Lesbians, infidelity, and grudges...help please!

Okay,

So my girlfriend is putting me through hell and I need advice from an unbiased outside perspective.

Last year (yes, a year ago) on our first year anniversary I was fired from my job. It killed me and fucked me over financially. I shot quickly into a helpless depression and turned to her for help and for whatever reason unbeknownst to anyone, she randomly got depressed too and couldn't be there for me. She never told me why...she just died inside and I needed someone, so if I couldn't have her be my rock I turned to my friends. Unfortunately, I moved to MD for grad school in 2010 so my closest friends were an hour and a half away in DC. But, that's who I needed. So between job hunting and trying to figure out my school shit, I spent most of my time with them. My girlfriend, mind you, decided to stop driving her SUV because the transmission was going to go out "soon" and it wouldn't be sellable if it couldn't be driven. This was her choice and her logic...it was still drivable. So she stayed at her miserable parents house while I spent my time healing with my friends.

During this time, any chance we got to talk was a fight and I was accused if cheating every time. I've never cheated on anyone ever...and it was seriously taking a toll. I was being harassed and treated like a lying cheating whore for weeks, and all I was doing was visiting my friends, crying a lot, and dancing with gay men. I'm an extrovert. When I'm upset I need to distract and be social and let it out. That's how I heal from crap. And with all the wonderful treatment I was getting from her, I didn't want to go home. I tried a few times to go our with her, but she would ruin the night by getting drunk and accusing me of cheating.

So, one night, I got so angry I ended the relationship over the phone after being compared to her ex who had pregnancy tests in her purse...I went after the one girl in the group of my female and male mixed that I saw on occasion and tried with everything in me to go home with her that night. But i just couldnt do it. I couldnt sleep with her no matter how badly i wanted to out if sheer anger. So my only next best option? I started sending her nudie text messages. Sad part? They were a collection of photos I had taken to send to my girlfriend but then she hurt my feelings and called me a cheating whore so I never sent them. In my angry hurt drunken state I figured this random girl who wanted me deserved them more. I was staying at a friends house by that point and they took my phone and keys away so I couldn't do more damage but my damage had already begun.

Clearly the breakup wasn't real and I continued the verbal abuse from her. But as a counter attack I decided to lead this other girl on and send her photos go on dates and hang out a few times and basically used her for some distraction and free meals and self-righteousness. If I was going to be treated like a cheater, I might as well reap some of the benefits. I couldn't sleep with her because frankly I didn't fucking want to...

Now, this was the mindset of a clearly fucked up person. I was so hurt and so destroyed and so lost by the end of it all, I was a mess. My best friends tried to sway me from even thinking about any of it and when they did I shut them down and out and lied to all of them do no one knew what I was up to. This went on for about a month, and I finally realized I needed to get my shit together, fight for my relationship or get the fuck out of it, and I cut the girl off. I put all my focus on trying to make "us" work again, but it felt extremely one-sided.

Then, my world fell apart. A month later, I had my birthday, and in that very same day I was attacked by my girlfriend for posting a birthday photo on my own Facebook that was too revealing and compared to a crackwhore stripper and then my grandmother died. My girlfriend never apologized, and that was that. But I barely had 2 weeks to process the death of my grandmother because the next weekend, the girl I lead on decided to retaliate after she saw my girlfriend and I together at a club and found her on Facebook and sent her every photo I had ever sent her with descriptions out of context an embellished story including sex that we very much never had. I told the girl my sexual fantasies and she copied and pasted them claiming that we did them, for example.

So, that was beyond words even.

Now, to shorten the story some:

It's been 9 months since everything came to light

I do feel what I did was wrong, and a category of infidelity but not "cheating", and my girlfriend considers it no different than fucking someone else or falling in love with someone else...she thinks "cheating is cheating, no matter the degree"

She agreed to give me a 2nd chance to prove my love because we are fucking amazing for each other and we love each other so much

Her grandmother (the woman who raised her) got sick in march) and died in may. Worst thing to happen to her ever.

I've been driving her to and from work every day, financially supporting a lot of things, emotionally supporting her and her family (even if they don't support us as a lesbian couple) through the death, starting a new grad school, and moving into our new apartment. It's been a rough time.

