So yeah, don't know how long ago it was.. not long.. but a bit ago I had a trip on around 25-30mg of aMT. It was a long experience, with nothing much for me to do - and although it wasn't a bad trip, it wasn't the most comfortable.. for a few reasons. 1. My parents were in the house(asleep, they've never been up after they've gone to bed... so I thought this would be ok, didn't even cross my mind that I'd be wired and would probably be wanting to do noisy things) 2. I had work the next day 3. Deep down, I didn't even want to trip. I just got myself so worked up for a trip, I thought "fuck it!" 4. Ignorance.. underestimated the drug. Basically, everything Mr. Writer had said in his reply! You wise old coot So yeah, I dosed and had the trip. Being on your own on a psychedelic empathogen is a very strange experience.. the stimulant effect makes your thoughts race, you want to talk/express and it keeps your body wanting to do things whilst the psychedelic effect just opens you up to these amazing thoughts. But within that there's across over, the psychedelic thoughts you experience on the lower doses don't seem as profound, even though you know they are, it's kinda like.. "so what?". This is where the empathogenic effects can come into play nicely, because each thought you have, even though they don't seem as profound, can be entertained and explored with honesty. Sometimes though, it just doesn't go anywhere. The body becomes bored, and before you reach the climax of the thought or concept, it vanishes to some incessent finger tapping or leg twitch. So, this trip brought up a lot of things that I'd thought were incredibly useful to me.. but in retrospect it had just completely muddled me up. I didn't know where to go, if now was all that important or should I also be focusing on then, or when? And who really was I? I'd had all the preconceptions that I was this kid, just reached his 20's and still got a lot to learn - but it doesn't matter cos it'll come, let's just get stoned and have the occasional psychedelic experience. I'm not a reckless douche, far from a saint, but I do know when to keep a lid on things. I think. Plus, I CLEARLY know so much more than half of my "superiors", cos look at them! Running around like headless chickens.. so clueless to what's really out there, you know? Lol Well, after this first trip I'd danced with the idea that I didn't want to be so spaced out all the time.. cos yeah - all that shit's still "out there", but what about all this stuff right here? I seem to be gaining all these profound psychedelic realisations, but I don't even know what I'm realising. Sure, I've "come down".. but I've only come down to the turbulence of the my mind. I've shaken it up so much that all this shit is just floating around.. I need to let it settle.. What really happened was that I swept all the shit I could have learned from under the carpet with logical reasons as to why it had turned out how it did, and never actually took the plunge and said "It turned out the way it did because you acted like an impatient child, dumbass!" So that's the start of it. I think it was 3 or 4 days ago, the same shit carried itself on. I went up to Manchester to see some friends who are currently at Uni, and they'd been planning a trip.. then last minute they decided that they might as well have it the night I arrived, and invited me to join them. They were initially after some LSD, but the contact bailed last minute so got some aMT instead. I wasn't really sure, cos of the recent stir up I'd had.. but eventually I cracked and gave into peer pressure, why not?. I've got 2 capsules left anyway. It'll be fun. So we all munched our drugs, around 60mg, and waited. The usual shit happened, mild feeling in the stomach, softeness of the edges, mild sweats and temperature fluctuations. I hadn't been above 30mg of aMT before, but my other friends had and said that it could be quite intense.. visually and physically overwhelming. Ahh, that's interesting.. aMT? I'd like to see this.. quite intrigued. So I did, don't even know how long after we'd dropped, but I was pretty wired by that point and we were all really enjoying our conversations.. talking about drugs and how we'd all started out taking them. I was a bit of a "late comer", and pretty much missed all the reckless drug use that a few of my friends had been through - especially on shitty pills and mephedrone.. eurgh. I hadn't even considered the fact that I could be reckless too, that their usage was just a phase of immature drug use that I'd missed out. I mean.. I'm fucking "20" now, all that stuffs behind me. I'm a big boy, and I've tripped balls, and I've delved into some deep psychedelic states.. Simply put.. HA fucking HA. This kicked me in my ass, a beautifully aimed punt that sent me off the edge for a good while. As if I hadn't underestimated aMT enough already.. but I'll get to that. The first few hours were really beautiful. Really, really, really amazing vibe. The visuals were so pronounced, I could see how they could get overwhelming.. but was this it? This wasn't intense.. And then I made the realisation at some point that it had all hit me. I was rushing so uncontrollably, my thoughts were racing across my mind at an unbelievable pace, I couldn't even attempt to hang on to one. As I moved, it kept pulling myself out of the trip, as everything focused on the unbelievably stimulated body high.. which literally created the illusion of relative sobriety. Then as soon as I sat back down I was engulfed in visual CHAOS. Beautiful and awe inspiring chaos, but everything is SO in your face.. INTENSE colours come out of nowhere, I kept reminding myself that there were NO actual colour changing floodlights in the room, just a red lamp in the corner.. and all these fractal geometries covering everything, very South American/Aboriginal.. patterns of fractalled lizards and strange primal archetypes just manifest themselves in a strange way. They seem somehow incomplete.. too chaotic to make any sense beyond "primal.. lizard.. things, I think. What? Wow". Very much like a circus or carnival. Carnival. An incredibly surreal carnival. So much energy, and so much sensory