Okay, I ma just be a 17 year old whiny girl, but I've got a lot of shit I need to... well, rant about. It just needs to get off of my chest before I explode emotionally on those I care about... I need someone to listen. I had a best friend at a school I knew no one at my freshman year. Last December (I'm 17 now so we've been friends a few years), this "friend" became homeless with no one to take her in. No one wanted her in their house. I talked my parents into letting her stay a few days until she was able to find a stable place or at least a job. This girl is almost 20 now. She stayed up until around February I believe, without paying. Sometimes she'd buy me and my parents food with her food-stamps so she wouldn't feel too much like a leech. She never found a job and was hanging around with guys and being extremely promiscuous. She has a list in her phone (which her non-commited-boyfriends-at-the-time pay for) of 22 guys she has had sex with. She's only been doing it since she was 18. So, 22 guys in 2 years. And that's only been since the last time I saw her, in February. We'd all put up with her and called it a transitional thing. Finally my parents got fed up and my mom helped her sign up for our local college, which she accepted, and got financial aid for all tuition. I think the final straw with me was when I found out she's been waiting until we all left the house to fuck her guy friends in my house. I didn't say anything at first, I wanted still to help at all costs, but then she told me she was lying to EVERYONE about being pregnant with her ex's baby in order to win him back. I asked if her current fuck buddy knew and she said no, he thought she was pregnant too. She promised she'd tell the guy she was fucking that she was lying, but she never did. She left in the middle of the night and I haven't heard of her since. Recently I've been reconnecting with an old friend who still talks to this girl, and I asked him how she was. We wanted to go by and see her but her response to my friend was, "dont tell her where i live". ...What the actual fuck? I'm 3 years younger and I haven't gotten pregnant or lied about being so, I haven't dropped out of high school and college after my parents paid for a lot of up front fees, I didn't get caught smoking weed in public, I didn't get chlamydia, or herpes, and I've been with my boyfriend for around one year now (one year on Sep. 10th). Does she think she's better than me now? What did I do wrong...? Was it giving her food and shelter? Or setting her up for college? Or maybe holding her when she cried or covered for her on nights where she got smashed and fucked everyone? The worst part, I think, is that I think it's my fault. I have no friends anymore. I've slowly been losing my best friend ever since I changed high schools, and we recently stopped even trying to talk to each other. I don't talk to anyone and when I do, if I even start with my opinion, I'm nothing anymore. I've only been able to keep my boyfriend because we both actually connect; as well as neither of us have friends. This brought up so many intense feelings of abandonment, depression, anger, anxiety, hatred, and self-loathing I've had for several years now. I've been bullied for years now, ever since I was little I was the ugly girl, or the chubby girl. No one liked me, ever. It didn't affect me until 7th grade, and ever since I've had extreme depression that was only caught after my dad was arrested and I was pulled out of school and isolated (I literally never went to 7th grade, which fucked up my schooling as well) in my sister's house, alone everyday with nothing but a phone which my parents shut off in the midst of their separation. I was alone every day, with one book and a dead phone and a tv. I had no parents truly that year because the police were always listening to our phone calls, and eventually my parents just stopped calling me. The result was me trying to hang myself in a closet, which I ended up just passing out and the tie wasn't knotted well so I was on the floor. My sister found me and by this time, it was eighth grade. They sent me back to school and everyone knew me because of the news, which made my depression grow worse. I was diagnosed in 8th grade with severe depression and was put in counciling and required to take meds. I stopped going to the counselour because apparently my mother was called in for a talk with her, and my counselour told my mother I was lying and told her everything I'd said about my life. My mom confirmed that everything I said was true, and my counselor had her license revoked. The meds were put higher and higher in doses, and the type changed all of the time until 10th grade, when I was diagnosed with a growing case of depression and a strong case of bi-polar mania, and extreme anxiety as well and insomnia and body dysmorphic disorder. I was put on meds that were stronger and supposed to be fail proof, but the self harming increased as well as worthlessness. I stopped doing anything. I never showered, I slept 16+ hours a day without even trying, and cried when I wasn't. I started having out of body experiences while having panic attacks. I was promiscuous during school time only to feel wanted, but I never actually did anything. I felt and I still feel now that I'm worthless and have nothing to really give the world. Even lately I think it's gotten worse in my head... Since I'm a senior this year, the pressure is on to find a place and get on with my life. I know I want to be a hairdresser and follow that dream. I've even picked a promising school. The issue is both my parents and my boyfriend. Every day, I'm getting barked at by my parents (who give my cell number out to schools) on what I want to do. I know what I want to do, but it took them 3 years before they accepted it- and they only accepted that because my sister (22) talked to them. The only thing is that my boyfriend has no idea what he wants to do and thinks going to a community college for his first two years while I get my license will bring down his credibility and won't listen to anyone about transferring credits, and since he doesn't know what career he wants yet he doesn't know which 4-year college to choose, or if he wants a career that requires more school. I'm getting yelled at my my parents because my boyfriend doesn't know yet. I don't mind that he doesn't know, but I have to have all of my scholarship applications in by November, so I feel extremely