I´ve come to the point where I´m completely lost. I have no idea what I should do. Been living with my fighting parents all my life. Stress at home, all the time. Hearing them yelling at each other, at me, at my brother. Been bullied at school my entire childhood, never telling anyone at home because my parents already had their own shit going on. It got a little better, and I had friends, a boyfriend. I started drinking; got really drunk at least 4-8 times a month. I developed bulimia, a lot of purging and throwing up. I kind of managed school, but now I´m 22 and I don't know what I want to do with my life really, even though I am currently studying; or at least trying to. I´ve stopped drinking. Instead I started experimenting with drugs. At least I CAN'T get my hands on MDMA at home, I´ve just been lucky enough to get hold of it a couple of times at raves and a festival. But I do smoke weed, and since this summer I´ve been smoking it at a regular basis. I think the weed has been helping me with my bulimia; besides when I just totally stuff myself like a pig when I have munchies. But I rarely throw up nowadays, guess that´s pretty good. I am currently studying; doing a "preparation year" (with maths, physics and chemistry) so I can study any "natural science-education" at the university afterwards. But I don't have any exams until january. So I´ve not really studied a lot yet. I probably have to do A LOT of studying If I wanna make it. But I don't even know If I wanna do this. I don´t know what to do instead either. I feel my anxiety building up day after day. I feel how I am waisting away. I would love to talk to a professional; like a psychologist. But now I´m scared of that to. Because I would "have" to tell that I smoke weed; I wouldn't wanna go to a psychologist and lie; that would just be a waste of money. Not only is it illegal where I live, but also; I guess the psychologist would wan't me to stop doing it. And I don't know If I can or want to do that. I don´t want to take pills either, and I know that that´s the main solution for anxiety and depression here. A lot of people I know take pretty strong antidepressants. Including my dad; he never told me but I found pills in his room when looking for some change once. So here I am. I wake up with anxiety pretty much every day. Throughout the years I´ve build up some kind of defense; I couldn't possibly walk around and show how I feel. So I kept most of it inside. I feel happy at times, I´ve learned to block bad thoughts for a while. But it always comes back, and now it has hit me even harder than it has ever before. I´ve never been suicidal; it never crossed my mind to end my life. I guess that´s why I love drugs; because it allows me to enter a different reality. But I know that´s not an option either. That´s where I am at. I welcome any advise. Thank you for reading :alien:
