Ego death? What is this?

Ok here goes nothing.

Around age 5 my uncle told me that you could die anyday and the world can end like a snap of a finger. As you can imagine this really fucked me up as I didnt have a full grasp of things.

I got so depressed to the point were all I would do is cry since it made me feel better i guess. I didnt want to go to school or do anything a 5 year old will do.

I eventually repressed these emotions into my subconsious until I forgot them.

One day at the age of 17 i tried shrooms the first time (a full eight). I was scared since I took 2 XTC pills and smoked a blunt the same day. But like a dumass I took them anyway.

This trip felt like an out of body experience to the point I couldnt feel pain. I literally felt like I was swimming in space yet I was in my sisters livingroom.
Then my 5 year old thoughts resurfaced and bam all I felt was pure feer. I felt like a useless being like just another brick on the wall waiting for my death like everybody else. I was tripping bad. I felt like it was never gonna end. Then 8 hours later I sobered up and again I surpressed these thoughts and just thought it was the drugs making me feel like this.

Two months ago fully sober in my room, I started thinking about death and such and bam once again I felt like that 5 year old again scared out of my mind thinking WTF is this it? Is this life? Am I just awaiting my death in this pointless world?

Scared and seeking answers on google I came upon "Ego death". While reading a passage on ego death on the website 'theself.com' it told me to let go to breath, smell, hear, and taste at the same time. As soon as I did, bam I felt an extreme rush of euphoria to the point I couldnt stop laughing (like the joker from batman) It felt like I was a wild animal with no rational thought. But at the same time with rational thought, thinking "Am I going insane WTF IS HAPPENING?!?!).

I kept reading the passage and It told me that what I was feeling was ego death and that I should relax. It also told me that this was a very enchanting moment in my life and that my next choices will greatly affect the rest of my life. That I needed to decide whats important and whats not. So I did and I gotta tell you it wasnt easy.

I started to think and that lil voice in my head came up (ego I guess) and It was telling me to do wierd shit like to harm myself. This really scared me until later in that passage it told me that that was the ego trying to take back control and that I need to control it and push it aside. So I did and I started to think again about what is important.

I thought about my family, friends, and my Interests like video games and sports. I came to the conclusion that we are all 1 and that the only thing that matters are my family and some friends (Burned alot of bridges) and that material things are pointless and that all I need is enough to survive like food and such.

Ever since Ive never been the same and even to this day I go back to that moment and wonder what that all meant. So was that ego death?

 

And i dont really want to call it euphoria what i was feeling. But it did feel like an extreme rush of dopamine i guess like when you take an XTC pill. It felt really animalistic and almost like I was a kid again. And couldnt stop smiling either and i was constantly laughing of how intense it felt like I was dying or something.

 

I actually know the feeling. I once tripped on about 10 HBWR and felt almost the same feelings. After the trip I discovered how wonderful life is.

 

Damn then you know what I'm talking about. Did you also feel like the whole world was watching you. As if almost they were judging you. During my shroom trip I felt like that. I even thought my mom was watching me and that she was dissapointed at me LOL. I even remember telling my sister if was going to get in trouble.

 

Yeah, the feeling is almost indescribable to people who haven't experienced it. :sunny:

 

In my opinon (9 years if expermenting with hallucinigens and deliriants and an intresting time in a 4th plateau(DXM), don't even fuck around. Make sure you're safe in Research Chemical Land. Then give it a go.

 

Sounds like a pretty common positive reaction to being introduced to psychedelics, but ego death, no.

Ego-dissolution is such a profound, terrifying, beautiful experience that if a person has gone through it, they know it.

Not saying your experience isn't valuable, obviously it is, but it just doesn't sound like a true "ego-death" experience, just the normal eye-opening psychedelics can facilitate.

 

An ego death is said to be characterized as the perceived loss of boundaries between self and environment, a sense of the loss of "control", the loss of the accustomed feeling of existing as a "personal agent", and loose "cognitive-association binding". This "perceived loss of boundaries between self and environment" is said to be experienced through a sensation that one is the whole universe (and therefore there is no need to differentiate the "I" from the "universe") or by simply acknowledging the "I" does not exist.

 

I cannot truly define the idea of 'ego loss'. However I believe I experienced this phenomenon thrice in the past couple months. Once when I consumed 800mgs of DXM on an empty stomach. Twice when I consumed a 1/4 gram of 20x Saliva extract in one hit (two times, weeks apart). I believe I achieved this state all three times because I completely lost all hold of any semblance of reality and my identity. My reality was torn away and I was given a completely new and alien reality - which was so convincing I was completely immersed and lost in it ( to the point I was completely cut off from the real world, belive the 'real world was the fantasy' and was totally oblivious to the fact that I had taken any drugs in the first place).
Quite unsettling.

 

Well I did feel terrified all 3 times and it almost brought me to the point of tears of just how quickly it drained me. I can remember seeing my life as pointless and me as a person useless for what I have accomplished so far in life. IDK i guess ego softening?

 

yeah exactly that last part of "real world was the fantasy" I can remember feeling like that

 

yeah I can relate to that. One thing that really did it for me was thinking "Im perfect the way I am because it doesnt matter we are all just one"