I'm on the verge of something, but I need your advice

Since I moved to Spain, I've been single, amost 9 months now, not just single but haven't had sex
The girls here are beautiful but very different to British girls.

Anyway I feel I'm stuck in the friend zone not just with one, but with all.
Guys here are very affectionate and macho, and I think I'm lacking confidence or something.

Because of bad childhood experiences (abused) I feel I've got a block around sexual attraction or something. I'm holding onto pain and anger and although I can chat to girls and occasionally get their number, I feel like they sense my pain and lack of confidence and dismiss me, or just decide oh I can practise my English with him but don't see him as more. (i'm tall, skinny, ok looking, dress ok, wash, smell nice, there's nothing glaringly obviously wrong with my appearance)

This may sound a bit corny but I need to do some kind of sexual healing. I think once I've tapped into my true confidence I will be able to get romantic with a girl, have sex or find a girlfriend, but right now I'm just at the door.

For example if I see a couple on a Friday night kissing, or getting frisky, or in the park in summer, (Madrid can be a very horny place) I find it a turn on but then feel naughty or dangerous and it's a feeling that strikes to my core, like it's illicit and I should be punished for feeling turned on.

The language barrier isn't a problem as my Spanish level is intermediate but also, I know other English guys and girls that have maybe 10 words in Spanish and they have still found gfs or bfs.

If any of you have had similar experiences can you suggest a way to build confidence or learn to relax when it comes to feeling sexy?
I'm feeling a bit frustrated and depressed and I know those 2 feelings are part of the problem. It feels like a catch 22 situation.


I've found people here to be supportive and positive so I'd really appreciate your thoughts.
BTW, I know people mean well when they say 'Be yourself' but right now be yourself to me feels like be depressed and frustrated, as this feeling with sexual attraction has been a deep-seated issue going back to my childhood. I need to change to become the best 'myself'

¡Muchísima gracias!

 

I think just recognizing that there isn't anything wrong with you is the most important place to start. You have had a nasty history, at an impressionable age, where things tend to stick with you. What you are going through is completely normal. You could even argue that they are, or were, healthy functions of defense; and now, you know you are ready to move on.

But you aren't going to find a miracle cure. You are going to have to be patient with yourself. Maybe you'll find someone to be patient with you. Maybe you'll have many partners on your journey of healing. But you're going to have to stay strong; because these issues didn't just come out of nowhere, and they aren't just going to disappear, either.

I don't have much to say regarding the practical matters, sorry. But pat yourself on the back, because you've already come a long way. And strap your boots, because there are many trails ahead.

 

Thanks that's cool, yeah you're right there's no quick cure. I try and read out some positive affirmations everyday, about confidence and happiness and success and I suppose compared to a year ago, I'm less shy, so maybe I should for now, recognise how far I've come rather than just being frustrated with feeling I;m getting nowhere.

I know as soon as I stop worrying & thinking about this all the time it won't be an issue, but it feels impossible to turn off being lonely and craving a girls affections.
Thanks for listening,

 

i'm not even convinced that's true. pretty much everybody knows that's terrible advice; i think guys saying that are just trying to sabotage the competition, and girls saying it are trying to protect their fellow women from being tricked into dating someone who is gullible enough to take such advice.

 

seeing a therapist might be a good idea for you

I don't know if they've got them in spain, but in some places their are legal sexual surrogates that have sex with you as part of therapy

 

Well, once I'm with a girl I like, although nervous the first time, I can have sex, and the number of women I've slept with is pretty normal for a guy my age, I think. It's more the before sex bit, that's a problem.
I have thought about therapy again, but the counseling type /psychotherapy. I did it for 2 1/2 years, dealing with the abuse issues, and I've got to the point in my life where I'm working a decent job and have many good friends, I'm just getting nowhere romantically.
I recently saw an ad for erotic massage and considered it, but then I feel like that is almost like prostitution and I don't want to be a guy that pays for contact with a woman it might be nice for a night, but will that actually help my confidence in the long run? Knowing me I'd probably use it in my head to beat myself up.

Thanks for your input, maybe I should view it differently, if I did have some sexual contact with a woman (paid) maybe I'd stop worrying about it and I'd be out of the catch 22.

 

I think be yourself means try not to be something your not. I see a lot of guys put on an act, that's not really them, and girls sense that and get turned off.

Be yourself means you're comfortable with who you are, and you dont have to pretend. But don't be yourself too much, like it's probably not a good idea to tell a girl you just met about your extensive porn collection.

 

Huh??

That's what I'd recommend. At least you could get it off your mind and relax a little. After 9 months with no action, the girl wouldn't be able to walk after I was done with her

 

sexual surrogates aren't quite the same as prostitutes.

with a hooker, you might just pay for a list of sex acts from a menu at different prices

with a sexual surrogate, there's a plan for how the sexual contact is going to help you deal with your issues


I don't know all of the details.

more on the subject

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexual_surrogate

 

This is kind of complex. Alot of times the "confidence" that people seem to show is really both denial and embodiment of their insecurities.

