Hey guys, Thought I'd get this off my chest and in advance get everyone's take on the situation. So, me and my now ex have been dating for 4 years 2 months and 19 days today. To hit it off, we had a very strange relationship, per say, we didn't have a first date or anything like that. We met each other at a friends party, we got to know each other a bit, found out we had tons of common friends, yet never met each other. A couple of days from that, we decided to meet up and just hang out (not the casual date). So the date came to a close and I thought "heck, why not give it a try, I kinda like her", so I asked her out as in the cheesy "Think you'd want to try it?" line and it worked. So, first meet, first girlfriend (note I was 18 at that time and felt a bit like a vidya game loser). Things went well for the past 3 years (we had our ups and downs) and I thought to myself "well hell, this is the one". I liked everything about her, she helped me mature as I did for her, she was incredibly smart, funny, a bit cheesy (loved that), and overall an amazing person (if not for a few flaws, but hey, we all have those). I started saving up for an engagement ring (was a long shot, but it was a 17 month saving plan). Here's where the story takes a twist. She decided that she wanted to go on a exchange student program to Spain, since Spanish had a big part in her studies. It's a 6 month thing. I fully supported her even though she seemed hesitant, but she went on the trip. I visited her there once when she was feeling down, tears in our eyes when saying good-bye and waiting for each other again and all that pretty stuff. Now, approximately 3 months in, we started having these little fights through skype, nothing too big, until she asks me to do a video chat with her in the morning. Found it strange since we usually do those sometime in the evening but alright. And there we go, she dropped the "I fucked another guy" bomb on me. The shock that I was in.. Almost kicked a hole in my rooms wall. Packed all of the things that reminded me of her into a bag (had to go to the hospital to treat a fractured bone as well). As it was, I had my exam session then, and guess what, I failed and had to stick around for an entire year and redo three of my courses. I'm not blaming it on her, but she had a decent part in it (could've waited 4 days, just 4 days!). I told her that we're finished, through, she begged me over the phone, over skype, through everything she could get her hands on that would contact me. When I cooled off, I decided "fuck it.. let her try..". So we "separated" in a way, but we still chatted on skype. One thing that she earned was respect. She'll always have that from me no matter what, because she had the guts to tell me (Or she couldn't take the guilt and decided to share it, either way..). 3 months passed and she got back, then because of some miracle, we got back together. Since the moment she told me about her little adventure, every night I go to bed with those thoughts and images in my head and I wake up with the same ones. She did a few slip ups afterwards such as a incredible want and need to go on another trip with her friends to Turkey to simply "party" and when I told her that it's rather inconsiderate of her to do so if she actually wants to get even a tiny bit of my trust back, her response was "I'm not going to limit myself because of you". Months passed, I still had the same feelings, same emotions, same thoughts, same images.. A few weeks from now, I decided that enough is enough and I'm tired of living in a constant state of depression. I broke up with her. Few days passed, I made over two hundred excuses to get back with her, and I did. That's when the shit hit the fan. Every single thing that happened was blamed on me from here on out. It didn't even matter why I broke up with her, that had no relevance anymore, it was just "You broke my heart and now you have to fix it". She wasn't trying anymore, or it didn't feel like it. Perhaps neither was I until she mentioned it that I wasn't showing her enough attention. I started asking her to hang out with me more often, spend more time together until one day she told me that she won't be able to see me for 5 days. My text message to that sounded something like this "Great... Well, guess we'll see each other another time...". And it's as if I flipped a "Bat shit crazy" switch. Her text message back was in short "I have my own life, you're not my priority anymore." Well, as anyone would, I got incredibly insulted. Not because she said it because I can accept that, people do have other matters to attend to, sometimes you just can't give the same person that amount of attention, there's school, your job, your friends etcetera. I got mad because of the way it was said and she said it not long after complaining about how I don't spend time with her. We didn't speak for about 3 days, no texts, no nothing until she texted me today. We started talking and the whole picture that I got out of the whole conversation was this : I'm the one who broke her heart, as such, she's giving up because it's too hard for her, she's tired of me not trusting her, she tried for a very long time to prove herself to me, now it's my turn to fix the damage that she did by sleeping with someone else and me leaving her. I begged her to tell me that that's not true, but she couldn't. She kept evading it and saying "I'm too exhausted to explain anything more to you". With that, I ended it, because it was all that I could take. My family, my friends, even some of her friends told me that it's not worth it, that it's done, but I refused to listen, my heart and mind was set to fixing this relationship, but that just tore my heart out and set it on a silver plate. If anyone even bothers to read this, I'll be grateful already. Any input on this would mean the world to me. Thanks in advance, guys.
I'll tell ya right now, a first love dies hard. You gotta live your life. I don;t know all the details, obviously, but from what you're saying, it sounds like she doesn't love you anymore. Its hard, but I think you both need to move on...either that or go a few months without talking. If your paths cross, so be it, if not, move on and life your life.
The fact that she loves me stays, but she started blocking herself from me after I broke it off. The thing that puzzles me is, yes, I know it hurts, I know how a breaking heart feels like because she did leave me once in the past as well, but she told me that she knew that I'd leave her if we got back together after her infidelity. It happened, we got back together, she's telling me the same thing, she's afraid that I'll leave again but it's completely different. She just blocked me out. What changed?
Gee, is this what I have to look forward to should I ever hit a long-term serious relationship? She feels guilty as shit around you, as she should. the relationship is not healthy. You can't force her to look on the bright side and try and fix it either. Get up and start considering the rest of your life. If you give her space & time maybe you can become friends or aqquantances down the line... This is the risk of love! You're only 22 as well so, man up!
