My Dilemma. Do I Choose One Guy Over Another?

I was wondering if anyone had ever had a situation like this or similar and how you'd go about it.

13 years ago, I made some pals on a gaming site. A load of us met up a few times for weekend meets and I realised I really quite liked one of them. He lived about an hour away and would occasionally come and spend the weekend with me and my kids, just as friends, and we'd all hang out. At the next big meet we all went to, there were a few times I thought he was going to ask me out, but he veered off and it never happened. A few weeks after that, I found out he was going out with one of the other meet people, when she made it clear to me, that she did not like my 'having affections' and I was not to have any contact with A as he was hers now. I did as was asked and although we had each other on FB, there was no contact and I stayed away.

A year later, I met N. From our very first contact, we were virtually inseparable, spending hours on the phone and I would make the 7 hour train journey with the kids to see him each holiday so we could all be together. A few years later, the kids and I upped sticks and moved closer and we've been a pretty unconventional family ever since.

N is in a wheelchair with a muscle wasting disease. I've spent the best part of the past 12 years caring for him and picking him up mentally every 3-4 years when there is a big slump in what he can and can't do. We live in two homes - he is in a specially adapted one bed flat, not big enough for me and the kids, and we rent a house 5 minutes away that he can't get into. In the past few years there have had to be more and more changes and three years ago he had to swap our double bed for a single hospital style bed. What little sex life we had pretty much dried up along with the now lost body contact afforded by the bed and we became more of a carer and caree.

Earlier this year, A's GF walked out on him. He was pretty heartbroken and I got back in touch. It turned out she'd isolated him completely - all his friends had been warned off in some way and the few that didn't fall for the warnings stayed away as she was just so unpleasant. Some months later, for the first time in years, I got to spend some time with my family as my dad had a stroke and I had to go back to sort out his affairs. A drove over to my mum's house to come and say hey, and we chatted for hours before he went home. It was great getting back in touch and I realised I'd really missed him as a friend. My brother now lived near A and I went to see him, and as it was a fairly hefty trip to get there, I was invited to see A as well. (N knew about all of this, the break up, getting back in touch, the visit and the offer to go visit).

A's house was full of the things his GF had left behind and he couldn't bring himself to get rid of any of it. I offered to stay for a few days and bag it up for him to give back to her, which he reluctantly agreed to and which I did when he was at work so it wasn't too much for him. This was when N phoned me and told me we were over. He wanted to set me free, to be with someone who could give me what I wanted, to have someone who could be physical with me. No amount of talk could persuade him to wait until I got home to talk about it and that was that. 11.5 years gone. I discovered he'd been thinking about splitting up with me for a while and had discussed with mutual friends as to the best thing to do.

I went home, but it didn't feel like home. We couldn't tell the kids or our families about the split as his grandmother was in the last stages of dying from cancer and everyone was already upset, so we agreed to stay friends and just be the same for everyone else. It was hard, but we've managed it. I managed another trip back to my family, and A asked would I like to spend some time there again. He offered to drive me home after my trip which was great as it would save N the long journey. We got close and we ended up snuggling on the sofa one night, watching TV, and we started talking about the 'old days'. This was the night I discovered he really had been going to ask me out when I thought he was but that he chickened out because of the responsibility of looking after my kids. He hadn't been sure if he could cope with looking after 4 children and he pointed out that one of the other people at the meet had followed me around all weekend at that meet and that he thought I liked them, which was another reason that he'd not said anything. His relationship with his ex had started as she'd basically moved herself into the shared house he was in and he told me that she hadn't even told him she had a daughter until 6 months in when she was given custody again.

It was a few days later when he told me he was in love with me and always had been. It was something my mum and sister had always teased me about when he came to visit -they would tell me how totally head over heels he was with me, but as he never did anything about it, I didn't believe them. We shared a kiss and had a pretty frank discussion about a few things, including the fact that he was impotent. He asked would I consider being his girlfriend and I said yes. The old feelings I had for him were there and just as strong.

It was about now, that N told me he'd made the worst mistake of his life. He missed me, and us and he wished he'd never pushed me away. I hadn't had a chance to fall out of love with him, so it was a pretty strong wake up call. I was honest with both of them, telling N that A had asked me out and A what N had said. N started posting videos and pictures on FB that were about us, and everyone knew how sad he was but didn't know why as we still hadn't told anyone. A said N should never have given me up, but that as sad as it would make him, if I wanted to go back to N he would accept that. N would try and justify the split, saying he'd been at a bad place and he'd only wanted me to be happy and he was so sorry, before bursting into tears.

I talked to both about it and said that whichever way I went, at least one person would be unhappy. A insisted that although it would break his heart, he only wanted to see me happy and if being with N was what that took, then so be it, but I could see in his face that he would be devastated. A drove me home when the visit was over. It had already been planned months in advance that he was stopping over for a week sometime as he hadn't had a holiday in years, and going home coincided with that. He was all for driving straight home, but I told him he couldn't, it was too far and he'd already booked a week off work. It was hard. Both guys get on really well. They are like each other in so many ways. When I came home though, I realised something. I can't possibly chose to upset one and be happy with the other. I told them both this and that I would rather be alone and lonely, than be with one and hurt the other. We got to the end of the week, with lots of tears when A had to go home and I settled into the idea that I was a singleton.

It's not worked out quite like that, though. I still love both of them, something I never thought possible, and both of them have declared in the past week that they will wait for me. I see N almost every day and we are so close still (we were best friends as well as partners) and he asked me today what we were. I admitted that I didn't know, that I still love him but that I love A as well and he said that he has no right to ask me to decide one way or the other as he was the one that messed up what was, in his words, a good thing. A asked me a similar question a few days ago and got a similar answer.

I adore both of these men. If I could roll them up together and have them both, I would. How can I choose one over the other? Would you be able to? Should I just cut contact with them, which would be difficult with N as he's the closest thing to a father figure the kids have ever had (their own father being alternately abusive and absent throughout their entire life). Should i try the whole be alone rather than be happy with one approach?

 

i'm assuming K and N are the same guy?

nobody can make a decision like this for you, you have to do what you think is best for you. not to discourage you from being with neither if that's what you think is right, but i do question the logic in hurting both of them so you don't have to hurt one of them.

 

Yes, it's the same guy.

I'm just in a bit of a tizzy. Both have their merits. Both have problems that would need dealing with. Both of them have told me they can see how much I love the other. I'm pretty useless with decisions anyway, and making one that will potentially devastate someone? I'm not sure I can do it.

 

Jeez... can someone please give us the short version of this novel? Then you'd likely get some more input.

 

My long term partner split up with me.

An old friend, who I was in love with 13 years ago told me some months later he was in love with me and asked me out. He lives 300 miles away.

My long term partner, who I am the main carer for, declared he'd made the worst error of his life, that all he wanted was to allow me not to have to watch him decline and die and wants me back.

I told my new partner, I couldn't cope with the pressure.

They have both declared their intentions to win me over and I can't chose one over the other, because I can't hurt one without hurting myself as well. I've considered the possibility of just letting them both go, but both insist I shouldn't be alone and it would hurt them more if I did.

I just wondered if anyone else had ever had this kind of dilemma.

 

But how do YOU feel, on the inside of your heart, about this? Look at it from a third person point of view.

 

dump the dude in the wheelchair...

its not even a hard decision...he broke up with you...

what kind of a moron in a wheelchair dumps a woman willing to give her life to care for him...he is a fucking idiot and will likely make more even stupider decisions in the future