Road to progress or vision of hell?

My general inability to see reality on a consistent level or on a non-elaborated twist into some dream level makes things hard. It's almost like someone retreating into their own world all the time. I'm generally not psychotic I don't think. Like I'm living in the weird world that everyone does, I just have really strange reactions almost like my brain is scrambling to make sense of the world and I see it, finishing in a weird, poorly composed, contorted but not damaged final experience.

I have received many diagnoses ranging from depression to schizophrenia, to bipolar to schizoaffective, severely generally and socially anxious, and once catatonic. I have always asserted (and friends and family agreed) that I was probably severely depressed which was compounded with drugs, antidepressants, and a really fucked up shitstorm of a relationship I could not pull myself out of. Admittedly a lot of that time is a blur. I've been in and out of psychiatric wards nine or ten times in about three years. Among others, I have been prescribed and sometimes forced to take the following, among others: lexapro, haldol, klonopin, ativan, zyprexa, valium, tegretol, lithium, thorazine, clozaril, depakote...

Anyway, finally got out of that relationship and started a therapy group for what seemed like the millionth time. Helped slightly but I just stopped going several months ago.

Now, months away from medication and groups, I'm realizing all of this and it's all hitting me.

I can't tell, looking at myself recently, if this is hopeful or not. Every day I have a new brilliant insight that's lost forever after a few hours.

I never really considered that I may actually have an extension of problems other than depression, I just don't know what to do about it- I talk in circles constantly, and fantasize regularly making it difficult to get to the actual point, although that can come.

The medications they had been consistently feeding me until several months ago made me: anxious, empty, TIRED, dull, shaky, sexually incapable of anything, and sometimes downright dysphoric. I would end up committing to several different, over different periods of time, taken as prescribed, for months... they did not get easier to tolerate.

Could they have been right? If so, is there realistically any hope about finding a stable place?

Questions welcome, feedback greatly appreciated. Or, you can share your experiences however briefly or detailed as you'd like.

Guess I wanted to "type out loud". Gah.

EDIT: I should mention that I'm set to go back to university for a third try... I had to medically withdraw late first semester both times. I should do more starting NOW to prepare myself for the fact that I need a whole new approach this time. Does anyone have any suggestions on things I could do or avoid to make this time more effective?

Drugs could probably go on hold. They are not the cause; I spent a good year of that experience perfectly sober and was still having difficulties. Considering school is coming up, though, I should take it easy.

 

hey. I think I may understand a tad of what you are going through. A lot of bad things happened to me in the past few years and I ended up inpatient and partial for about six weeks at a mental hospital. There I was diagnosed with a lot of stuff and was put on quite the cocktail of medications. That said, I didn't feel much better and I still don't see, I don't think that what they thought was wrong with me was actually wrong. They thought I had a mood disorder (later diagnosed with Bipolar 1) where I think it may be more of a personality disorder. My family wants me to be "stable" and "normal" which excuse my language, but is bullshit. I'd rather be me. The prescribed drugs make me feel pretty blank and exhausted. Not a lot of mood. I' trying to take them regularly though just to make my family happy but I really really don't want to because I'd much rather feel. I'm not depressed per-say, just not happy. I do have euphoric moments though and periods of mania. I think that no one ever gets "well" from mental health. They're either kidding themselves or on too many drugs to feel anymore. Yeah you can probably get stable and feel better, just get to a place where you like you. Do what makes you feel good and happy.

 

Hey CherokeeMist,

In a similar situation here, I self sabatogued this last semester thinking I would fail my classes and withdrew from them all. Then found out others did less work than I was. I'm starting again but nervous as hell. I also started a low dose of stimulant medication and so far it's working and giving me amazingly vivid lucid dreams. This morning I woke up still thinking, "I'm the time traveling dreamer!" lol, because I Had such happy adventerous dreams/ I've been looking more into Carl JUng to analyze common archetypes in the psyche and how they relate to my own.

 

I wonder if you have had any amalgam fillings or a root canal in your teeth or vaccines in the past couple of years? Many people suffer adverse effects from the mercury in these treatments.

Mercury does make you feel like you are going crazy. I just cannot believe they give to infants and children much less adults.

 

Do you think keeping a diary would help you analyze your thoughts with more clarity?

 

Journaling is a great idea. I'm confused as to what/whether you're taking anything right now.

Also, yes I do think there is a way for you to become balanced, and I struggle with is it important to really have a diagnosis or is it more important to just treat the issues that are causing the problems...

Have you ever had a transformational moment, journey or experience? Have you ever had a psychotherapist or some such person really touch on something that clarified your experience?

Personally during times like this(just speculating on your condition, due to your description actually), I think it can be very difficult and damaging to go into some system where you are juxtaposed against some engrained and exact culture like college, a work setting, a hospital stay...you know what I mean?

I mean if you learned something from your stays(which I'm sure you did, even if you didn't realize it yet) then you need some freedom to enact those experiences and make some decisions on what you want and need to be balanced...you will need some support to keep you grounded, but I personally think these things need to be figured out on your own, you have to have the freedom to work within your mind without many constraints for schedules and such to distract you from your internal issues.

I am just speaking to what i think I am gleaning from your descriptions though.

 

Yes the drugs are quite a nightmare. And yes, I believe most patients are chronically ill and will likely deal with future hospitalizations, how frequently depends on their level of treatment and how their lives are handled!

I am not taking any medications these days.

I used to journal but lost motivation for it, besides it was mostly fantasy and fiction writing because I see fiction in reality in general lol. I just get bored writing about reality so I feel like I have to fluff it up.

I tripped tonight. Learned two important things:

-When you look at the world, and process it and experience it, you need to *see* through your minds eye and not just "look".

-I tend to be a song on repeat. It's good sometimes, but it gets fucking OLD and stops meaning anything. Time to change the settings on this fucking radio.

I just want to stop thinking and shut up for like two minutes. Going back to a Buddhist meditation center, they have an "under 30" night on Wednesdays. I used to go to when I was 19. I'm in a much different world now than I was then...

I just want to be light and free of spirit like when I was young

I have had several therapists, one I absolutely LOVED but she left the practice and so did the next two I saw. Got tired of all these people just leaving on me so I'm done trying to create a relationship on these temp motherfuckers.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TSMaOe4QoEY"]Gillian Welch & David Rawlings - I'll Fly Away - YouTube

Had to replace it with this version, much better

 

Smoke some Cannabis Sativa to level your mind, claim yourself, realize the world is fake, and stop letting the world dictate who you are.

 

I can't help but think that's one of the most unhelpful things anyone has said to me about this.

I can come up with ideas whenever I want... I can't ask a drug to magically tell me something. Psychedelics are great for exploring an idea and how it interacts with the senses but you need a base in you before any of that can happen in a positive way.

The world has to dictate who we are on some degree, if we want to participate in society in any way. Which I do. Even if not by idea, by relate-ability and making yourself understood.

Level your mind, realize the world is fake, claim yourself... lol none of that means anything to me in any substantial way.

 

I value my uniqueness. I can also deny my wants, and live by only what I need. Most will not sacrifice their wants, because they justify them in their own mind with delusions.

Cannabis Sativa has great anti-anxiety and anti-depression properties. You might stop embracing people telling you who you are, what you are, and how you should carry yourself. Sometimes when people gain more age, they will discover through their own trial and error, what is truth, and what really makes sense. Good luck in your journey.