Is he cheating or am I being Paranoid?

I would say yes he is cheating, but even if he's not he's definitely manipulating you. If you were fine before the relationship and now you feel dependent on him, and you are putting up with what you're putting up with...you have fallen for someone who only knows how to be in abusive relationships...hopefully you are not the same.

Get out quick. As soon as you can. Look at the signs of emotionally abusive relationships and keep looking at that information until you get the courage to get on with your life. You will learn to be on your own again. It's like riding a bike, as soon as you leave you will start learning to again.

Of course I don't know anything for sure, but talking to him about it is not necessarily going to get you anywhere and needing to know is not as important as needing to know you're being mistreated and that you deserve better.

Also, some of the signs you mentioned while they seem kinda subtle and general, and of course some of them benign, some of them rang out loud and clear to me...I have been there before.

Strangely, especially the music thing.

ETA: Just a link to get you started...do any of these signs look familiar: http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=454294&f=65

 

Either that or he's not into you anymore.

 

You're not happy now. You were happy by yourself. And you're afraid of being alone again, even though you'll probably be happier?

I've been in a dependent, verbally abusive relationship before. Leaving that will not be the same as leaving a happy relationship. You won't cry for months and miss the good times. You'll be depressed and lonely for maybe a week and then you'll remember the bad times and you'll rediscover your own interests and your own friends.

The hardest part will be actually ending it. After that your life will only get better.

 

God Damn it! There are likely 30 men within 4 blocks of you that wouldn't insult you, who are just as fucking miserable and insecure as you are, and they're probably really nice fucking guys, who would love to have just one chance to be with you. Go find one, they're not hard to spot - just pick the guy who isn't a loud, arrogant, drunken prick - you know the guy that you pass on the street who commands about as much attention as a lamp post? That's him. He won't cheat on you because he WANTS to be with you. Treat him the same way you'd like to be treated and he'll always WANT to be with you. Here's another hint: He doesn't live in a fucking pub.

 

Thanks for all the good advice everybody its just easier said than done

 

Thank you ill look at them and hopefully ill be able eventually to break up with him. I don't think I am the same i've been in ok relationships before even though they were brief.
I just want to know for sure if he is cheating but I think he is way too clever to ever let himself get caught out. I saw him yesterday and today and he still seems different no I love you's or anything and when we were going to sleep at night it seemed like he was breathing intentionally loud so that he could sleep without cuddling with me and he used to love cuddling with me and falling asleep.
I literally have no one else though and as bad as he is there is a lot of good things about him too.

 

Its really hard and maybe I could do it if I had some friends or some sort of support but I don't and I don't want to be alone.

I know but im really shy and find it hard to meet people.

 

I agree that it is difficult Alva and I did not mean to invalidate that experience for you.

If you don't have people in person who can help you, reach out to people online. When I left my relationship I really had no in person friends to help me. Do you have any family or old friends? I would imagine that even if you haven't kept in touch if you tell someone your situation you will be able to get some help. My ex's family ended up helping me a bit.

In the meantime, use this time to build up some support and to give yourself new stories and goals and build up confidence in yourself.

Good luck.

 

I apologize if what I'm about to say comes off as being a bit harsh, but my intention is not to attack, so bear with me...

I don't think whether or not he's cheating is even what you should be worried about in your case. Your relationship is obviously not functioning in a healthy manner. Yes, I'd say you're becoming a tad paranoid about the whole thing. You're just speculating and not confronting the problem head-on. We have no way of knowing if he's cheating or not. I for one don't even live in Ireland, and I'm no psychic.

You already know what you need. Your current boyfriend might be a really nice guy, again, we don't know what he's like just from reading your posts. There's always three sides to every story: yours, his, and the actual fact. Anyway my point is, you already know you were happier without him. You are aware that depending on your boyfriend so much isn't a healthy thing to do. It's a matter of what kind of decision you make at this point. Which ever way you go, there will always be risks. That's life. So if you want to be happy again, you really have no choice but to either break up with him and find a way to be happy, or stay with him and somehow find a way to be happy. Either way it's going to be a hard decision for you to make, and you have to be fully responsible for your own decisions.

I personally think you two just aren't compatible with each other, and thus this problem has arisen. I feel it might be due to some sort of flaw in the way you two communicate with each other. Why not sit down with him and have a discussion about your relationship, where it's headed, where you'd like for it to be headed, where he wants it... You get the picture. And if he says he's cheating on you with someone, then you get your wish. If not, then you'd still accomplish something. What it is, is for you to find out.

All the best.

 

I sympathize. I'm in a very good loving relationship and I'm still hopelessly codependent on her. I can't imagine life any other way. Even when I imagine my past, it's like somehow she's just always been there.
Even in my situation, where it should be and is kinda wonderful, it's also terribly scary.

But there are problems in your relationship. And all the teasing you are getting is rather typical of this website (to disagree with the OP no matter what); but some of your points are very valid.
Changes in behavior is the number one tell of a cheater (particularly of male cheaters, who are worse at covering their tracks).

While things like music and changes in humor may be frivolous; some of his behavior really isn't befitting of a person in a long term relationship.

The question is; do you really want to know? Are you really ready to hear? You already have your suspicions; all that you can do at this point is play with your own head, or act on those suspicions.

If you want to know; you have to ask. Maybe not if he's cheating, at least, not at first. But you definitely have to ask him what the fuck is going on. All you are doing now is torturing yourself. Stop hesitating and tear off the band-aid already.

 

I confronted him this weeked he was sexting a girl on facebook up until December last year and we have been going out since last August I dont believe that he has stopped doing it either he probably does much worse but I forgave him pretty much straight away anyway I wish I didn't and wish I just left then.

