In Love with Boyfriend, but Feelings for Someone Else

This is LONG and contains personal correspondence. All names have been changed to protect my ass.

2 years ago, I was on a dating site. I went on a few dates, blah blah blah. Anyway, towards the end of my online dating adventure, I met a guy named Stan. Stan and I hit it off well and after a few days of talking (a lot) we met in person. It was 6am and we'd been talking since 1am. He came all the way from the borough of NYC that he lives in to NJ (where I am) during a blizzard just to meet me. We had a few dates after that and there was amazing chemistry, both physically and emotionally. Anyway, the "relationship" just sort of petered out on its own, due in large part to our work schedules. Hard to maintain a relationship when the other person is always working when you have off and vice versa.

Since that was sort of hitting a roadblock and we were nowhere near having an exclusive relationship, I kept going on dates. I assume Stan is doing the same thing at this point. I met a guy, let's call him Edward, a few weeks later and we're still together now, 1 1/2 years later. Edward and I have a great relationship. We're attracted to each other physically, we are on the same emotional ground. We have similar goals in life, similar interests, etc. We have talked about marriage and he has been very open about wanting to be with me for the rest of his life. We're supposed to move in together in the late spring/early summer.

Can you see where this is going yet?

Hurricane Sandy devastated the part of NYC where Stan lives. Since he and I have maintained a semi-active FB (and occasional texting) friendship, I PM'ed him on FB to make sure he was ok and to offer anything I could, seeing as how I was not adversely affected. He was fine and whatnot. We started chatting (it had been a few months) and caught our friendship up to speed.

However, very rapidly, all of the old attraction came back. Not just the physical, but the intellectual and emotional attraction too. Now, when I say this, it's the gospel truth. STAN IS THE FIRST AND ONLY MAN TO EVEN MAKE ME THINK NAUGHTY THOUGHTS SINCE I'VE BEEN WITH EDWARD. These types of thoughts have literally NEVER crossed my mind until Stan came back into the picture. I have been perfectly content with Edward and all of the sentiments about commitment and whatnot I mentioned before were also reciprocated by me. Our relationship is not one-sided. Anyway, the conversations between Stan and I quickly escalated into flirting and dirty picture texts.

So, I was obviously distraught and confused. I sent an email to Stan telling him exactly how I felt and what was going on in my brain. I stressed that I was absolutely attracted to him, but that I had no intentions of being unfaithful. I told him that I wanted to remain friends but that I couldn't keep up the flirtatious behavior. He told me that he respected my honesty and that he agreed to curb the flirtation in order to remain friends. THAT LASTED FOR 10 MINUTES. Immediately, we were back to our old behavior. Lest you think that he was the only one initiating the bad behavior, I admit fully to instigating much of it, as well. When I asked him what we were doing, he sent me this (Nov 21):

"you might as well come to terms, baby. because as soon as the semester ends, I am fucking you into paradise, teaching you to play pool properly, taking you to a museum, dragging you to my shows and all that jazz
in other words, to quote the Booty Warrior, I like ya and I wantcha. Now we can do this the easy way or we can do it the hard way.
And quite frankly, I'm happy with either. Think about it. It's up to you. I am only presenting the best possible option for a lady deserving of such due to her beauty, diligence, personality, work ethic and drive to succeed. There are more things about you sexy than just your body you know.
oh. and you're brave, too, to face your greatest challenge in life thus far (college) and succeed thus far, from what I can tell.
it's not just your body, face, ass, blowjob skills and all those wonderful things. it's everything else as well. honestly.
I'll level with you. I know I'm a commodity. But I'm also prudent and self-aware. I know the kind of person you are - hard working and paying dues. I think it's time you've stopped. You have paid enough dues. I think you need, and god dammit, deserve the best. i.e me
wait I think that came off more dickish than I intended o.o
even for me o.o
but here we are and there it is
to quote the good emprah from Amadeus "well...there it is." "

(At this point I reply that he has made me blush immensely) His response:

"as happy as I am now, you will be. and it will be worth it, I promise you. it takes a special girl for me to promise something to."

