Please Help! Anxiety of higher consciousness? Will I ever be able to meditate?

I know this is a long one, but please read it. I will be very grateful.

I posted this first on Shroomery but I wanted to get a better perspective by posting here because all of these communities have great people, I hope this isn't an issue.

I started tripping on psychedelics quite recently, only did Truffles 3+ times and MDMA once, MDMA being the last thing I did. At least it was meant to be MDMA. I got interested in psychedelics after trying weed twice a few years ago and once last year. Until I did "MDMA" I was happy to trip on Truffles/Shrooms and wanted to do it weekly but after trying "MDMA" which made everything very clear and made me more aware I'm a bit worried.

Well to be honest I'm frightened to think about it. After my recent deep thinking experience and becoming more aware I'm even scared to deep think because it puts me in a different state after lots of thinking. Trip reports and insights can be very thought provoking and cause body trembling and the feeling of anxiety. To be honest this reminds me of a clip from What The Bleep Do We Know. I'm the circle in the 2D world!

Here's the video:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fOuXtONDAN0

I think the anxiety came from the "MDMA" when I questioned the point of living (the thought of this gives me the chills). I had an insight today that alcohol is meant to be brainwashing, but fuck me I don't even want to go into this thinking process.

I have to be honest with myself and say that I actually am scared. I always wanted to find out how people discover all of these clever things and how everything works, now it makes me wonder whether the famous people that discovered things had a higher consciousness. Nikola Tesla had plans for a teleportation machine, fuck me!

Random quote:

The infinite is possible!

I had to be honest to myself about being scared, frightened, and more, because I can't lie to myself. Come to think of it I never really lied to myself about things that worry me. I've realized today that lying to yourself is the worst shit you could do to yourself.

Will I ever be able to meditate without being scared that the higher consciousness will scare me?

I must say while writing this post I realized that I can't lie to myself and have to try and stop judging others, I want to live a happy and peaceful life and keep very good connections with those that I love, my family.

I'm getting body shakes at the time of writing this, feel cold and my right pupil became larger than the left.

I was thinking of trying social anxiety drugs as I find it hard to make new friends as I'm always quiet, have nothing to say or more truthfully don't know what to say. I'm not confident and feel smaller than most guys which makes me feel intimidated. I generally don't like most people too, I'm introverted.

I also screwed up my college and have so much to study hence I thought of trying stimulants to help me out a bit.

But I've been reading a lot and found that these drugs can cause a higher consciousness too and this scares me.

I've decided, and I am hoping that this will stick with me, I will do my best to no longer indulge in drugs, I may have some alcohol even though I never really liked it but that would only be for socializing and even then I will try to minimize my usage.

I don't know what else to say, I'd love to discover something. I got interested in psychedelics because I believed there's potential in them and that they can help a lot. I was hoping to use them to improve myself and maybe discover something. I know that life isn't all about money but without it you're pretty much doomed hence I want to be successful and rich to be honest.

Most important of all I want my family to be happy and safe.

I've also started believing in the law of attraction. Either way, I don't want to be scared because it's no fun.

I've got a book, called "Three Magic Words". How can I read it without being scared? I think it may have some real insight but insight is thought provoking and deep thinking puts me into a place where I feel huge anxiety.

Can anyone give any advice?

If you've got some time and wouldn't mind reading my other threads in which I explained some experiences, you might get a better understanding.

First time on something that was apparently MDMA

Was I about to experience non drug induced ego death? Or a higher consciousness?

Thank you very much and sorry for the long post.

PS. I feel so much better after creating this thread. I feel a bit like on the comedown of a mushroom trip.

I think I had a non drug induced mental trip...

 

why are you so scared of moving on to that of a higher consciousness? as you put it. nothing about you will change other than the ability to understand, i mean people say that ignorance is a bliss but i see it as "is it a bliss to be blind in a very bright world?" maybe im not understanding you quite right. are you afraid of death and what death means? or the inability to answer it, or is it your thoughts on the matter that frighten you?

 

Look from my altered perceptions it's like this:

I'm afraid that my new experiences will overwrite my old experiences like nothing else in my life has ever happened. I will have an experience that will transcend language to the extent that I will forget my current language and I will only know and express my experiences in a language that I have invented on my own and that only I will understand.

Guess what! It doesn't happen like that.

