Article im writing in serious need of aid

Hey Im writing this peice on someone I admire ,and how i got into tham. I chose George harrison, so will you guys please let me know What you think I really need feedback.

George Harrison. The name is steeped inside me. Where it appeared
from, when this shocking revelation happened, you ask? Well trying
to pinpoint the moment is like trying to trap within your grasp, a
dream.
>
> I was very unfortunate to be born In the year 1988. It wasnt until
I was 13 years old that, I was introduced to George Harrison. It was
November 29th 2001, and I sat on the sofa in the loft. The room was
dark, sombre even, and the amosphere was anticipating sorrow. I was
alone in the loft, my father the only other person in the house was
upstairs. I sat unaware that the pivot of my life as i knew it was
approaching..I changed the station, surfing through 1 million
parallel universes, before arriving at my destination. Sky news. It
was 7.23pm, and Although not an ardent fan of Sky news, something
about the brown eyed, lightly tanned face, that greeted me intruiged
me. 'George Harrison, age 58 died today of Cancer' My pulse
quickened, and my plams became sweaty. 'He was in the process of
making 'Brainwashed' a long anticipated album, among Harrison fans.'
What had come over me? I had hardly known of this man's existence,
yet my lids filled up with tears, soft prickly tears, for him,
> I knew somthing was happening to me. Somehting about his crooked
smile, which he shared far to rarely, and his mennacing eyes
appealed to me. 'MY sweet lord, oh my lord..' His voice sounded from
the television, as tears slowly trickled down my face. He had
created such beauty and now he was gone. My heart tightened as The
face of his son and wife were transmitted onto my screen. He had
left behind so much, why did it have to happen to him? He was so
young. I had never felt this depth of emotion for anyone, let alone
a musician. But somehting in my mind's eye told me, he was so much
more than a musician, as time was sure to tell me.
>
> I made my first George Harrison purchase 'All things must pass',
and upon inserting the shiny metallic disc into my CD player, My
world spun around me. Everything I had thought significant
disintegrated into nothing. His words struck me somewhere that had
lay dormant for so long. I felt like a new born baby opening her
eyes for the first time, and seeing the beauty of the world in all
its burning colours. Thus begun a long and intimate relationship
that time could never break. I saw him as a beautiful butterfly, who
had somehow been let in on lifes secrets. He sung with such wsdom,
that was far beyond his years. He was who I wanted to be. He was
everything I had searched for.
>
> George influenced every aspect of my life for years to come; One
million smiles all for him, one million tears cried in his memory,
cracked fingers and endless nights of 'For You blue' on the guitar,
A constant headache for my parents, and In the words of Freddie
Mercury, 'Somebody to love'. George Showed me that it was alright to
be yourself, not to let the materialism of the world overcome me. He
gave me my faith, my religion. Being raised in a staunchily caholic
religion that I had never been happy with, was one custom George
freed me from. But most of all, somthing so simple, yet devine,
somehting I will thank him for for all my life: He gave me his song.
>
> BY CIARA

 

The importance of openings can't be overstressed. You have one but I think you can do better. Remember, because of their brevity, it's easy to experiment. Why not write three or four of them and then choose the best? The body of the piece is pretty good. Just avoid too much dramatization as in 'the atmosphere was anticipating sorrow.' It's a solid draft. Now- write on!

 

Thanks Kidder, still lots of work to do on it Ill take your comments on board

 

I love it! It makes someone who didnt listen to him before, want to go and be with his spirt!
Well done^_^

 

Thanks Blind Melon, and i REALLY REALLY recomend you listen to him, lol hes in my signature i love him so much

 

Oh dont worry about me listening to him, I allready do! But my brother (who listens to rap) thought it would be cool to run up to my room and grab a copy^__^

 

Lol so your brother liked my article? Lol my work here is done

 

Sorry for the delay...
Computer blew, phones went out, and we've suffered the death of a young friend.
Life goes on.

CRIT:

George Harrison. The name is steeped inside me.

>Where it appeared from, when this shocking revelation happened, you ask?
Well trying to pinpoint the moment is like trying to trap within your grasp, a dream.<

[Don’t ask the reader a question ver batim. Let the text form the question in the readers mind, i.e., “…trying to pinpoint the moment…”, “…when this shocking revelation happened…”, “…like trying to trap within your grasp, a dream…”. Prod the reader into asking “why?”.
The concepts expressed are emotionally charged- so don’t express them so rigidly. Let the words flow as the feelings do.
You have a hook- now set it.]