I asked him why he stopped sexting around December and he said because we were going out for longer I had to laugh at that so the longer we are together the more faithful he'll become he is such a dumbass. He barely even apologised for it though I was the one saying sorry.

I asked him if he cheated he said he never did but he never looked at me as he was saying it so I dont believe him. I still think there is more to it and I know he has someone in his apartment but he wont tell me he just denied everything. We were talking about our relationship and whether we should stay together it was like talking to a wall I asked if he knew what he wanted and he said "I want what you want".

I think he wants to stay friends because he has something casual going with someone else he doesnt really have friends either and when I said I don't think i could stay friends with him if we broke up he then said he wanted me to continue being his girlfriend.

 

Im trying to think of someone to help support me but I cant think of anyone but ill try. Thanks for the advice.

I know he lies about things though so there isn't any point confronting him about it most of the time unless I have evidence. I wish I could know the fact I don't want to stay with him after finding out the facebook sexting I just want to go back to the time before I met him when I was happy by myself I had no friends but I didn't need them and now I feel like I do need one so I can't let him go.

I dont want to stay friends with him after all this either I just want to forget he exists. We aren't compatible at all really and I tried to have that discussion with him at the weekend but he is liked a closed book.

He won't tell me anything I asked him what he wanted to do and he said I want what you want to me it seems pretty clear that he wants to break up but he just wont do it. He must have something casual going on with someone.

I know I was fine by myself before I cant imagine myself without him now. I definitely want to know because if he was cheating I know i would definitely find a way to break up and move on.

I asked if he cheated and he said no but he could easily have lied he barely even looked at me when he said no. He went out saturday night he is always very sketcy on the details all he told me was what he had to drink and thats it. He called me when he came home though and kept telling me over and over about how I deserve better.

 

I would say stop trying to change him. its not possible. if hes acting strange or something..
he wont change its just the way he is. thinking too much could drive you paranoid..
just chill tell him you want some time on your own..if hes not for you better look around..

 

I don't see in any way that she is trying to change him.

What I would say is that if someone accused me of cheating and I was not cheating it would not be a casual "no"...I would make sure it was known for sure and that my partner 100% was sure and felt confident that I was telling the truth.

Again, the cheating is the least of your worries, but I understand how that will help you to have more initiative and motivation to leave. Which is sad in a way... you should leave because you are not being respected in this relationship.

Anyway, I don't think he wants to end the relationship, he wants to have you there, he is just as dependent on you as you are on him. He knows how to play the game and he is not going to be completely honest. He is trying to protect himself, you are an authority figure in his life, by confronting him, he doesn't want to get in trouble. Basically he's scared.

You are not obligated to keep forgiving him just because you did in that moment. Again, there is not much more I can tell you, but I seriously, seriously sense some emotional/psychological abuse is at the root of this relationship. I would seriously study the websites, ask for advice on boards related to detecting and leaving these types of situations and find your way to disconnect emotionally...that will be the key to physically leaving, you have to break the emotional chains first.

Good luck.

 

You are not obligated to keep forgiving him just because you did in that moment. Again, there is not much more I can tell you, but I seriously, seriously sense some emotional/psychological abuse is at the root of this relationship. I would seriously study the websites, ask for advice on boards related to detecting and leaving these types of situations and find your way to disconnect emotionally...that will be the key to physically leaving, you have to break the emotional chains first.
exactly what i meant:2thumbsup:

Best of luck. hope all works out for the two of you..

 

It would be better just to end it with him. You say he's your only friend, but you don't need to waste time being treated like that. Stand up for yourself, tell him he's a dick, and move on. You will find other friends, and other partners.

 

That is enough of an excuse to just dump him on his ass. Seriously, just leave him.

 

This in bold...is a classic sign of an unbalanced relationship. This happened to me as well. When my ex told me he had cheated on me, it was my fault for being upset with him about it. He never admitted that anything was wrong with what he did, only that something was wrong with me being upset about it. I was the one apologizing and he was the victim. This is some seriously twisted, psychologically sneaky mind games.

 

With all due respect to a fellow human being--you sound very weak and I suspect it has to do with your childhood and how you were treated in the household in which you grew up. As some have said,it doesn't matter whether he's cheating or not--he may as well be, considering the damage you are allowing him to do to you. Your main problem is accepting disrespectfull behaviour that you must feel you deserve, from someone who is just prick enough to upset your thought processes to the extent you've let him.
Frankly,I don't care about that guy--he's shown he's not much. But you must at some point in your life conquer your irrational (and it is) fear of being without someone to glom onto and become 'your own person'. Fear is to be beaten down and stomped the shit out of!! You're never going to get much respect being so insecure.

This counts even if I'm talking to a 12 year old. Take on the chore of learning to be you. You won't regret it.

 

you're right it should be the least of my worries. yeah i think you are spot on with everything you said. Thank you.

Its really not that easy for me to make friends but I should just end it with him I know.

We nearly broke up tonight I told him I think I deserved better and now i'm telling him he deserves better I don't why I can't just stay away.

He lies to me so easily he met up with a girl last september just as friends but didn't tell me and he admitted it tonight even though he told me a few weeks ago when he was drunk I had evidence of it and he told but he forgot all about this and told me tonight as if he is deciding to be open and honest with me now. Months and months before this he was adamant that he had never met up with anyone behind my back.

He also said tonight that he would never cheat on me and I said ok I think I believe and then he said do you really believe deep down it just reminded me of the situation with the girl he met and how easily he could be lying about this too because he would know for certain I would break up with him then. I think he tries hard to make me believe his lies there is just one thing after another.

I don't think I deserve it but I'm willing to accept it if he stays with me. I dont think I had a bad childhood though I found it hard to express myself though and I still do. I used to be independent and I hate feeling like I need him I miss just depending on myself.