Friends, sex, and secondary relationships?

Hey guys,

Its been a while since I've posted, but I find myself in a situation that I'm having a hard time handling, and I need some advice...

My girl and I are very secure in our relationship, and we like to have sex with our friends. And usually, our friends oblige. Its a good situation.

One of our aforementioned friends is my girl's best friend from highschool, whom we'll call Fay. We've been playing with Fay and her husband off and on for a couple of years now. She's really attractive, but has always suffered from low hormone levels, and had never had much of a sex drive, much to the frustration of her husband. But since they started playing with us, that's gotten better. I really thought we were helping her awaken sexually, and maybe we were. The beginning, I heard through my girl, that she was really into me, and of course, that always feels great. Beyond that, Fay is really shy about sex, as I can sometimes be, but the two of us would always find ourselves sitting together and touching a lot when in social situations. It was almost like a secondary relationship, though a very casual, unspoken one.

Recently, I found out that she has been chatting online with a guy she met through an online game. Before I even knew anything was happening, she'd been having sexual chats, and sending this guy naked pictures. On top of that, this other guy is a 'dom', and she has agreed to be his sex slave. They have exchanged numbers, and she is ALWAYS texting him. He is listed in her phone as "master". She has her husband's permission for all of this, and in fact, she's so into this whole dom/sub thing, that she and her husband have been enjoying a huge boost to their sex lives. It seems like she's finally found the key to her sexual awakening. All she needed was a man who is the exact opposite of me.

My reaction to all of this has been negative, to say the least. I feel hurt, rejected, and betrayed. I haven't been able to bring myself to return her emails for the last week, and she's starting to wonder what's going on. We had a little get together this weekend, and she ended up taking off her clothes and having sex with her husband in front of us. But she did it under the orders of her new 'master', who was texting her instructions all night. I couldn't even look at her. It was like a girl who dumped me came into my living room and fucked her new boyfriend in front of me. I felt sick. Still do.

I don't think I can have her around for playtime anymore, but I don't know what to say to her. Its not really any of my business, but I feel like my feelings were completely disregarded. Should she have asked me before committing herself to some stranger who likes to order her around? Plus I'm afraid that my taking this so hard is going to end up hurting my girl's feelings..

Has anyone ever dealt with something like this?

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Let's see, you have a friend you occaisionally have sex with, but she's not "your girl." How can you rightfully expect to have any say in ow she conducts herself? Get over your petty jealousy and self pity and grow up.

 

I also live this kind of lifestyle with my lady! To be honest I don't know why this would bother you so much and why it is really any of your business who she is doing what with. If her husband is cool with it that is what should matter. Your lady is the one you are supposed to have the emotional connection with. Maybe it is time to step back from the lifestyle for a while and figure why you are in it!

 

Didn't I say that I knew it was none of my business? I haven't done anything yet, I'm just having an emotional reaction. Everyone has them. I'm not going to ask her to change anything for me, and I know I have no right to even be angry. But I am. Its not rational, I know, but there it is. I'm just hoping someone might have something constructive to say that might help me get over my "petty jealousy and self-pity"

Thanks so much for your input.

 

I did say something constructive! Step back from the lifestyle and figure things out. It sounds like you are having feelings for this other woman that cross the line of what you should and that is only going to lead to trouble with the one that should matter.

 

Sorry enhancer, I didn't mean to say you weren't being constructive..

I think part of the reason this situation works for me is that we're playing with friends, rather than strangers in a club, and I'm just poly-amorous enough to enjoy having some level of connection. I know how it sounds, but none of this is any threat to my real relationship.

Maybe the bottom line is that I just have to get over it..

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Does no one else form secondary attachments to the people they 'play' with? A sex-buddy has never become a friend that it would hurt you to lose?

 

I'd very much like to have one, but unfortunately no.

I have a question, however: How did you come to know about her master? That seems to me to be a key element.

I know, often times for me, it's not what people do, it's that they are insensitive in keeping it private that hurts me most. They don't go, "Hey, this might make Cherea jealous!"

 

I certainly have. It was difficult, to say the least, when she ended it, even though it was meant to be NSA sex and company.