If you learn new words you don't forget the old ones? If you gain new experiences will you forget your old ones?

What every human has in common are the highs lows and middles that make us human. The middles more than others.

Also realize that humans are human and humans make mistakes including the chemist that you are getting your MDMA from. Common sense if you cannot pronounce it it doesn't belong in your body.

C/S,
Rev J

 

I just wanted to say that I feel much better today and looking at my post, there was no reason to swear, it looks quite immature now.

I'm not afraid of death, it's more the thoughts on the matter of life that scare me.

I'm in my early 20's and still have a long way, not that I'm not happy but knowing more than most people do makes me feel scared. In fact I am very emotional and it's not knowing more than what most people know that scares me but knowing more than my parents do. It makes me feel guilty, especially because I'm not the kind of person that would do drugs. I never had anything against them, in fact I was quite open minded and never really thought of drugs as a bad thing just because everyone else puts a bad label on it. But nevertheless it makes me feel guilty. Before the MDMA trip where things became clear I was very interested in gaining a higher consciousness, more awareness or a better understanding. But after questioning the point of life on that MDMA experience I got really scared though when I'm sober I know that there doesn't have to be a point in life, we're here to live and make the most out of it. I guess I may be worried that with the higher awareness I may experience the questioning of life and what the point of it is which will scare me. Or maybe I'm scared that I may change life for the worse...

I've never experienced ego death but after that MDMA experience I understood what it was. Before this I could not understand what ego death truly was but now I do without having to experience it.

It may also be that because all of this happened so fast it was overwhelming and since before I never really understood, never really had an understanding, I got frightened of it as it all hit me at once.

I've always been on about common sense and how a lot of people seem to not have it.

I'm an emotional person and very attached to my family, I want to live a happy and successful life and the thought of a higher awareness makes me feel like I may be obligated to do something about it. I want to live life like most humans that strive for success do but at the same time I've always been curious, very curious about life. I think I'm worried that by knowing more I will become more peaceful (not that this is a bad thing) but more peaceful in a way where I won't strive to achieve wealth in life that will make living in this world much easier. Instead I will be happy to just go about life and make enough just to live a small life, not that this is a bad thing but I've always had the big picture in my mind.

I know I am going off track right now but I also started believing in the law of attraction, our thoughts build us and our experiences. That's not the best explanation, I've had a better one but I didn't write it down. Maybe I'm worried that my thoughts will go bonkers somewhere down the line while knowing all of this.

I feel so much better by writing this. I guess maybe I needed someone to listen to me. Maybe I need guidance from the experienced.

Also, I don't want to become depersonalized, that would really ruin everything and I've read of people becoming depersonalized.


I'd like to thank both of you for replying to this thread, it means a lot to me.

 

Drugs do have their own spirit. According to their character, they may demand a toll like playing trickster games, or mirroring back your own attitude.

Higher consciousness, on the other hand, does not, and is nothing to be feared.

For now, it seems like anxiety is what you got ... take it, appreciate it as tool and work with it ... slow down and let go the chase. Don't fear to be scared.

As for a higher awareness (I believe) there's no limitation as to how to get through ... which may help you feel like you've got plenty of time to work with what's in front of you.

I hope this makes sense !

 

Well it sounds like a bad trip to me. I only had one of those in my life and it was when I mixed LSD with alcohol. Your trip reminds me of an underground cartoon I read when I was a kid. There was a hippy tripping by the road side he was getting ecstatic because he was reaching a higher consciousness. He finally felt like he knew all of the answers when suddenly a red neck yells out his car window, "Hey you dirty hippy you just pissed yourself." I am not trying to insult anyone here I have had my share of trips (which I quit doing over 20 years ago). It is just if you take yourself to seriously the cosmic Ho ho is gonna bite you where the sun don't shine. Plus I do not recommend mixing psychedelics with alcohol.

You come face to face with your ego when you trip and often the quality of your trip depends on how well you get along with yourself and the world around you.

 

meditating can take time and patience. remember there is nothing to fear. hypnosis will help you. it will change your life.

 

To be honest I don't really know. I think it's more the fear of what it will be like afterwards. I actually enjoy life even though there's not much going on. It's more the fear of what I will be after this life. I would hate for it to be worse then it is here.

It does. Thank you.