down on her or set the mood if I know she wants to fool around, but knowing is 99% of it.

 

iriegnome,

That is true, but he admits that he knows I'm always open to the idea of sex. And it's not really how often we have sex that bothers me. I feel like we have enough sex during a week. My problem is the lack of attention I get from him, like the little to no existence of foreplay. He doesn't pay attention to my sexual needs as well as I feel like he should.


But I did talk to him about it, and the last couple of times we've had sex were much better. I think it helped that I told him that I just want a little more...passion, I guess is a good way of putting it. I said that I was feeling playful and that foreplay was fun to me. And it worked out. So who knows? Could be progress.

 

Adding to the conversation, I want to stress to women that you cannot expect a man to recognize he's not satisfying you sexually, especially if you fake orgasm which has become more of a curse for women in a trade off for a temporary get it over with solution.

We men think we're doing decent if we hear you moan. Suddenly taking away what the OP calls "privileges" will appear as random or without reason from our perspective especially if a conversation didn't happen and other non intimate areas of the relationship are comfortable and balanced.

Also in the OP's case the pill can affect the level of passion and thus orgasm and that sense of emotional fulfillment, achieved in sexcapades past. Also a guy can be confused or hurt if he hasn't changed his routine and the results in his woman doesn't or stops working.

For us physical routine means consistent orgasm for the most part despite mood and its hard for us to relate to a lack of mood killing the chance of orgasm if the physical routine stimulation is there.

 

So its the usual story. Pick a guy below your ranking so he sticks around, scratch your head, gee why doesnt he turn me on instantly? A year later scratch your head as to why it isnt like it was at first. Why doesnt he try harder? When you are the one more bored than he is. "Arent I enough?" when you are flirting with every hotter guy right in front of him.

Try make out he's selfish when outside the bedroom he is likely to be doing more than his fair share, he is the doormat after all. And even in the bedroom, he has to do most of the work, apparently thats the guys job, you dont even really get turned on, gee why has he just given up?

Communication (talking) apparently will solve everything. Even though he knows by now just to keep his mouth shut cos he's going to be wrong anyway, or be told how he should think

And 5 years from now you are wondering why none of them so much as even talk to you

 

I agree with vanilla on the point that you have to talk to your guy about bedroom problems. And you have to connect the dots for guys when it comes to keeping the emotion of desire on.

But I don't agree with some of vanilla's over generalizations or lack of explaining the breakdown of communication in long term couples.

Like I don't know where Vanilla can assume the OP "picked a guy below her ranking" that assumes the problem is one of status, not communication breakdown.

 

Wow, really? You couldn't be MORE wrong. Did you look at anything else I've said? I even stated that I feel like if I don't give him everything he wants in terms of sexual pleasures, that I'm afraid that he'll look for it elsewhere. I feel like he's out of MY league, not the other way around. And just so you don't somehow get confused about that: I feel like his rank is above me, not below.

And I HAVE talked to him. I am STILL talking to him. And I most definitely wouldn't just take away privileges without explaining why I'm doing so because even I'm smart enough to know that not explaining wouldn't accomplish anything.


But because you know SO much about my relationship with him, you must know that when I have tried talking to him (which has been countless times, by the way), he basically half-heartedly listens to what I'm saying. And while he does do his fair share of work in our relationship, he still doesn't put in more effort than I do. I'm ALWAYS the one trying to communicate with him and asking him for his thoughts or feelings. What he might want me to start doing, continue doing, or stop doing. He is NOT my doormat.


As for being turned on, maybe something called FOREPLAY would help. Which, if you had been paying attention AT ALL, I have said barely exists in our sex life. I am still very attracted to my boyfriend. I love him and only him. He is the only man I am attracted to. Other guys do not catch my eye. So there goes your I flirt with every other guy assumption.


Your post was incredibly rude and completely uncalled for. How DARE you make such assumptions about me and my relationship with my boyfriend.

 

Oh, monkjr, I apologize for mistakenly dragging you into my rage. I confused your comment about communication and not just taking away privileges without explanation with Vanilla Gorilla's unnecessary rudeness.

But you are right about communication and I assure you that I am trying very hard to communicate with him. And, so far, it seems that he might be listening now. But I will take your advice to heart and make sure I continue to communicate and not expect him to just know what I want. Thanks.

 

Maybe you can work out, get sexy, and start feeling sexy. Act sexy, dress sexy, talk sexy, and see how he reacts. If he doesn't, then no talking in the world is going to change things. You can't change an elephant into a cheetah. Believe me, I've tried.

 

Then how am I supposed to change myself? haha. Just kidding, I get what you're saying.


I have been trying to work out and what not because I've gained more weight than I care to have since I started taking birth control. I just have problems sticking to it because I already have embarrassing stretch marks. :/


But I'm gonna get serious about it. I could always get that lotion for stretch marks, right? So yeah. Good point!

 

Well dont start obsessing about body issues just cos things have slowed down, of course he isnt going to be as all over you later on like it was at the start. All rather normal.

You start stressing like that cos of all the bull everyone else feeds you, guys are all pigs, all they think about is sex blah blah, Or some of your gal friends try to tell you their boyfriend still gangbusters to make themselves feel better. Doesnt mean its all true

Dont start stressing over body issues over a bunch of stuff that doesnt exist

 

Well the main problem I have with my body issues is the fact that I don't have big boobs. But I am, slowly but surely, accepting that there isn't much I can do about it without spending a lot of money I don't have and that my boyfriend clearly doesn't care if I have big boobs because I'd know by now.

I actually do need to lose weight though because my BMI is at an unhealthy number and I just want to feel better about myself. I know I'll never be perfect. But I always complain about my weight, so I should do something about it.