Just figured out my true purpose in life.

I was raised in a Christian home, so of course I was taught to believe that pot is bad for your health, and that I should act like I've done something morally wrong by smoking it. Although I'm starting to feel a bit better about my self. I would consider myself a recreational smoker, but I think it also helps a little with my ADHD, OCD, and Tourette's Syndrome.
Anyways, I've just realised what's 'really' going on. It hurts me so much to realise that my fundamental human rights have been denied in the eyes of the law as well as society. I already have mental health problems that are over my head (I'm currently suffering from scizophrenia), and in my head the only people I can see being able to help is my family, but I know that if I were to talk to them about my problems, I'd have to deal with the pain of them not actually CARING because I'm a "pothead" or "doper" or "drug - dealer" or whatever label they may choose to fix.
I feel kind of fucking depressed and angry with myself because I know I'm better than this, but I feel as though my life as I currently knew it is completely erased, like the path that I was supposed to follow just isn't there.
I don't know how to live with my mental problems and depressed feelings, which compound onto themselves when I think about the possibility of not having success in life and never truly finding happiness.
Is there anyone that can give me some advice on what I can do next?
I feel scared and anxious, it feels like my whole world is collapsing.
Peace.

 

Feeling scared and anxious then is not your purpose. What would your world look like if you were happy and filled with anticipation?

 

Well, basically my goal in life as far as I know is basically to find happiness, as well as to be independent and wealthy. Well, not necessarily "rich", as in many meanings of the word, but to be, let's say, a "wealthy person", in health, abundance, and purpose.
I've just got my head all mixed up with all the problems that I've had to deal with my whole life, like my parents religious beliefs, the fact that I have unsolved mental problems, and all the pressure I'm feeling right now.
I think to directly answer your question, my ideal way to feel would be free from the problems I feel have been forced on me, and to feel as though I've actually personally accomplished something by working to get my own independence back. But yeah, basically, just, free.

 

Physically free or free of concern, both?

 

I ask because you say problems forced on you.

 

Both physically free as well as the state of being free from concern.
And yes, part of my mental difficulties are to do with people, I'm just trying to sum up my problems in my own head at this point, I have been treated like shit a lot in the past, and somehow I think people are able to see that in me and just assume that that's the person I am, no more, no less. I mean, I'm sure you can just say that these are "my problems", but I personally kind of feel as though they are problems that I have been put through, and now have to deal with the problems that arise as a result of everything I've been through. And I do kind of feel that I've been abused in the past, in my brain I really didn't think of it that way, but I think my brain is still changing in ways, developing, or whatever. As a functioning adult might put it, I had difficulties with myself because of other people difficulties with me, or so to say, I was deprived of myself and my own true feelings/rights, and therefore I was abused. And seeing as I'm using the word abused, I'm kind of feeling as though this is something that is going to repeat itself until I find my own way to end it.
For example... I feel robbed of part of myself to this day by the way my parents raised me, I remember the way other kids acted when I was younger and never remember feeling as happy as they seemed, or as free, or even that I was considered as much of a person as they seemed to be, in my eyes. I'm disappointed that I didn't get my schooling finished, which might prove to be a downfall to me down the road, but I think that's also partly by the way I was raised, or you might say, the way I wasn't raised. If I could say something to voice this opinion to my parents, it would probably sound something like "man you guys had a lot of problems I had to deal with. I never even accomplish anything for myself!"
But I guess to me now, this is just a lost part of myself that becomes my own fault, and it's now my problem to deal with, and my loss if I don't get something like my education completed. Yeah, I don't like my parents too much, but I guess that's just the way life works, right?

 

Well if you are the way you are because of what others have done to you, you are screwed. But, to have a future different from the past, start telling a different story in the present.

 

Alright, got that. Thanks.

 

Prior to any advice, are you over 18 and what state do you live in? Do you receive any money for your disabilities? Lots of people like you, so know that upfront. You are not alone, and there are resources out there for you, at least for now. After January 1, who knows.

 

I just turned 24 and I live in Ontario, Canada. I'm living off of Ontario Works right now, which is the welfare program. I have had people mention that I should get on disability, but I just prefer not to, because I don't like the feeling of being a mooch if I can get by with the amount welfare gives me. And what do you mean about after January 1st?

 

As far as Jan 1, it's a U.S. thing, new bs after the elections.

I'll tell you this, IF you are truly disabled, get the help you need. To hell with feeling like a mooch, this is YOUR life and quality of life we're talking about here. No one has to know unless you tell them. Everyone else goes on with their life, do you get to make decisions for them? Do you judge them for how they live? Your business is just that, your business. Once again, get the help you need.