Last week, Stan stopped talking to me. Like instantly blacklisted me from his life. I was going to take this as a sign of Fate intervening for me and showing me what choice to make, but I was also pissed off at his behavior. I emailed him, telling him how I felt. (Dec 5)

"You know what? Fuck it. I'm tired of being a coward. I need to get this off my chest. I was planning on waiting until after the semester is over to ask/send this, but it's been bothering me too much to wait that long. And yeah, it's kind of a long message. Sorry about that.
I know I may have come on a bit strong with the pics and talking to you and all. And I'm sorry if that freaked you out. But I haven't felt the way you made me feel in a long time! You know I've always had a thing for you, hell, it's not like I've kept it a secret. So to have you pay attention to me after all this time....I got excited. I felt sexy. I liked sending you dirty pictures. I liked flirting with you. Maybe I should have toned it down a bit, in retrospect, but I'm only human. And an excitable, passionate human at that.
I poured my heart out to you. I agonized over this silly "betrayal" before I even thought about doing any betraying. And why? For what reason? Why did I allow myself to be taken in? Because it's you. Because it's you, Stan, and I've always wanted you. You know that. If you didn't, now you do. So knowing that, and reading what you wrote, I gave myself false hope. I projected things that were never there. I debated leaving my boyfriend. I was willing to throw it all away because I was foolish enough to think that feelings from a fling 2 years ago were worth exploring. Because I had convinced myself that it wasn't just any fling, that the amount of passion you inspired after 2 goddamn years wasn't something I could easily write off as "no big deal"... *sigh*
So, I guess, when all is said and done, I just want to know what happened. Did I do something? Say something? Was it the pictures? I'm just trying to figure out how it went from me being someone who "always makes you feel special" to not a single word of communication in over a week. I don't even care that I'm coming off as Overly Attached GF here, I'm really just curious. Even if I didn't have feelings for you, I'd be asking this question. I miss my friend. We finally got back in touch after a (too long) hiatus and it was awesome. So what happened?
You have NO idea how much I hate myself for writing this and for hitting "send." I feel like your little lapdog, just sitting around desperate for some attention from you. This is not at all what I am used to, especially with men. Feel flattered. Feel whatever you want. But please don't ignore me."

His reply (Dec 5):

"Im not ignoring you, silly. I'm...hating on myself for doing these things to you. I mean you have a 2 year relationship and here I come being all sexy n stuff! I really do feel bad. I'm not the kind of person to break up a relationship because my ego needs tending to. No, it's not the pictures, I quite like them. It's just...I feel like Im doing something very bad and that I should stop. Don't get me wrong, flirting and being naughty with you is more fun than I've had in a very very long time.
The week-long silence is my way of trying to repair whatever damage I might have caused. Give you a chance to think and stuff. I am deeply sorry for any anxiety this might have caused.
In short, in the words of a very sexy rabbit - I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way!
In no way do I want to lose you as a friend, and maybe one day, who knows...we might have a shot at something more stable. But I think we can both agree that it is borderline freaky at how quickly we began to be naughty. A little fast, even for moi. Especially since you aren't single. Quite the situation we've gotten ourselves into, huh, dear?"

Basically, this is where we're at. He and I are going to meet up for drinks in about 2 weeks (it has been 2 years, after all!) and I have no idea where we're at in this situation. I have NO clue where his mind is and I can't bring it up without talking it to death. I don't plan on making any moves, but I don't plan on resisting them if he makes them either. I don't need to hear about what a trashy whore I am or what a bad girlfriend I am either. I just honestly don't know what to do. Normally, I'd say just wait for it to play itself out, but I don't feel like feelings this intense that have resurfaced after 2 freakin' years is something I can dismiss as "no big deal." There's something different about Stan, something that is making this so difficult. I don't know if I'm scared of commitment and want one last fling? i don't know if it's because I feel like our "relationship" didn't have a conclusive or satisfactory ending? I don't know if it's just hormones and chemistry? I don't know if it's a sign that I should be rethinking everything?