stimulation that you're not quite sure what to make of it.. if it's hilarious, if it's frightening, there's a joke in here somewhere.. just where is it? My friend had said that the way the higher doses come on is somewhat like a poison, this really intense body high that anchors you to reality with fluctuating body temperates, tingly skin surface, muscle and jaw tension and just these intensely consuming visuals. There's no drifting during the peak, it's just manic, stimulated, chaos. In this setting, at any rate. Probably not the best.. but I really do understand how psychedelic aMT is now, in it's own weird way. Better late than never, I guess. So things progressed, and music is completely shaping this trip. We listened to a WIDE variety, including some electronic madness( I don't even know what to call it, but I didn't like it ), some folk, funk, reggae, soul and all sorts.. it was just amazing to contemplate all of these types of music - and the artists within them. I'll come back to this later. Then I was left all to myself. Not sure if anyone was actually in the room or not, couldn't really tell beyond all the red/green/violet/blue floodlighting and intense geometries combined with racing thoughts that were too stimulated to process any of the external world into something that made even some kind of comprehendible sense.. really regretting taking this shit. Bad idea, everything is just nonsensical patterns and colours and intense rushes.. the carnival had found its joke. Now it's time to laugh, but I get the feeling I'm not allowed to join in... In that next few moments I met myself. I met the thing that I call "I", for the first time in my life.. and I was screaming at me. I can't remember what I was saying to myself, but I was not a happy chappy. At all. I remember something along the lines of "ALL YOU HAVE LEFT IS ME, WHY ARE YOU CONSTANTLY TRYING TO GET RID OF ME?!?!" And I couldn't answer it.. I was just so shocked that I could be feeling that and not even realise it.. because it was a definite feeling of mine, I could feel it.. but to have that feeling manifest itself so bluntly in such logical terms like that, I mean. Just.. wow. It really hurt. But I couldn't dwell on that yet, the aMT was still pushing me forwards. I became aware of everything in this chaotic state, I mean.. really just aware that there was so much going on in such a manic and stimulated state, but juxtaposed against these 3 things.. Organised. As a noun. There were 3 Organised's just taking it all in. Oh... riiiiight... those 3 Organised's are us.. Wow. Now I think I get it. Everything I had thought I'd known about my friends and myself, besides the recognition that I knew these people, had vanished. It was just 3 things that had introduced their facades to eachother just sitting in a room in a very inebriated state, making sense of nothing at all. "There's like.. lots of stuff that's happening right now, I don't know what's happening.. but, you know.. there's a lot of it, and stuff. Colourful stuff, with patterns on it and other stuff. And everythings just going really really fast" I've still got a pretty clear image of that moment in my head now, because it wasn't lingual. Purely pictoral, but I knew exactly what it meant. Just like.. 3 bits of connected light, kinda channeling infinite chaos into comprehendable chaos. Forming the formless into their own little forms. Absolutely fucking amazing. We're all in the exact same boat.. which I've also known for a while now, but to have it laid out so bare infront of me like this.. it's like a naked thought. No judgements. Just. Just typing this out has just cracked me open again.. this has been that experience I've craved for for so long, a really good beating. A cosmic ass kicking. Seems completely fuckin' stupid, to be honest.. completely illogical, but thank fuck for it. Anyway, shit carried on - still a long ass experience. Things calmed down though, to a world that contained some logical stuff.. and then this came on. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9n0ecVJgVc"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H9n0ecVJgVc NEVER before have I felt so grateful that all I have is myself.. the line "You can be my long lost friend" made me cry. I really can be. All the shit and stupid things I've done, and will inevitably continue to do, are nothing to worry about. They're actually pretty damn impressive for the amount of possible mayhem that's "out there" in other manifestations of the universe.. give yourself a pat on the back, cos you can still derive some sort of meaning from it.. that's an incredible feat in itself, let alone being able to react to it. We are all the most insane... things? I sat there, coming down from complete and utter confusion, just watching and re-learning everything.. stuff was beginning to form things, things began forming names. I remembered their purposes, all still a little foreign though.. but even though I didn't understand why all this pointless crap was there, I was so relieved that it was. "At least it seems to have form, and that's all it needs to do. It doesn't need to be a "cup", it can be a cylinder with a bottom, or a cylinder with a top. A form that can be used in any way to help me in any way I find I need help with. Actually, it's pretty similar in respect to myself.. even though it's pointless, it helps me get on with things. Really nifty little tool actually.. how do I wanna use it though? Well.. it can do things better than other things, and it certainly has preferences, unlike that cup.. I don't know WHY it has preferences, but that doesn't matter. It just is.. And then the music suddenly started to make a lot more sense.. it wasn't just this background noise. It was a message from someone in the exact same boat that I was in, just on a different level, experiencing what I was experiencing in a different way. The lyrics weren't just words, they still aren't. That's all they've ever been to me, just words to a song. I've always been much more interested in the musicality behind it all.. but now I can see and relate to everything they say, we're all on the same journey.. to find love, but not the typical