> I was very unfortunate to be born In the year 1988. It wasnt until
I was 13 years old that, I was introduced to George Harrison.<

[This is one sentence.]


 It was November 29th 2001, and I sat on the sofa in the loft. The room was dark, sombre even, and the amosphere was anticipating sorrow. I was
alone in the loft, my father the only other person in the house was
upstairs. I sat unaware that the pivot of my life as i knew it was
approaching..I changed the station, surfing through 1 million
parallel universes, before arriving at my destination. Sky news. It
was 7.23pm, and Although not an ardent fan of Sky news, something
about the brown eyed, lightly tanned face, that greeted me intruiged
me. 'George Harrison, age 58 died today of Cancer' My pulse
quickened, and my plams became sweaty. 'He was in the process of
making 'Brainwashed' a long anticipated album, among Harrison fans.'
What had come over me? I had hardly known of this man's existence,
yet my lids filled up with tears, soft prickly tears, for him,
> I knew somthing was happening to me. Somehting about his crooked
smile, which he shared far to rarely, and his mennacing eyes
appealed to me. 'MY sweet lord, oh my lord..' His voice sounded from
the television, as tears slowly trickled down my face. He had
created such beauty and now he was gone. My heart tightened as The
face of his son and wife were transmitted onto my screen. He had
left behind so much, why did it have to happen to him? He was so
young. I had never felt this depth of emotion for anyone, let alone
a musician. But somehting in my mind's eye told me, he was so much
more than a musician, as time was sure to tell me.<

 [This lacks drama. “It was a grim setting, I heard the news, and I felt bad.”
 There’s no mystery- we all know he died. The attempt at foreshadowing is misplaced.
 You describe your physical reaction to the news. Now tell the reader how you felt- describe the undescribable.]
>
> I made my first George Harrison purchase 'All things must pass',
and upon inserting the shiny metallic disc into my CD player, My
world spun around me. Everything I had thought significant
disintegrated into nothing. His words struck me somewhere that had
lay dormant for so long. I felt like a new born baby opening her
eyes for the first time, and seeing the beauty of the world in all
its burning colours. Thus begun a long and intimate relationship
that time could never break. I saw him as a beautiful butterfly, who
had somehow been let in on lifes secrets. He sung with such wsdom,
that was far beyond his years. He was who I wanted to be. He was
everything I had searched for.<

[This belongs BEFORE you’re reaction to his death. It will help build drama and evoke empathy for the author, by allowing the reader to gain a better understanding of the depth of her reaction.]


 George influenced every aspect of my life for years to come; One
million smiles all for him, one million tears cried in his memory,
cracked fingers and endless nights of 'For You blue' on the guitar,
A constant headache for my parents, and In the words of Freddie
Mercury, 'Somebody to love'. George Showed me that it was alright to
be yourself, not to let the materialism of the world overcome me. He
gave me my faith, my religion. Being raised in a staunchily caholic
religion that I had never been happy with, was one custom George
freed me from. But most of all, somthing so simple, yet devine,
somehting I will thank him for for all my life: He gave me his song.
>

 [Elaborate, please.}



 

Some of the words seem forced like "steeped", your use of it doesn't really make sense.

Also, I thought the article is supposed to be on George Harrison right? You have written about yourself, not alot about George Harrison in there.

 

This is probably too late but I'll write anyway.

First of all. I loved it. For the most part it read smoothly and you put a lot of your heart into it and when done right that can be a great thing.

A few things I noticed:
You spelt "something" wrong at least four times. Not a big deal. Spell-checker will catch that.

These two sentences didn't work for me:
"The name is steeped inside me."
"I sat unaware that the pivot of my life as i knew it was
approaching."

Both steeped and pivoted just didn't seem to work. They disrupted the flow. I got the feeling that you were forcing creativity when you put them in there. Your piece has enough emotion and description without them. Try and right something that is more "you." That will help the flow.

I see talent there. It read really nicely for me and I can be quite picky.

It was mentioned above that you wrote more about your experience finding Harrison than about the man himself. I'm assuming that this is ok for your assignment. Otherwise you might want to address this.

Good job. I hope you got a good grade.

Saje

 

Thanks Saje and Geck, it was a great great help, and as you im sure noticed I am an appaling speller, i have a slight case of dyslexia, something most people seem to think makes me stupid! The article wasnt about George Harrison actually somethingwitty, sorry if i didnt clarify that, It was basically just supposed to be about a pivotal point in my life. So I chose that one.

 

So how did you do? You were being graded on this weren't you?

 

Yeah I was being graded, i got an A+ THANKS SO MUCH

 

Good Job!