Really I was sexually assaulted as a kid and again at 18,wanted to kill myself at the age of six. I've banged my head off walls, overate, underate, cut, drank, took drugs and wanted to off myself many times. I have thoughts that are just not normal, I form unhealthy attachments to older men and get kicks out of fantasies where I get hurt. I am always the loner. The weirdo who makes people uncomfortable. I try to make friends and fail miserably. I tell myself it will be different and I will try again but it never works. I give off the crazy vibe. I guess it's not so bad. But I am trying not to give into that wailing insanity, and instead make something of my life. I try to reach for normal. I try to do well at college. But I suck. I am frustrated and angry and lonely. I don't feel I'll ever be normal. I've tried meds and counselling and I think it's all crap It doesn't help. Has anyone here who has felt like this ever managed to make something of themselves? I want to be a doctor first and foremost. But I also want to get the courage to act and design clothes (both passions of mine). I can't seem to hold myself together to make it happen atm...and I can't imagine myself as anything other than a failure right now. I'm so lost...
Lol at the yummy. Yes I have. Meditation helps a bit sometimes. Exercise too. I have fibromyagia so I don't do as much exercise as I want to. When I have a good period I do try exercise and mediate but I'm still as nutty as a baklava! x
Maybe you wont ever be normal, but what is normal anyways? It is probably best to accept yourself for who you are if thats not 'normal' who cares the important thing is being happy with yourself even if you remain abnormal. I've certainly felt that way except I gave up on trying to be normal quite some time a ago and don't exactly strive for it. But yeah so far I kind of have failed at life so I haven't gone past fail status it seems.
Yes I don't suppose I really believe the word "normal." But I guess I would like some sort of self assurance to not believe I was too messed up. I'm sure you haven't failed at life Comfortably. As long we're alive we're surely a chance to change it all?x
this works sometimes but the "The weirdo who makes people uncomfortable... I try to make friends and fail miserably" idea that OceanStar talked about and the way that leads to being lonely is one of those instances where the whole "who cares about normal anyway" idealism gets shot to shit. that being said, there is something to not having to be exactly who you think you should be... in my very limited experience, the more you try to make something absolutely just right perfect, the more awkward and abrasive it tends to be, as far as meeting people and being out interacting. you talked about general problems like coming off as a weirdo and forming unhealthy attachments, but i would think there are more root, personal tendencies that probably even come out in situations and you're not even aware it's the same pattern maybe because it's not a notable problem or concern in a given situation. for example, coming off as a weirdo isn't *just that*, it could be due to the way you perceive other people and or/yourself, or yourself in relation to them, etc, all things which are totally change-able. the brain is remarkably capable of making new connections and forming new patterns i'm inclined to think that a good counselor (i know you said you think it's bs, OS, but perhaps you could find the right person? there are many different people with many different specialties) can bring various mechanisms to the surface that can help you see your actions more clearly (i second the suggestion of meditation for the same reason).
agree with cm about giving therapy another shot the quality of the help you get varies widely with the therapist, so I think that you could try shopping around. there are also lots of different approaches to therapy maybe a cognitive behavioral approach might be good? maybe joining a survivor's support group would be good for you. just being around other people who can relate to what you've experienced and are experiencing now www.suicideforum.com has a some non-crisis forums that might help you find some community and talk to some people who have more experience with these issues as far as career issues go, I think that it's important to not do anything that is going to undermine your emotional well being if you are not feeling strong. they really try to rip you down in med school. doesn't sound like a good route to go acting might be something that helps you emotionally. you can channel all of the emotional energy that you feel into your acting. maybe you could do something healthcare related, while still respecting where you are in terms of your mental health and well being hope that things can get better soon!
Just be yourself. You wan't to change, to fit, but you will never be happy imitating someone you are not. Maybe some day you will meet someone with who you can be yourself. I'm still waiting for this day... It is what you did, but why you did it? Why do you want to die? Yeah, I have really fucked up thoughs about which I can't really speak with anyone. I don't know if this is normal or not. What I know is that some people tend to think more than others. They realise more and join facts and thats why they have 'other' thoughts. I don't know if this is your case though. Normal is boring. Do you really want to be friends with those specific people? Didn't it help atleast a little? Never managed to do anything. I'm just bouncing between good and bad all the time and it makes me really tired. If you can't learn maybe it is chemical imbalance? So am I. But the question is, what do we really search for?
i know how you feel. i like isolate myself alot. not all the time. but generally yea. i think you should get into kudalini yoga or energy work. it helps to tap into unresolved emotions. to reach the center core of you; happiness. I know it sucks being hurt, but sometimes we have to forgive and allow ourselves to heal. not destruction. Just know who you want be and where you want go. the universe will help you reach your goals. hope this helps
jeez. don't be so brutal on yourself for one. I don't do any of those physical things like bang my head, but I can feel those ways. I don't dwell on those feelings so long I encompass them though. Get therapy or smoke weed for the other shit.