The relationship was great until she cheated. After she cheated, its great she was honest with you but it destroyed your trust in her and I suspect her own trust in herself, and then she just became a super insecure emotional wreak, which was reactionary to your behavior with her. It seems like you guys both failed to reestablish the trust you had before she told you she cheated; and the title of being together or broken up didn't matter anymore. But I guess she expected things to go back to normal and that just wasn't realistic. As for the her blaming you part, she's upset because perhaps for a while she did go through a stage that she considered a "long time" where she honestly wanted to win your trust back. But she feels the forgiveness didn't come fast enough and trying any longer was a chore and thus not worth it. Hence why she's avoiding all contact with you. --- My advice to you is that when you break up with someone you have to be decisive about it. In a cheating situation, if you cringe at the thought of her infidelity, its not time to get back together. To her getting back together means your 100% over it now and there's a clean slate and I'm off the hook, but I should tread lightly for a few weeks. Then once those weeks pass, it's hey trust me again to go on a trip I won't cheat on you. (Some girls expect this reaction) IMHO this was really immature of her.
Future words of advice. Next time your gf says she's going abroad to do an exchange, extended holiday, etc. Just split up or have an open relationship during the that time. If I told my gf that I was going away to Brazil for 6 months, do you really think I would refrain from hooking up with other girls when my gf is 2000 miles away?
For me personally, infidelity is the worst possible thing that could happen in a relationship. Being faithful to each other for me is THE NUMBER ONE thing. Hell, I couldn't even watch movies where people cheated on one another, it genuinely made me sick. I don't think that we failed to reestablish our trust, but that there was not enough time and she gave up too soon. It felt as if once I broke it off, she found a weak spot that she could blame on me. She was tired from all the trying and now she decided that it's my turn to pay the price. At least that's what I feel. I know one thing, I will never in my life be able to trust her, because as she told me, if a guy flirts with her, she flirts back, if a guy asks her to slow dance with her, she will, because she finds it fun. Our ideas of how a person should act with others while in a relationship is completely different. I would never flirt with a girl while I'm in a relationship or even bother dancing with a girl I don't know say if asked out in a night club.
If You Really Valued Your Relationship, And Were A Half Decent Man, Then Yes You Should Abstain.... But I Doubt You Would.... Cheers Glen.
OP, you talk about her loving you... which may be 100% true, but pay more attention to what people do and how they treat you than whatever vague "I love you" they can say. Talk is cheap. She sounds confused, and whether or not that's her fault, it sounds pretty clear that between her actions and your mistrust, holding on to something would just be silly at least for now. All that "open relationship" talk has always confused me- casual hookups are fine, but then don't have a relationship. When you agree to date, you agree to have some self-control. One or the other, you just can't have it both ways. Reminds me of the girl I was seeing who moved away for what was to be an indefinite amount of time, but supposedly wanted to keep dating, and liked to say "I love you" but also reminded me to see other people (which I didn't). She on the other hand gave vague hints that she was having her share of fun. I just don't buy into that one bit. Sorry for your struggles though; it sucks. I think moving on would be your safest bet, but like someone else already said, the breakup has to be decisive.
Well that's the problem isn't it? Each of you have your own conflicting non-synchronized view of what it means to reestablish trust, heal a relationship, and communicate with others in flirty/romantic ways with people in general. If these conflicting views existed the whole time you guys were "doing well" then it was bound to fail, it's just during those 4 good years, this problem was obviously under the radar. Just be aware of other girls in your future who share this same philosophy as your now ex, and note the warning sign. --- I personally think your ex-girlfriend is easy prey for some of the "player" types of guys out there, and I hope she learns her lesson or truly finds happiness with this philosophy of her's but in my experience...I'm go out on a limb and predict she's on the road for some hard lessons through a lot of emotional, and possibly physical, drama for herself and others.
I was trying to make a point... that it's rather absurd for someone to expect their partner to not have any intimate involvement with another in a situation like that. You basically leave your world and go into a totally new world. You make new friends, and basically start a new life (so to speak). The people from your old life are no longer an active, integral part of your new life because their 1000's of miles away. It's not something most people would understand unless they've gone abroad themselves for months at a time. Most relationships can't withstand the long distance thing when a partner is only in a different city, forget another country.
I'm with Glen here. Being 1000's of miles away doesn't take away from what one has with someone, and given that we have phones, skype, e-mail, even snail-mail, there's really no reason to think they're not/can't be a part of your life. Granted, a lot depends on how long people have been together, but anyone in a committed relationship should have the decency of self-control. Simple as that. Given that, I think that anyone in a relationship where one person is traveling for a significant length of time needs to have this discussion as soon as they know they're going to be apart, and also to be very clear on what's been agreed to. The "right thing" here as far as what's going to fly is different for every couple, but from what the OP said about his situation, I'm guessing the discussion either wasn't had, or it wasn't respected.
I would really think my boyfriend would refrain from hooking up with other girls when I was 2000 miles away. But then again, my boyfriend is faithful and isn't an inconsiderate asshole. :devil:
Yeah xxaru you kinda are out of touch with a real relationship Every year I leave for months at at time and have friends that my wife will never know. I've always been faithful
Or so you believe. I even see married guys cheating on their wives when traveling all the time. And I'm sure the wives never suspect a thing. As they say, ignorance is bliss. And I'm certainly considerate enough (and smart enough) to break things off with a girl before she or I relocated 2000 miles away.
Both of you guys are right. Some give in, and others can totally resist. It depends on the person, and then after that main factor is considered, you have to look at the sub-details of the state of their relationship. Details like: 1. Did they fight? 2. Is the sex still good? 3. Does one or both feel that the relationship is stale? 4. What does each person feel is appropriate when far away when approached by the opposite sex? (this was a main problem for the OP and his ex-girlfriend here) 5. Is substance addiction and sex involved? and the list goes on...