lovey dovey shite I'd previously thought that to mean, even though that's just another way to get "there".. I mean the sense of Meaning, or Purpose, which can be found anywhere. Now I understand why we have preferences, or at least why we should follow them and show them as much love as possible.. because they're a way for us to channel our love from within the self.. to get all of that on the outside so it can all come flooding in. The preferences are just a starting point though, the more love you give.. the more you receive, the more you can see how everything permeates everything else, no matter how strange or illogical things may be. It's like watering a plant. It'll just grow and grow and grow if you feed it and nurture it.. and eventually it will envelope everything, whilst everything else gives it the grounding and support to grow. So.. yeah.. still don't know where I stand in life, which is a surprisingly awesome feeling. But I know where I DON'T stand, and that's really comforting.. and that's my structure and support, so I can keep growing, as opposed to pushing against nothing. I've also come to the conclusion that I was wrong about how psychedelics are limiting, I mean.. they can be.. but that's not the drugs fault. Looking back at my past trips, I can now see how they can mean so much more.. Just like everything else in life, it comes down to how much you give. So, I do look forward to more experiences in the future, but I'd still like to give myself a break.. a little longer than the one I supposedly suggested last time Peace :2thumbsup:
Damn Son... There is a whole lot of good in that, a lot of wow, sprinkled with some whoa. I might have to reread that before elaborating. Well done. :sunny:
Why thank you It was a bit of a leap of faith for me to post this, I really didn't want to admit a lot of it.. but I figured I'm probably not the only one in this position - psychedelics are a real mind fuck so hopefully someone other than me can get something out of this. I know I've got a lot out of every post on this forum, without even realising it. It's amazingly wonderful how things work themselves out. I now realise I probably should have waited an extra few years before I touched psychedelics.. it's a lot to deal with along with all those extra hormones and shit flying around, but, you know.. I didn't It's just amazing, I've read so many other reports since this experience and every single one of them seems to echo the exact same thing.. we just wanna keep pushing for something. Given me a new look on things I don't agree with.. I still don't agree with any of the shit in the world, but I can see why the negatives exist.. People just do what they do, playing out the role they've been given. But a lot of people don't trust themselves, so they look to someone else.. but they probably don't trust themselves either.. and the society just ends up being built on nothing but nostalgia. But within all of that, there are those people that give us all support.. person to person, there's that intuitive feeling you get that they "know", and can't help but bask in their glorious presence. I know a few people like that.. and I knew they knew, even before I knew there was anything to know.. and now I get what all that means. Life just seems to have a very distinct direction when you stop trying to escape from it - and people pick up on that. It's infectious.
Interesting, higher doses of aMT sound quite a bit different than the lower doses I've explored which are in the range you had your previous trip with it on. I glean from reading your report that the empathogenic edge is forsaken for more of a stimulating detached sensory trip in this dose range.. Sounds like a pretty frantic and wild trip at higher doses.
It could be, but it could have been my mindset. The stimulant side will obviously always be there, but how it presents itself in the psychedelic state of mind will probably change. There were times in that trip where it was just.. I don't even know. It was still frantic, but a much smoother and calming kinda frantic.. just releasing all of that stimulation to some Ozric Tentacles was like.. I dunno. Like breathing out the deepest breath you can take, combined with taking off a wetsuit. Pure release. That's why, again, I now see where Writer's coming from. It would flow a lot better on a bigass walk/hike/something outside to use up all that energy. But all personal shit aside.. it's a very interesting chemical. I mean trips are always gonna be weird, but aMT is weird within weird.
Yah I dunno, when I went for a nature walk outside on aMT I pretty much wanted to head back as soon as I got to the spot I sought to explore. It created a strange sort of indecisvieness for me pretty much regardless of what I did.
Yeah I know exactly what you mean, but I definitely felt that less on 60mg than I did on the 30mg. There were still those little moments of "What are we doing again?", but you're quickly reminded that you're off your face, so whatever, just carry on. On 30mg the whole experience is a lot more subtle, and you feel like baseline you. I did anyway, but either way it was strange to have to keep telling yourself you're actually under the influence of a mind altering substance.. It's just an amphetamine thing I think. That's why I never really got into MDMA.. at the last festival I went to, myself and one of the friends in this trip just watched a load of pill poppers running around, frantically trying to find something to do as the sun came up and the music slowly began to turn off. I don't really enjoy that kinda thing.. And maybe my prejudice against amphets is another reason why this experience kicked my ass. I know you love MDMA, so it could turn out differently.
I wouldn't object to trying it at a higher dose or as I think eatlysergicacid previously mentioned mixing some MDMA in with it. I probably went in with too many preconceptions about it being like MDMA. I've read higher doses of aMT are more like LSD but I figure I better suspend those notions as well if I were to try it again. It's schedule 1 in the US and based on my lackluster previous experiences, I'm not really in a rush to seek it out again.