But that's the risk you take. There's no point in denying the feelings you have, just as there is no point in being surprised by them, or in acting upon them. You just need to accept that it's an almost inevitable consequence of a choice.

 

I think you are a bit hurt in this case mostly because she isnt your wife/gf and you kind of crossed the line when you started creating this invisible second relationship, because yes everyone does have a tendency to have feelings even though its strictly NSA but you went a little too far and now your feelings are paying the price for it. God forbid your girl finds out about these feelings.

Sorry but the relationship between you two was meant to be sex only and thats probably how she sees it, and nothing wrong with that, point is that the only person she shouldve consulted about getting a master would be her husband.

Now if you two truly had a connection and you both knew (not just you) then i'd suggest getting a cup of coffee with her and maybe telling her that this master thing doesnt make you feel comfortable and its ruining your friendship, BUT THEN AGAIN if it makes her really happy and you want it to stop then you yourself might be ruining the friendship.

I would suggest letting it go and if it really pains you that much then find a new sex buddy

 

It is unnatural to expect no feelings to develop from having sex with someone else. This is human intimacy.

 

Absolutely you cannot have expectations that she regard your feelings. That sounds harsh, but it's true. She gets to choose her playmates, and her playground, with no commitment to you. Maybe you are looking for a courtesy from her, but in regards to her sexuality it isn't practical. Remember, when you enter into the these scenarios, realize there is potential for complications like this, which is why you have to have really thick skin.

 

Yes, a FWB of mine has become a friend. We are very categorized though. Besides our "routine", we also have certain subjects we talk about. Neither of us divulges anything about other lovers. So its the ol' saying "ignorance is bliss" and "what you don't know won't hurt you".

Is there any chance that your hurt feelings has to do with feeling incompetent about pleasing her 100%, and that she ended up taking it further to find more pleasure?

 

I disagree with this. Certainly, I've had intimate feelings for some of the women I've had sex with, but I've also had sex with women who have been no more than friends, and it was agreed from the start that we were merely having sex for the sake of mutual sexual satisfaction. To this day I remain friends with these women, and they have their own lives to live. I don't discount the possibility that we may even repeat the intimacy of sexual encounters at some time in the future, but it's highly unlikely to develop into anything further.

Also, being Bi, with about a 70% preference towards being Straight, any sexual encounters I have with other men are purely for mutual sexual satisfaction, and feelings just don't come into it at all. In fact, more often than not it's totally anonymous from start to finish.

 

I don't chime in here on these topics much but in my book, that's just a fucked up, cruel and sociopathic thing to say to someone.

That or you're a bot with no fucking feelings whatsoever.

Yep. One shouldn't be surprised if feelings arise, on the other hand a cognizant person should expect an open fwb thing like that to be what it is. Recreational fun. And a friendship. Not a commitment or promise.

The rule for me is treat people with consideration. Your playing around may end and simply be a friendship. The thing you have to deal with is deciding if she's treating you with lack of consideration as a person. That's part what determines my friends, sex or no.

 

A belated thank you for all of your constructive comments. I haven't been back to HF for a while, in part because I was embarrassed about having posted this thread. Coming back and reading some of the later responses has me feeling better about it.

If anyone is interested, the situation with Fay has gone downhill in a rapid and alarming way. She now says that she is in love with her new master, that she considers him a second husband (though they've never met in person), and puts him on equal ground with her real husband. On top of that, it has come out that this person is a registered sex offender, and has done 5 years in prison for child molestation. This does not deter Fay from her new love, in fact she desperately wants him to move in with her, her new husband, and their young son.

I'm trying to put my personal feelings aside, because I'm more than a little afraid for her. I believe this person is dangerous, though its mainly my intuition that tells me so. I have expressed my concerns to her, as have several of our friends, but that's all I can really do. Her husband is very upset that she kept the information about his record a secret for so long, and is ready to divorce her over it, though they're still trying to work things out. I guess its a good thing that I escaped being in the center of all that mess, but now I'm concerned for my 'friend' on a different level. I feel pretty powerless, and I guess I am...

 

your poor wife. she ain't dumped you