Hey guys, so little intense, but when I was a child about 6 years old my brother used to come in my room at night, make me take my clothes off and pretend to have sex with me. He was only 9 so it wasn't real sex and at the time I didn't understand what was really happening. This eventually stopped after about a year and I avoided thinking about it as I still didn't understand what had happened. When I was 11 I woke up to him touching me in my sleep - he would have been 14 at this time. I don't know how many other times he had done this, but that was the only time I knew of. My parents split and I haven't lived with him for many years so I've grown and matured sexually without him near, so I know I am safe from it all now. It doesn't seem to bother me the way it should but I don't know if it's because I choose to block that emotion out. About a year and a half ago I started having sex, not once have I ever enjoyed it and often it can be painful. It was originally with my boyfriend who I loved and enjoyed being close and playful with, I would get turned on and want to do it, but as soon as I was penetrated it was completely unenjoyable. We tried many times but I never enjoyed it. We've since broken up and I've had 2 partners since but I experienced the same thing with them. I even began crying after one for no real reason, which was extremely embarrassing. I don't know what to do, I don't want to dig up the past but I assume that's the reason why... I just want to enjoy sex but I don't know how.
I think the possible answer to the way your sexual experiences turned out is to broad. The sex could've been bad or unsatisfactory for any number of reasons, one of them being that perhaps your boyfriends didn't know what they were doing in the bedroom, or didn't engage you in enough foreplay. But you can also be correct in the fact that you blocked things out and it has created mental walls which effect how you mentally/emotionally approach sex with a lover. Like stopping you from feeling comfortable and relaxed during sex.
I wouldn't assume the two are related, especially since you become turned on with foreplay. I'd see a doctor to make sure your vagina is healthy.
Maybe the fact she has been previously touched by her brother has haunted her ever since in one way or another & sex now brings it all back from her past?
At 14 I was 'sexually abused' to put it lightly. I completely blocked it out and it wasn't until my previous sexual partner that I started becoming scared of sex and finding it hard to cope with these emotions. It actually came up during sex, I froze up in fear and had no idea why, he noticed this and instantly stopped and I broke down, he was then the first person I ever told about what had happened. I don't know why it took almost 6 years for me to have some kind of reaction to it during sex but it did... After that I could not have sex with him in this position (the one I froze in fear in) but was fine in any other, which I found strange too. I don't really know what to suggest but I agree with Aerianne that you should go see a doctor as I am unsure why sex would be painful unless it is a vaginal problem or maybe something subconscious. I would also get turned on, foreplay was fine, but it was only that one position I couldn't handle at all, it was uncomfortable and almost terrifying but out of all of my sexual partners, my previous/most recent one is the only person this has happened with, so I question whether something he did/said reminded me subconsciously of the events that happened 6 years ago. I don't know what to expect next time I have sex because its been a while and I have not had sex without anybody else since. I hope you can work something out so that you can move past it and enjoy sex. Unfortunately, sexual abuse is something that will follow you forever, but there are many ways to move on from it and I hope you are able to find one and do so, I know I am still trying but it has gotten easier (especially after 'confessing' to someone in real life, it was a weight off my shoulders).
That suggests he was copying it, learned from someone else That suggests there maybe a little more to it, not saying there has to be. The psychosomatic stuff is the real trippy stuff thats not immediately obvious when you hear others talk about it, this from MamaPeace an excellent example. Certain triggers; sights, sounds, smells, body position, which are all about muscle memory trigger memories from long ago that pop up seemingly out of nowhere. All a little bit trippy to wrap your head around. Be wary of therapists, you need one that has a brain and is actually interested in helping you, not one that is just going to try draw things out so you pay for more sessions, or get short with you cos they think they know everything. But as others have said, the two dont have to have anything to do with each other. You didnt say how young you were, but feelings of not being ready, scared of getting pregnant, or just not liking it that way may still have happened if none of this stuff with your brother had happened. Just cos you love your boyfriend doesnt mean you are going to be compatable sexually. And you mentioned your parents split, how much of that is a factor. As for your brother, if the early case was as you say, he was pretending to. Sounds like he got that from somewhere else. Only you know how it really went. Is he the villian? Or is there still something that doesnt quite add up. The earlier instance diferent to later on, later on its easier to see him as the villian, but that earlier instance, with whom did it actually all start? Do you really want to know? Or maybe you kind of know, but then that would mean ....ugh Anyhoo, there are parts to it you'll just have to work out yourself even if you are able to get the best therapist on the planet
It would be beneficial if you saw a psychiatrist or sex therapist to get you past these molestation issues. Don't be afraid of doing this - it wasn't your fault, and it will help you have a satisfactory sex life.
^^^I agree. I have experience with someone who was abused in HS and she has major problems with intercourse, and in fact, all sex. Intercourse is very painful for her. It's not always that way, but probably 99 percent of the time it is. She's gone to therapy for some of her issues, but not for the sexual issues and I don't believe she wants to pursue it. It's sad, really, because she misses out on so much that she could experience in terms of intimacy and sexually. A good therapist can help anyone get past this. The fact that you shared this with us (total strangers) tells me that you're serious about fixing this issue. My advice is to pursue it as far as you want. You can only improve your quality of life. In fact, you owe it to yourself and to those you love (don't make yourself feel guilty after reading this statement). Life is meant to be experienced.