My life with Edward was perfect until this mess happened and now I find myself questioning everything. I don't want to throw away the best thing in my life for a (relative) unknown, but if I feel this way, can I justify staying? How can I know if it's lust or something more? I know feelings of lust and attraction will come and go throughout my life, but I feel like there is more to Stan and I than just carnal desire. Hell, we've fucked already 2 years ago, so it's not like I'm curious about what it'd be like... I am so confused. I can't talk to anyone because I don't have many friends and the few I do I cannot trust not to immediately tell my boyfriend everything. I will be the one to do that, if it needs to be done. So with no one to talk to, I over analyze and drive myself crazy. Any help or advice, HF?

 

duality is a bitch isnt it?.. you should let yourself be young and get it out of your system now. turn your moral switch off for a little while and be yourself. Your probably hurting yourself more not experiencing it.. when your fully engaged in the romance and adventure. Youll be glad you did it..

You cant settle an active volcano. it takes time and it keeps rumbling inside. After an eruption it rests.

 

Telling your boyfriend already needs to be done if you have any respect for him! You want to be young and free there is nothing wrong with that, but this great guy you are with has a right to know. Is it really fair to him to start a life with you based on lies and deceit? Do you not think he deserves better then that? If you and your boyfriend are not on the same page then let him go unless you would be okay with him doing the same thing to you.

Don't worry if you don't like what I had to say the cheating is cool crowd should be along anytime now to give you the support you want to hear!

 

Just because you love him doesn't mean you can't explore with others.. I love someone and I live with him but if I were given the chance I'd take the next train back to my parents house and go back to my hermit-ing lifestyle in their back spare room away from everyone else again

 

you're not in love with your boyfriend

 

When you go for drinks feel out the situation , see what he is like in person again after 2 years. I mean with Edward now I am kinda thinking there is no reason to fix what is not broken. Until you heard from Stan again you were Happy. I don't think I would chance it girl. Drinks is one thing , but there is a very good chance the grass will not be greener on the other side. I just gather that from Stans messages. He said he was sorry for the stress and stuff that he caused you , but when you told him you were in a relationship with Edward he still didn't let up , so to me I don't think he would be all that sorry. I know you said you flirted back with the pics and such which like you said makes you just as guilty. I think you should just remain friends with him. Edward seems like a good guy & if you do go further with Stan it would only be right to let Edward know what has happen because that is what any good person deserves is the truth & it could be one of those things were you loose both & end up alone. Honey the more I think about your situation the more I think ya should keep the good relationship you have now & just be friends with Stan. I mean if somewhere down the road things with Edward unravel on there own ya might have a shot with stand. I just don't want ya to end up in one of those"Ya don't know what ya got til its gone" type of deals.
I wish you the best in adventures & please let me know how things go in the next 2 weeks , dear.

 

well, here's the update, if you can call it that.

drumminmama, you hit the nail on the head. NRE is EXACTLY what I was experiencing with Stan. The more I read up on it, the more I found myself nodding and going, "yup!" So, thank you so much for that. I also realized that this NRE was hitting me at a point in my life that has already been riddled with changes (I quit one of my jobs this week, my first college semester ends this week, as well, and, of course, the impending move). I think that it is much easier to think of transitions in life and transitions in romance as being simpler when done simultaneously. It's easier to change aspects of your life when you're in the midst of change already. After all, the hardest part about change is actually doing it, right? So, I think my willingness to change my relationship, was due in part to being in such a transition-based mindset. I also think that I was scared of that level of commitment (becoming half of a domestic partnership), but wasn't allowing myself to admit it, and was looking for either a "final fling" or an easy way out.