During the past many months we've had many a fight that have resulted in her using my bad decisions from last year as a weapon against me to win an argument that most if the time have zero to do with it in the first place.

I cut out DC and all my friends for 9 months. I miss them. I owe them apologies too. And this Thursday I was invited by one of my best friends to hang out on a night she already had planned to stay at her parents house and I agreed and was open and honest about where when and with whom. I keep nothing from her, and I want everything to be on the table. I don't want secrets. I'm not in a bad place...I still have trust to regain and shit to prove, but I'm not hurting and trying to get away from her and needing others to fill the void she created this time. I'm just trying to see my friend. My best friend. That friendship has nothing to do with her, other than making sure she's aware that I'm not hiding that someone else could be there...it's I dunno. So she flipped out, said tell them I hope they all choke (assuming I'm hanging out with everyone she hates ever in dc all at once). She proceeded to verbally destroy me and throw my mistakes at me all over again and make this entire night about her. It's been 9 months since over seen any of my support system through all of this...because I wasn't allowed to. And apparently I'm still not. Because everyone is negatively associated with the mistake I made a year ago in dc even when they had nothing to do with it and it was a year ago!

So then...we checked in on Facebook and posted a photo and an inside joke about how we met 2 years ago and friendship is still strong. She again, took the photo and made it about her instead of recognizing that sometimes I use MY Facebook for ME and for OTHERS, and she commented on it, when I deleted the commented because it was offensive, she deleted me, her girlfriend, altogether. She then attacked me further via other social networking like blogs, but she told me hours earlier to just leave her alone and go enjoy my night in dc "like old times and let me know what it's like because ive forgotten"...
When I asked her about the Facebook and all the mean things and why she's freaking out she said she doesn't want to see anything about dc so I was deleted...I told her that the way she is acting feels like an ultimatum: me or them. And she said well you can't have your cake and eat it too.

So...here's my ultimate question:

What's the point of a second chance if it's never really given to me unconditionally? It's constantly being revoked. She will forever use my straying during that horrible time as a weapon and pull the victim card, she's never done playing victim. And now I don't think I'll ever safely be able to see my friends without a fight. So, am I undeserving of a second chance? After all that I've done, was it in vain?

 

I'm sorry to say this, as I know you love eachother deeply, but you need to break up with her! I've been in a relationship with a guy similar to your situation. He was constantly jelous of me going out with my friends, he would accuse me of cheating and he even got his friends to give me verbal abuse(I had just turned 16 so it was all a shock to me), so when I became depressed over it all, he wasn't even there for me, called me pathetic. I did love him, A LOT but i knew i couldnt live like it anymore. Breaking up with him was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but also the best. I feel free again, and heck ive even come out as a lesbian(still only 16 so I'm unsure if I'm bi or lesbian). So my advice to you, break up with her. It may hurt like hell and you may feel guilty afterwards, but you dont deserve to be treated like shit. besides, im sure there are plenty of girls lucky enough to have you out there Just please consider my advice!xx

 

We live together. Our 2 year anni is coming up. We have a lot more invested in this relationship than I ever did at 16. I wish it was as easy to break up like it was at 16. I'm 25. I'm rallying for marriage equality and worried about independent finances....

 

People who are married still manage to come out of bad relationships, even if they have kids! No matter how much you are tied down there is still a way to get out of it. I know im 16, and i know i don't know a lot about relationships, but trust me, you need to break up, she treats you like shit to put it bluntly.

 

Dude, I'm 24, listen to the 16 year old.

I've been through a tremendously similar situation as well, and it was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but breaking up with this girl was also the best decision I could have made. Quality of life has improved exponentially, and I am so, so much happier. I know it's hard to even consider, and I wouldn't listen to any of my friends if they gave me the same advice... i mean really, you've got to come to it on your own accord, so i'll lay off a little...

But really, I guess you have to ask yourself 'Who has my back in all of this?', because in all seriousness, you don't. You've got to look after yourself, and have the self respect and awareness to know where the 'enough is enough' arrives. You're future self will thank you, trust me on this.