So your self-analytic honesty is a strength that can hold you back a little bit if you let it.

Get "comfortable in your own skin"

 

You're putting the onus on yourself for being fucktastic, and none on the women you meet.

How do these women there strike you? Are they confident enough to take the initiative toward you? How do they make their living? Leaving all politically correct censorship aside, would they actually entertain you with anything other than their bodies? What about the guys they choose...don't they seem like a sexploitation B-movie version of a father figure?

Maybe you're not sexy. In which case, I don't see the point in feeling sexy. In a lunatic asylum, there are a lot of people who feel themselves to be lots of things that they are not: Napoleon, Caesar, Madonna. I doubt you envy them...

I would recommend a hooker. A lot of the cravings for female validation that I see guys have seem to me just thinly veiled sexual inhibition. You may find that, after a good experience with a hooker, you love being single after all. And you may realize that the joke is on the super-confident macho guys who end up putting their dicks in a box and footing every bill for them.

 

Looks like another one who sees it my way

 

It's not that it's not advice that doesn't have a grain of truth in it. It's just the terminology of "be yourself" is super vague generic reply. So yes the advice is bad, but I say it's bad because of that reason alone.

Telling someone who naturally has a creepy personality or way of flirting, isn't going to benefit from the advice of "just be yourself". In fact it's laughable.

 

OK, I've decided definitely not paying for sex.
It simply doesn't deal with the problem I have.

I can see it now more like an addiction or easy way out. Hey I need help to relax, oh why not take up heroine.
And dressing it up as therapy so it's acceptable to some middle class mindset isn't gonna fly either.

I've known two girls, friends, in my life that have at some point worked as prostitutes and both had been abused as children. The idea I can deal with my abuse issues by perpetuating someone elses is nuts.

Today I've been feeling very bitter and my head has been going round in circles with all the things I hate here, but the thing is my anger is not towards Spain it all comes from my Dad, yet I just want to blame everyone around me.

I looked up counselling, but it's prohibitively expensive here, even the cheap rate is €60 for 50 mins. Bare in mind I'd have to do it in English as my Spanish isn't good enough to really express everything.

I'm interested to hear other suggestions but prostitution is a no.
Thanks

 

I'm not biting, young buck.

Fair enough. That was all I had. Good luck.

 

Correct me if I’m wrong, but the main problem you presented was that you needed to get laid. Working on your “issues” is simply a means to help you obtain your end goal… sex.

You’re right, sex is not going to solve your issues... but it will help ease your mind while you work on them.

Great. You’ve known 2 former prostitutes. Clearly that’s enough of a sample size to reach the conclusion that the other millions of pros were also abused .

I just love all the crazy rationale guys will come up with as to why they refuse to pay directly for sex. They’re supporting sex trafficking, abuse, etc., etc. Guys will pay through the ass on drinks, dinners and dates just for an opportunity to fuck a girl, but will still scoff at the notion of paying a prostitute.

There are no other suggestions. We gave you an easy option to help you out. No one is going to be able to tell you how to fix your mental issues. That’s going to take a lot of time and work on your end (perhaps with professional assistance). If you want help getting laid, we can assist with that. But no one is going to be able to give you psychiatric/medical advice.

 

It sounds like he wants more than sex actually based on more recent responses.

I agree that if a man's intentions is simply to get laid, that paying a prostitute for sex is cheaper and more efficient. But once the intentions of the man change, I don't think it a fair analogy to make paying for the services of a prostitute akin to the money spent on taking a girl out on a date.

The latter implies you generally want to get to know and evaluate the girl for more than sexual purposes (usually within a vanilla context in the serial-monogamous majority).

The OP needs to clarify what he wants.

 

I suppose you could try an on-line dating service

maybe something along the lines of asking for friendship and maybe dating. if you feel comfortable explaining that you have an abuse history and that you are having trouble connecting, it might help you to find someone who understands and that you can connect to

most people who use on-line dating are just looking for superficial qualities it seems, so I don't know if you would have a lot of responses

on the other hand, there are a lot of women who have abuse histories who might be understanding and looking for someone who can be understanding in turn

you might also try looking into group therapy or maybe a support group. this is often much cheaper

hope that things can get better soon!

 

I want to be able to pull a girl,
I want her to want me not my money
I'd like a girlfriend but until I meet the right girl I'd like to play around.

BTW, I'm not saying all prostitutes are abused, literally what I said was the 2 I have known were, if you want to find out the real percentage look it up, but I get the impression you'd rather stay in the dark.
I think this thread is just going to decend into arguing about whether or not prostitution is OK.

So, thanks for all your input, but as xxaru and others have said, it's gonna take a long time or professional help.

Lets leave it there

 

True. But look at focus of the very first sentence he wrote.

That to me is about longing for female contact. I'm sure he does want a relationship, but it's evident that he's desiring some action.