i was wondering... would you be comfortable, or are you comfortable, if your partner was judgmental of others? like would you tolerate it if they made ignorant or unnecessary comments? for me, my bf for the most part tries to be open minded... or at least with me he does. but with certain people, or even strangers, he'll randomly say something stupid about them. it kinda disappoints me and i have pointed out to him how those comments contradicts the way he is with me. for example, last week he was telling me how lame one of his friends was cus he's still a virgin, doesnt bother to prioritize gettign laid, etc. and i felt offended for the dude just because i don't think his sexual life is any of my bfs business, and this guy is a rly nice guy so i dont see why his sexual life is relevant. enough times my bf has asked me if i thought random ppl who seemed shy and odd were virgins... and again i didnt get it. he seems to think that someone's sexual experience is an important determinent of a persons worth or something. and it's pretty immature imo. i told him all of this, and he kpet apologizing to me but i dont think he really got why i was upset. it's been bothering me lately, and i dont know if im overreacting or being oversensitive or what. he's kind to me and a nice person in general it's just sometimes his comments can be so juvenile. what do you guys think?
there seems to me to be an Irony here. boyfriend is sometimes judgemental but YOU sometimes judge his comments to be judgemental. so here, your judgements appear to rest on his judgements which centre on the sexuality of Others. So ask him what it is about Others' virginity that preoccupies him. (when you ask don't use the word "why" because it makes people go all defensive. use 'what'. like: what is it about Others' virginity that interests you so much? or: you seem to focus on Others' virginity a lot. what's that about?) and what annoys you about yr boyfriend's focus on virginity? are you perhaps worried he sees you like a trophy, or an emblem for his own sexual (cough, cough) maturity? cheers!
I can say almost without any doubt that this is likely true. Unfortunately most men are focused on this. I however am not, and I can say that if he really acts like the OP says, he is likely not worth dating anymore because it is entirely likely he just wishes to "advance" himself for his own desires and will want to leave you after you have sex, if you have sex that is.
assuming she's not full of shit (and i really don't think she is), she is an adult who has been sexually active with this boyfriend for several months now.
I think he's showing glimpses of his true colors in how he is treating or judging others. This quality of his has the potential to really sour a relationship when it gets in a rough spot. He sounds young, and I'm wondering how long the OP has been with him. I agree with the posters above me, (minus the joke replies to lighten the seriousness of the topic). For me this quality is a pretty big turnoff, if trivial things are what are triggering a judgement to be issued. But for bigger things/issues, I think judgements are appropriate. And how a potential significant other, parent of your child, see other people is a HUGE issue.
Yeah we've been together for almost a year now. I'm not sure what to make of the poor jokes he makes sometimes because towards me he doesn't exhibit such ignorance. Other things that I find unsettling is how he says he's not homophobic and doesn't care if gay ppl wanna be together but then hell make immature half jokes about not wanting to look like a fag or hell use words that pertain to homosexuality in a negative connotation.
I just had the thought that ... if this is the same guy you mentioned in another recent post ... who invites you to join MFM threesomes with him ... his homophobic talk is probably evidence of his own struggle with homosexuality! (well, we could argue that the male bi-sexuality necessary to enjoy MFM threesomes is NOT homosexuality ... but that's close enuf for me.) he is using you (female) as a way to approve his bi sexuality. I mean he would never suggest to another man that they get naked together ... unless there was a female present to make the men seem like they were involving themselves in hetero sex. are you with me? does this make sense to you? if he is the one who suggests threesomes ... how does he behave toward the other male? (no need to tell us, but if I 'm right you will have observed he behaves in an unusually close way with the other male.) does this help unravel your puzzlement about his anti-gay talk? if you like him and want to continue the relationship confront him with what you think about his sexuality. OR put the matter to rest forever by finding a man who doesn't want to use you as a means of camouflaging his sexuality.
Oh yeah umm that's really common amongst the mainstream culture, to make homosexual puns and jokes. I'm not saying it's right but I don't think it's a red flag, I just think it's a problem with society. And I think being with him for only a year is WAY to short to really say you've seen him for what he really is. I really am leaning toward the idea that you are seeing cracks in his facade to put his best foot forward during the "dating" phase. Overall I think this is a genuine red flag if it concerns you so much and is rubbing you the wrong way and you aren't seeing genuine improvement in his behavior without you asking him to change this behavior (because really you can't really change your partner's behavior, only they and time with the hopes they'd mature a bit can do that) How old are you guys respectively? (I'm asking for for age because it helps me get a general idea of where both of you are maturity wise. It's not a sure-fire way to measure maturity but it's better than no data) ---Somewhat new argument point--- My concern for you is that if say one day your relationship goes into a sour patch, this nasty side of him, which he hasn't shown to control yet, will project onto you and whatever problem the future you and him are dealing with. ($, kids, where to buy a house/apartment) I know you're young but in the end if what your looking for is a serious partner, then those questions are things you have think about in your mind. BUT if this relationship is just a short-term sexual one that you have no intentions of going further, then by all means I think you're okay for now. I am concerned he has a tendency to put sex first over the emotional health of his girl though.
That explains a lot. He's not ready for a relationship in my humble opinion. Lots of guys are immature like him or just downright mean/blunt (even middle aged guys sometimes stay this way at their core they just temper their aggressive/mean side off a bit, and keep it in the world of business). Also you have to understand that just as girls judge their own girlfriends based on (fashion & accessorizing, beauty, tone of speaking, body language, social connections); guys also judge each other based on how much group kinda mentality there is within the "brotherhood". It's all social psychology based, society tends to feel uncomfortable towards those who aren't like themselves. T'was probably a survival technique, difference meant danger in the evolutionary world. But regardless boys/men tend to rate each other on ambition, drive, getting things done (actions like getting a job, getting a girl, ect.). And the more common behaviors friends have in common with one another, the more they can share, and thus kinda form a brotherly bond of sorts, which makes both persons feel the other is less threatening and less "dangerous". This is what your boyfriend is doing, whether he consciously knows it or not. He's just following his evolutionary programing. And it should be said that this evolutionary programing isn't politically correct. Combined with cultural man-made doctrines, this is how the notion of hateful ideologies like racism, sexism, and elitism all start. It's pretty off putting and we should move on from the double-edged sword aspect of the "us" vs "them" = "better/superior" vs "worse/inferior" way of thinking.
