I had one of my dream flashbacks last night. You see when I was 16 I had a boyfriend because that was the thing to do for a teenaged girl. I liked him as a friend but he liked kissing me and all that. Anyway he wanted to have sex and I was kinda grossed out by the idea. Well eventually I guess he got tired of waiting for consent or something because one night he got drunk and raped me. He was a lot stronger then I was and I couldn't fight. It was, as you can probably imagine, the worst experience of my life. I remember running through my head that sex was supposed to feel good so maybe I could try to enjoy it. I know silly right? But I was so helpless I had to do something. Well I picked the wrong thing because it hurt so bad I felt like I was being ripped in half. I wont say I've gotten over it because I don't think that's possible, but with therapy and the support of my amazing partner (whom I met at a group counselling session. She wasn't raped but was there as a volunteer)It took me years to get to where I could be intimate with her and not freak out. I do still have the occasional night terror like last night. I had a dream were I essentially relived the experience. My therapist said I had to expect that to happen from time to time and that when it does to find someone to talk to. I hope I can trust you all with this. It does feel good to write this all down. Thankfully my partner knew what was happening and helped me out. She is so great She even knew to ask if it was ok to hold me. Once she didn't and I kicked her in the stomach on instinct. I still feel guilty about that. Anyway I'm still a bit shaky but I'm doing ok. Had to call in sick though Hope you all don't mind my posting this here. It calms me down a bit to talk about it.
Alicia - Of course nobody minds you posting about that here. My long-term partner was sexually abused when she was younger, so I know exactly what your partner must be going through. It's tough, hun - but it's not your fault. Never let go of that thought. Big hug. Becky
Thanks BeachBall. Give your partner a hug from me . I went through the blaming myself phase for a while but I am over that. it's been 10 years and still there are days when I look at myself in the mirror and have trouble meeting my own gaze, and I have to tell my friends to never sneak up on me, and a surprise party would likely send me into a panic attack. I have to admit I wouldn't have met her if it didn't happen. I don't know if it is divine karma or something. Maybe everything does happen for a reason.
Ten years, huh? With K it's getting on for 40 ... and 30 (two separate series of incidents ... ) and I still have to avoid doing anything that might make her feel trapped. It's never going to be easy for you, hun ... but you're doing all the right things. Any time you want to chat, just PM me OK? Big hug. Becky
yeah it does get easier to live with but it never goes away completely and I cant imagine what going through it twice must be like. Im sorry to hear that
It's because you've still got guest status, Alicia. Give it a couple more days, and you should be able to PM.
I had another one of these last night but this time it's my fault. I made the mistake of trying to watch Game of Thrones. I made it to the part where Daenerys is raped by the man she is forced to marry. I hyperventilated and was back in my own rape for a few moments. I really wish shows like this would stop tossing rape around like it was a neat little plot element. People who have actually been raped can easily be traumatized by this and it's very offensive.
