Last night when I got home from work there was a message from my mom on the telephone. My family disowned me when I told them about my engagement to my partner 5 years ago. I always send them cards for birthdays and christmas but never got responses. This is literally the first time I have heard from any of them since I told them I was getting married. She said she wants to talk to me. What should I do? I really owe them nothing at this point. They abandoned me because of who I fell in love with. It was a wonderful wedding but when I looked at the seats where my family was supposed to sit and only saw friends there it really hurt and marred the ceremony. I cried on the night of my honeymoon because of that. They were there for me when I was raped, but they had no love for me when I found happiness. Why should I care that my mom wants to talk now?
There your parents family. My dad doesn’t talk to his parents has not in over 3 years it’s sad, this has nothing to do with being gay It’s the fact that life is too short. I don’t think my dad will ever get the chance to make things right with his parents. He has that option he just choose not to talk to them, it doesn’t matter who is right or wrong. They are your parents life is too short not to talk to your family I would give anything for my dad and my grandparents to make up and talk to each other. Just like my aunt she doesn’t talk to her son my cousin has not in years when they do talk it’s only threw emails and it isn’t pleasant. I know your hurt they didn’t come to your wedding. I say just talk to her and see where it goes. Maybe this could be a new start
I would give her the benefit of the doubt and talk to her. If they can make good by you, you might as well give them the opportunity. Explain your case, exactly as you explain it here. It may not happen over night, but you were obviously hurt by them not being at your wedding, so why not hear what they have to say? Sometimes, you have to remember that life is short...and forgiving is one of the greatest gifts people can give and receive. Even if she isn't looking for forgiveness and she has to tell you some kind of family news, its a start.
You should listen what she has to say, whatever happens you can always go back to how it was if you want her out of your life again I guess
I am still not entirely sure what is going on but I called her and we set up a meeting for next week at my folks house. I made it quite clear that my partner was coming with me. If they want me back they have to take her with me. We are a package deal and that isn't up for negotiation. I'll let you all know what happens.
Sounds like you're doing all the right things so far, Alicia. Best of luck, and keep us posted hun. Big hug from me.
Yes, give your mom a chance. I hope that you can come to some kind of accord. I the long run you will have a happier life if everyone can heal the damage. Forgiveness is the key. It's one of life's big lessons. I wish you luck.
Ok this is a bit complicated and long but there is a question at the end I'd really like some opinions on if you all could take a look. My family is southern baptist which is one of the reasons why my folks took it so well when I told them I wanted to spend my life with another woman. Apparently my mom never wanted to kick me out but she had to obey my dad. She had wanted to call me all those years but never had the courage. What prompted her to was apparently their church got a new minister who was, to put it in my moms words, batshit crazy. apparently he was telling them, and the others who had similar circumstances, that disowning us wasn't enough, they needed to actively make sure our lives were miserable until we realized how evil we were and went back to god. Even my dad thought this was too far and after about half a year of this my mom threatened to leave my dad if they didn't quit the church. Being away from the church for a few months allowed my mom to build up the courage to call me. So we met and talked, my mom asked me if I was sure that I was gay. I responded by telling her that I had been with my partner for 10 years, and married for 5 and that we have been intimate more times then I can count. If I wasn't gay I think I would have figured it out by now. So after an embarrassing silence for a few moments we hugged and cried and all that. My dad talked only a little bit to ask how I was doing. I know it's harder for him. He wants to get over hating us but he was always a stubborn old man so it will take some time. They want to spend time with my partner with me not around. My mom said it would be a good way to learn about the woman who has made me so happy this past decade. Not sure if that's a good idea or not. Any suggestions?
One thing I can tell you about parents is that do not live forever. If you still harbor hurtful feelings toward them, you need to forgive them for your own peace. Forgiving does not mean that you accept their actions and words but that you are letting that go for you. As for spending time alone with your partner what does she think? They should be able to get to know her while you are around. I do not really have any suggestions about that.
I'm so glad you updated us! Let me start by saying that you are a very lucky woman to have your parents realize this...a lot of parents that belong to the church like Southern Baptist would NEVER do what your parents did. I'm glad they realized that the new minister is crazy and WRONG to be sending that message out to people of the church...that is a big step on your parents part and I hope you realize that. You may not forgive them right away, but I think over time you will learn to. This is going to be just as hard on them as it is on you. You have to realize just what those churches do to people and their thought processes. They warp peoples sense of reality to believe there is only ONE way to live. I would let your wife go and spend an afternoon with them. Let them talk and go out to lunch. Just make sure your wife remains open minded. Like I said, your parents are taking a big leap here.
Thanks for the update. It sounds like the meeting went well. I really hope you can reconcile with your parents. Be patient with them. You are doing the right thing here. And yes I agree that your wife should have get together with your folks if she has a good attitude about it. How are her parents in terms of your marriage? I'm hoping the best for you all! Keep us informed, we are rooting for you!
my partner is still friendly with her family. They are thankfully open minded people. If not for them we wouldn't have been able to live on our own the way we have these past few years. They gave us the support, both emotionally and financially, to get started and where always there to help. Her mother even helped me pick out my wedding dress a few days before I married her daughter. My partner is fiercely protective of me and I worry she might get in a serious fight with my parents if they say the wrong thing to her. She seems open to the idea of meeting them but I think she is even more resentful then I am for how they treated me.
Alicia - I think that you all need to take this by easy stages. Tell your parents that they ought to meet her together with you first, and that if, after that meeting, they want to invite her to come meet them without you, then it will be up to her to decide whether or not she wants to accept that invitation. But to expect her to go alone, for the first time, to meet the people who have caused so much hurt to the woman she loves? I think that's asking a bit much, don't you? It may be what they WANT to do ... and in teh long term it may be a good thing for them to get to know her as a person, by herself. But first time up ... well, she's gonna need you there to support her, meeting them for the first time, and to give her a lead in how to relate to them, right? Moreover, if you explain it that way to your parents, they ought to understand it (well, maybe leave out the bit about them hurting you ... ) Big hug, Becky
it was my mom's suggestion. I think I can trust my mom to be one on one with her but I think it would probably be better for me to be there at least in the background. I am going to try to work that out or something similar
Well this could have gone better. We eventually decided to just spend the day together talking and stuff. Mom was fine the whole time I think she actually got on quite well with my partner. My dad barely said a word all day and finally at the end I overheard him say "I can't be friends with the woman who is damning my daughter." He doesn't know I heard that. We left and I cried all the way home. So I got my mom back but not my dad. Doesn't feel right without both of them. On the up side I had some of the most earthshaking sex that night with my partner. She is so soft when I'm upset it just drives all the pain away really fast
Awwwww ... sorry to hear it could've gone better. But then again, it could've gone worse, too. You hang in there and give it time. It took my partner's dad a very long time to get around to accepting me ... but he did in the end.
well just to update. My mom wants to meet my partner's parents so we arrange a gathering on christmas eve. My dad of course has to work that day (yeah right) but this is a step I think that will help us. My partner's parents have been nothing but supportive of us, so I hope seeing them will help my mom finish coming around. I just wish my dad would try