 

You said in the title of the thread that you had just discovered your "true purpose in life." The opening post does not bear this out, though. What purpose did you discover, and was it really "true"?

Your perception of your purpose in life is conditioned by your conception of your essential nature. What sort of being you think you are determines what you think you need, want, require for happiness, etc. I (and many others) happen to think that your essential nature is love and wisdom. Perhaps you do not agree with this, which is fine.

Use of drugs, in your case, is one expression of one type of need of one type of individual. That that action is illegal is symptomatic of a failure to recognize the human validity of that need (or of cynical disregard of that human need for self-interested reasons) by those people who are in charge of the society. The question, then, is how you view your relationship to the society. Someone who defines themself by their societal success and their social role is bound to suffer within a society that does not recognize the validity of their needs and longings; however, it is by no means a given that that is the metric by which you are obliged to define yourself.

 

The title I put on the thread was done out of exasperation, and as well it's supposed to be a pun regarding the fact that drugs are illegal, and I kind of felt used and degraded by the way society views them, or, should I say, their view of my view of the conceptual me.
And yeah, I guess what I'm trying to say is that the reality I'm faced with is not really something I would consider "true", or real, or something that is fair at all.

As for your second comment, I think I would agree that love and wisdom is part of what I feel I am about. Although it's still unclear to me at this point what my true purpose is, because it's like life just sometimes throws us into situations and the outcome of that situation might require a certain method of problem-solving, so nothing is really set in stone.

And for the final question, I guess my plan is to separate myself from feeling as though I owe anything to a society that gives me nothing in return, obviously, if that turns out to be the way I need to be. And thinking about what you said, you just gave me a pretty damn good answer to my question. I think I'm just all pissed off about all the BS I've absorbed over the years, and I'm wishing that my mind was working a little better on solving my problems for me.

 

Do you believe your schizophrenia diagnosis accurate? Are you under the care of a physician? Are you taking daily medication for it? How much of a factor do you believe it is in affecting your outlook?

 

Yes, I was originally "diagnosed" by a doctor of psychology when I was at a mental health hospital for an assessment for court. I don't really get any support for it, I'm just dealing with my problems myself. Apparently I have a "mild case" of schizophrenia, and it seems that way to me. I've met people with schizophrenia that seem more fucked up than me. Some people I've met with it seem as though they've actually "lost it" to the view of what a normal person would see it as, but I met one guy with schizophrenia who just appeared to be always distracted from what was happening, and seemed to be mentally "bummed out" by something all the time. That's probably the level of schizophrenia I'm dealing with.

The actual amount that it affects my life is pretty huge. You could look at me and think I was a person with a well-working mind, but in reality that's only what another person might see it as, not the amount of pain, suffering, and difficulty that I'm living with as a result of it. An intelligent person might be able to get an idea of what I'm going through by reading a thorough medical explanation of what schizophrenia is, but I'd say for the most part you wouldn't really know how bad schizophrenia is unless you had it.

Most of the difficulty I have with life because of it is because it's a dissociative disorder, meaning by very definition that it separates me from the world. I'm basically in a different reality than people who don't have it, and that's depressing at times, partly because it makes it difficult for me to do simple things, like errands, that normal people have no trouble with, and also partly because it hurts to go through life realizing that I have so many more problems than the average person, and there's nothing I can do about it.

 

While it is generally commendable to deal with problems yourself, you may be enduring unnecessary suffering.

Fortunately for you, you live in Canada and can get free health care. There is something you can do. Don't deal with this problem yourself. First get medical attention for your condition and follow the doctor's advice. You will then be in a better position to sort out other things in your life.

Schizophrenia is a legitimate reason to be on welfare. You're not a mooch.

Be kind to yourself

 

You might look in to regressing your self in to past lives to see what repressed pain is trapped there . Hypnosis and self hypnosis methods are availbale , I can post more if asked . desert rat

 

Yeah, I'm not quite sure what you mean. I'm not sure if I really believe in those kind of additional spiritual realms, at least beyond the point of what you might see/experience in hallucinations. But I think that if I were to experience memories of what it felt like to be without all the pain, and confusion, etc., that would probably help clear out some of the pain that I feel at present. I mean, if I were to to be able to find some way to put my brain back into a time when I felt completely normal, and use that as a psycho-therapy technique through method of auto-suggestion. I think that would work, but I think it's causing me pain to think of trying hypnosis, because I don't think I understand that, so it kind of stresses me out.

EDIT: I think I might want to try finding out more about ayahuasca, and I think maybe if I could have a good experience with a trip of that stuff, it might help me out a bit. I've heard a trip report from someone who had schizophrenia who tried Hawaiian Baby Woodrose Seeds... apparently he had a shitty trip, but his schizophrenia was completely non-existant for about two weeks.