Stan and I have stopped talking, for the most part, since that last message I posted. I started to question his sincerity. I reversed the situation. I thought, "if he was in a relationship and I wanted to pursue him, how would I do it?" So I imagined that each of us sent the opposite messages and it occurred to me that if I was trying to break someone up with their significant other and then received a message from them saying that they were thinking of leaving their partner, I WOULD JUMP ON THAT IMMEDIATELY. That sentence would be the opening I would be hoping for and I would be relentless. But he didn't. He did the opposite. He ran away. After all of this bravado about how "I deserve the best" and he wants me for more than my body, when I finally told him that I was considering leaving my boyfriend, he decided to back off and give me some crap about a sudden pang of conscience. Highly illogical, given what his (stated) intentions were.

I finally got a chance to talk to a friend I could trust and whose opinion I hold in high esteem. He gave me an exercise to try. He suggested that I write down, in exact detail, my perfect day. When do I wake up? What am I wearing? What am I doing? etc. He told me to be as selfish as possible when describing the day. Then, he told he to write down the name of the man I wanted to spend each portion of the day with (i.e. wake up next to ____?, eat breakfast with _______?, etc). The man whose name showed up the most often or on the most important portions of the day was the right choice. Before I even made it to dinner of my perfect day, I knew I had made my choice.

The flame with Stan only seemed bright because I was standing close to the fire. Once I stepped away from the glare, I was able to see just how little light the fire was actually throwing. However, my fire for Edward has never dulled. It sounds disingenuous because of my original post, but I've never loved anyone more than my boyfriend and I've never stopped feeling this way about him. I just questioned the relationship because of the sudden emotional conflict Stan brought in.

As for the "date" Stan and I were supposed to have, I have no idea if it's still happening at this point. I have decided not to initiate conversation with Stan. If he wants to talk to me, he can. He knows when my semester ends and when my schedule opens up. If I don't hear from him, oh well, my suspicions about his intentions will be proven correct. If I do hear from him, he can expect to receive immediate and automatic shutdowns for any non-platonic advances. This whole encounter has made me lose a lot of respect for Stan (and myself). I am disgusted by my behavior because I know better. But I am disgusted by Stan because I've known him for 2 years and this seems uncharacteristically rude and inconsiderate. I was able to be open and honest about how I felt every step of the way, and he was too cowardly or flat-out unwilling to pay me the same courtesy. I have no tolerance for that kind of childishness. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

All photos, videos, and conversations with Stan have been deleted, as well as his number from my phone. It's very likely that if he doesn't contact me for the get-together (which he says he's still open to, because we are friends who haven't seen each other in years) that he and I will no longer remain friends on Facebook, either. (I know some of you will say "Delete him from your Facebook now!" and to those of you, I say, "You're probably right, but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. We do go back several years and he has been a good friend to me when I was going through tough shit. So, he gets to stay, but only conditionally.") I want there to be no temptation (although with how much respect I've lost for this man, there really isn't much temptation anymore) to watch or reread anything that got me into this mess.

As far as my relationship with Edward, I have not told him explicitly what happened with Stan, nor do I plan to do so. Call me selfish and disrespectful, I don't care. Edward and I talked peripherally about the type of situation I found myself in. If anything, this situation has made me even more grateful to have him in my life and I plan on using this scenario to help keep me focused when life throws some temptation my way. To think of what happened makes me sad, but to think of what could have and almost did happen makes me want to vomit. Edward is the love of my life. I want nothing more than to continue to work with him to achieve the life we've planned for ourselves. We adopted another hamster this weekend and took off all next week to stay home enjoying our apartment, our furry little hamster boys, and each other during the holidays.

I would like to thank those of you that read this post and cared enough to add your two cents. I really do appreciate reading the comments and various points of view (even when they're hard to hear)! If there is any more to this story (sweet Cthulhu, I hope there isn't! lol) I will keep you updated, but for now, it looks like this saga is over.

 

I think you made the right call RiderOnTheStorm2.0.

I think you should write a book about this kinda scenario girls (from middle school on up to adulthood) find themselves in these kinds of situations. Not everyone has a good friend they can trust for this kind of advice like you got from your friend whose opinion you hold in high esteem.

But man that Stan guy was a smooth-talker, nice guys who don't intend to screw girls over better take note.