pressured. My parents feel the need to bash the school of my choice (which they showed to me in the first place) and call my career choice unrealistic, still to this day, and it's getting sickening. I came home crying one day and my mom started yelling at me about my career choice, with absolutely no proposition at all. It seems like everyone else is controlling my options- I get to choose to be a hairdresser, but my boyfriend chooses the city (because of his college choice) and therefore my school, and if my parents don't like the school, they refuse to help pay for rent to get me started (which they did for my 4 brothers and my high-school dropout sister), who only one even went to college. I feel as if I'm just getting taken, and I have no control over anything in life anymore... Btw, sorry this is so long... If you're still reading, thank you... I feel like no one cares what happens to me anymore. I could die tomorrow and everyone would be happy because they were able to use me in some way while I was usable. I love my boyfriend to no end and he has saved my life quite literally on a few occasions, but sometimes (like when we argue) it's hard to believe that he loves me or that anyone could love me for that fact, because I hate myself and I can't give anything to anyone or anything. I'm good for being used and taken advantage of. I'm so scared to even talk to people in fear of being hurt and I get anxiety from even the simplist of conversations in the public.Everything has gotten so much worse and has never really gotten better... It's a vicious downward cycle that I can definitely point out but I have no power to stop. I'm getting sucked in to wanting to just try and end my life again... and I can't fix it. What did I do to deserve these feelings and situations? I literally cry every fucking night before I sleep, I have nightmares half of the time, I feel jealous because of how much I hate myself in every situation, and I cover up everything to everyone now besides my boyfriend... What happened to me... and why do I just want to die more each passing day?
Life's a bitch. Looks like you are worrying too much. Parents can be pain in the ass. They have their vision of what you should do, but this is your life and you decide, not them. Seems that she wasn't a 'friend'. You have to let some things go, and proceed with your life. You have boyfriend which loves you. Stick to him. Focus on how to choose your schools and don't worry about other stuff. --- Give people some time, it is forum, they will eventually come home, read and reply.
No you are not. You are a wonderful, sensitive, sweet, and loving person, and there is nothing wrong with that. I'm glad your parents helped her, mine would have not. I bet she feels the same about herself, as you do about yourself. When people have problems, most often they're ashamed and don't want to hurt the one's that they love. As messed up as it sounds, she probably was afraid of hurting someone. When people are afraid of hurting others, sometimes they lie. I am not saying it's right, just trying to get you to understand the other side. She probably is afraid of hurting you. Sweetie, you did nothing wrong. You did everything right. You cannot bash yourself for giving your love to another. When we grow up we lose a lot of our friends. In my and my wife's case, we lost every friend we knew. You make new friends as time goes on, and after awhile, sometimes you just don't want friends. Never blame yourself, I kind sense in your words that you're a beautiful person, with a huge sweet heart. I was tormented from kindergarten until my freshman year. Beat up, scratched, stabbed, spit on, gum in hair, ridiculed, and so many other harsh things I don't want to remember. No one liked me, because I was extremely different. The meds are a scam. Never take them! My parents forced me to take Lithium and Prozac, it fucked me up! I have not taken them in 13 years and I am perfectly fine. Sativa Marijuana is your friend, because it will release all tension and anxiety. I tried killing myself several times before, and I am thankful I failed. Even though my entire life has been rough and unbearable at points, if I would have succeeded in killing myself, I would have denied my now wife (who loves me, more than she does god), and what little bit of family I have left. You will learn with age that there is a world system. This world system is also a scam. People are slaves to this world system, because their minds are so easily persuaded into believing lies. Your family, friends, and partner will always try to make you do what they think is right. You need to do what YOU think is right, and don't listen to everyone else. Learn from your own mistakes, become wiser, and learn to trust your own judgement. Parents get frustrated and can lose their cool. They just want to see you do well, and most of the time will overlook what you think, and how you feel. You need to realize who YOU are. Stop letting the WORLD dictate who YOU are. The world will run you over and murder your true self. Even though I don't know you, I care. I love almost everyone, and it pains me not knowing if you're okay or not. Please tell me you're okay. Remember, people who use you are always wanting something. Sex or stuff. My wife said the same thing when we first got together. She never understood how someone like me could love an overweight woman with missing teeth. I said to her that it was not what I see on the outside, it was the beauty I seen on the inside. I love her for who she is, not what she looks like. People are stupid and say that looks and personality are important, and that's BS. If you love someone, they will always be sexy to you no matter what they look like on the outside. It's not worth it. I can tell something beautiful lays inside of you, you must find it and share it with the world. You did nothing. You need to realize who you are, and stop letting the world run over you. It's because you let SICK SICK SICK STUPID people discourage you. Please trust me, and not be discouraged. Claim yourself! Please tell me you're okay. If you need someone to talk to, I or my wife would love to talk to you. Just PM me your phone number. You are loved.
I am going to be rough here but you have to give up what others want or claim they need of want or need of you. You have to do what is needed of your self, dump the unneeded weight from your shoulders. Also be safe, do not hurt oneself.:grouphug:
