Is having doubts bad? (cause of some stressful situations)

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by ally34, Feb 28, 2013.

  1. ally34

    ally34 Guest

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    hey my bf and i are both 22yrs old and we have been together for just over 4 yrs. he treats me well and is very respectful. i was his first gf, while i had an ex in high school who was a player and was a short 5 months relationship and nothing serious. now within 4 yrs we've obviously had our disagreements over things such as me wanting him to stand up for me in certain situations, not feeling he picks up dinners as much as should/money, and regular couple things. also lately the last 2 times ive gone over ive been yelled at by his sister for something i never said (she screwed around wat i said to someone else!) and she tries to make me look bad to their family. 2nd time i got an unwelcomed feeling at his house and basically told to leave cause his sister was mad at me and left unfeed w/ no dinner. we also have some cultural differences but nothing major jsut how we were raised.
    i still love him to death and these are little things we both put aside of differences.
    hes always toldl me how much he wants to marry me, gave me a beautiful crystal promise ring, sais he wants to have kids with me and use my favourite baby name, and ive always said this back. just lately what happened with his sister cause a lot of stress on me and i even told him i cant imagine her being my sister in law if she talks like this to me now and told him im scared to marry now. ive been told things like "explore, meet/date new guys, have fun" etc but never gave much thought..

    lately ive been thinking if hes really the one for me kind of and if i really am committing and settling too young and if im leading him on? or is it just the stress lately from the sister? i dont want to have these doubts before we get married or anything. am i leading him on or just stressed?

    anyone else ever question there relationship when its been long term like mine?? basically i want to knowo if this feeling is normal, which has come up before but quickly fades and 90% of the time id say i want to marry him to and have a healthy relationship. any advice or anyone had similar feelings?
     
  2. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

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    I think those feelings are normal, and it's quite common for couples to have trouble with their "in-laws". That dynamic has been the stuff of stand up comedy routines for years.

    But what specifically happened with your bf's sister, I would like to know the whole story before I feel any accurate advice can be given.


    With the picking up of dinner tabs thing, that can be easily resolved. Just split the bill 50/50 to resolve that drama, also if money is a problem given the bad economic times go on dates that aren't so costly but are more intimate and focused on time-shared together. (play a board game, watch a home movie and microwave some popcorn)


    Also describe what is happening between your boyfriend and you specifically, without any of the other aspects involved like his family.

    In regards to all the lovey-dovey talk, about marriage and family, be pragmatic about the reality of what that entails.

    You guys are in your early 20's, and is that dream of getting married and settling down with kids something that you have the finances to pull off or is it just a nice wistful fantasy for now? Did you mean it when you said it back?

    With a decision like that do NOT rush into it, you need to be logical and honest with topics like that they're monumental for both you and any child that would come into existence from you two.
     
  3. lively_girl

    lively_girl Member

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    The attitude your bf's sister has towards you is based in their relationship first and foremost.

    How are they going along? Is she jealous of you? It could be that their relationship changed recently and she is blaming you.
     
  4. ally34

    ally34 Guest

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    monkjr..thats what we tried to do but didnt work out cause was both valentines day and his bday so caused confused
    without aspects of his sister and family we have been good prior.. however wats been going on with his sister has such a huge effect on me i havent been acting normal to him and cant seem to be ok with him when feeling so unwelcomed at his house last 2 months since shes been extra mean towards me.
    and id say its both a dream of ours to have kids later and get married, just no time super soon (cause school and finances) .. and yes i meant it when i said it back, i believe the doubts have come mostly from his sisters relationship towards me and people previously saying to "explore and date others" which i never listen :)

    lively girl - lately they havent been getting along well because of this..but beforehand they have always just acted like typical brother and sister disagreements but good relationship still. ahh yes my best friend thinks she jealous of mee :/
     
  5. Duck

    Duck quack. Lifetime Supporter

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    Doubts are normal. In-laws (and possible future in-laws) always suck. But there seems to be more under the surface of your question.

    Are you happy?
    Do you feel like something is missing in your relationship?
    Do you feel like he is choosing his family over you?
     
  6. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    Generally, yes I think 22 is too early to commit. Especially given you two have been together 4 years already, and haven't had the chance to really "study" men. That is not to say that early marriages don't work....they do.....but statistically it's not as frequently as those marriages with couples that have waited.

    The sister needs to be shut down regardless about whether you are having doubts or not. She is overstepping her place, and the only way to deal with people like that is to calmly and firmly say "zip it".

    Your bf sounds very sweet, as do you. There's a lot of good things in your relationship. Maybe it is meant to be forever, but there's no risk in waiting.
     
  7. xxaru

    xxaru Guru of Porn

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    Birthday trumps Valentines day. V-day is an overrated holiday to begin with. But if that’s your only problem, that you expected him to pay and go all out for you on Valentines day (which just happens to be his Birthday) then you seriously have your priorities fucked up.

    Valentines day is not just about guys going all out for a girl to make her feel like the most special person in the world. That’s what a lot of girls have morphed it to be about in their minds. It should be about showing love and appreciation for the one(s) you love, and that goes BOTH WAYS, not just man to woman.

    So you should be going DOUBLY all out for him on Valentine’s day since it’s also his birthday! Yes, he should do a little something for you as well. But you shouldn’t get your panties in a wad if you have to take a step back off your princess mentality that one day and go all out for him, because it’s not all about you!! And if you have too much of an ego to share the spotlight by dating someone who's birthday happens to fall on Valentine's day, then perhaps you shouldn't be together.

    I agree 100% with what Monkjr said earlier. I'll simply add that If you get married will you be moving in/living with his sister? If not, then who gives a fuck what she thinks. It’s not like you’re going to have to constantly be around her.
     
  8. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

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    Have you ever outright confronted the sister with the boyfriend (her bro) present and just flat out ask why she's been so cruel to you?

    Just have a straight up talk to address the problem head on, rather than having passive aggressive moments with his family (looks, awkward pauses in socializing with his family).

    This may not work but at least you can say you tried to mend a problem.

    And it's very important that you don't get into a mad tirade when you attempt to do this "family meeting", just focus on the exasperation created by all this drama and keep that your main focus to get the elephant in the room addressed.

    ----
    I'd also like to say that just because a couple is "engaged" doesn't necessarily mean the marriage has to happen super fast after becoming fiancees.

    My parents happened to have dated for 10 years, got engaged, and then stayed that way for an additional 4 years before said ceremony commenced.
     
  9. Mike Suicide

    Mike Suicide Sweet and Tender Hooligan

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    Yes doubts can be bad especially if you considering marriage and dedicated the next 3-5 years of your life this person.
     
  10. Lina876

    Lina876 Member

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    duck - 90% of time id say im happy, lately the stress with his sister has been making things worse for me. i dont feel anything is missing, i just think sometimes i question if we will last forever and if i should be dating "exploring" however i dont believe in trying to meet someone else that matches up to him.. its just what so many people have told me how im young to commit. i dont feel hes choosing his family over me cause hes tried to stand up for me to his sister. last text was sorry for ignoring you i want to move on and have a civil relationship. i take that as a friendship hardly there and she will still dislike me but not ignore me..

    calgirl- i realize we have meet eachother young but we dont plan on getting married at an early age.. we want to get masters and pay off school and be stable before hand
    what do you mean by, Maybe it is meant to be forever, but there's no risk in waiting. ?

    xxaru- that hadnt been the only problem we have had various little things throughout the years..but yeah theres some truth to that, well i expected a nice dinner for vday and he expected for vday..we ended up splitting.. its just in 5 yrs ive never got an official valentines day dinner..and yeah im starting to not care what she thinks anymore and focus on me and my bf..true i wont be living with her ever
     
  11. Lina876

    Lina876 Member

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    monkjr- yes i have done that when i arranged us to meet and talk with him there to mediate the situation and she ended up sarcastically saying sorry and was very insincere.. it turned out bad and nothing got resolved. but im going to try not to obsessive and worry cause im starting to think she loves the attention of me and my bf trying to talk to her and make things better. shes not even talking or making any effort. as for a family meeting at there house, ive tried to do that too when she was on her way home and i literally got told by his mother to leave as my bf and i were making dinner and about to watch a movie..and felt kicked out and unwelcomed with no dinner or movie :/ the mom said shes going to lock herself in her room and for me to leave, omg. anyways i clearly dont want to go for a long while back over now and dont feel like being hospitable to him over my house.

    and yeah for suree, i agree.. i dont see a problem with that either..however my bf and i agreed it probably wont happen for a while until financially stable working and paid off school

    mike suicide- i know, i dont like these doubts ive been having.

    basically as a general note, i was crying to him told telling him im unsure and worried the future,..asking why so many people i know dont get past 4 yrs, etc and how im worried to get married cause sister and all this and he jsut kept reassuring me he loves me and wants me forever.. i told him i feel so guilty that hes so commited to me and i have doubts and he kept reassuring that hes knows im upset with how things were with sister, and things hes been that have added up and how hes going to change them, loves me and wants me forever.. i just hate these doubts and how he has none ever about me i feel so horrible.
    also when he was over and no one was home, i know he wanted to have sex and i told him i dont want to how ive been feeling. i also had told him before i dont want to have sex as long as i feel this way. (been a week so far, but yea) the problems started to get worse from issue with sister but there otherwise problems /issues throughout the years that havent felt changed.. but hes been soo patient and understanding, i just hate how ive been feelingnow he keeps calling and saying how he knows what im thinking and its scaring him (as in breakup) and my comments like why couples breakup etc.. i just told him i need some space.. i dont know what to do anymore :( he loves me soo much, i just am hurting him and myself being so confused and unsure and telling him all this.
     
  12. calgirl

    calgirl Senior Member

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    take some time. Tell him time will not hurt anything....it'll help. He needs reassurance as you figure out why you're unsure.
     
  13. xxaru

    xxaru Guru of Porn

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    This is stupid. You’re the one sabotaging your own damn relationship here. You’re having some doubts, ok fine. But you’re talking up those doubts in your head and also expressing them towards your bf, saying you’re unsure about the future, holding out on sex, etc. It’s as if you’re looking for a way out of the relationship. So just go on a break until you can make up your mind about what you want. I don’t think it’s fair to string someone along who’s 100% committed to you when you’re “unsure” about things.

    And about the V-day dinner… I don’t know what you expect, but you’re acting childish. Why can’t you do for him on his B-day? He can give you your V-day dinner the following day. Or you can alternate each year. He takes you out on V-day one year and you make it up to him by going all out for his B-day the next day. It’s really not that complicated, unless everyone just wants to act spoiled and entitled.

    I’d like to know what the other “little problems” are, cause if they’re that petty then you guys just need to grow up!
     
  14. Lina876

    Lina876 Member

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    thanks calgirl- i have told him these issues and things over the years and hes understanding towards them

    xxaru- we have talked since and ive discussed things bothering me, i dont want to get into minimal things over the years on here now but hes willing to change and work on them, such as the paying issues, standing up for me to people, etc small stuff. but then there are personal aspects of my bf and our family structures and cultures that i dont want to get into really for privacy and the fact that this site doesnt let me delete. ugh but yea, i dont want out of the relationship, i want to make things work. we have talked and i exampled my doubts
    with vday, yeah we agreed next year to do that and seperate the 2
     
  15. xxaru

    xxaru Guru of Porn

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    Ok, great. But in a relationship I think things should even out. You can’t just expect the guy to throw all his money around on you while you give nothing back in return.

    If you go to dinner he pays one time, then you pay the next time. If you go to the movies and he buys the tickets, then you buy the popcorn/snacks. It can’t be all take, take, take… he’s the guy so he has to pay for me all the time attitude.
     
  16. Lina876

    Lina876 Member

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    i know i agree.. i actually feel ive been too giving cause i always drop free gift cards on him my mom gets from work and he doesnt seem to appreciate them. but yeah in general we try to do that..but yeah i certainly dont expect him to pay always
     
  17. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

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    Umm no actually I disagree with this specific method of splitting up the cost of a bill.

    Because the price of what each (meal, movie, etc..) is going to be won't actually be equal and there's potential for these little nit-picky details to be brought up in a rough part of a relationship. One party always over time ends up feeling entitled to something because they feel they've given "more" to a relationship than their partner, that detail once said in the heat of an argument makes things worse.

    Instead I think certain things need to be taken off the table as things that are necessary to communicate love and affection. Expenses for things for the children is a good example of this. (includes shelter)

    Any leftover cash can be pooled and used for luxurious things and outings (chocolate, flowers, movies, and clothes) and there should be an agreed budget that both parties contribute too and draw from for these things since both benefit from it. This budget will naturally shrink due to current events of any given time such as economics, and thus any decrease or lack of fancy dates can be blamed on low funds given circumstances, not lack of attention or true affection.

    If both parties are working, each contributes 15% of their paycheck each a month into this pool. If one party works, than they contribute that same amount of income the fund, but the other stay at home party could derive their monetary worth for fun times for the upkeep of the house. Each task (dinner, necessity shopping like food, would be represented by an agreed upon price for money in the pool by the cost of labor of housework) from the breadwinner's paycheck.

    If nobody works, then I guess simple cuddling around the living quarters will have to do for dates, and both parties should respect that and not blame each other.


    Relationship economics and customs cannot be dogmatic. I have dropped girls like hot rocks if they can't level with me on this.
     
  18. Lina876

    Lina876 Member

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    well just to start the way we have been doing it is for things such as movies and dinners we usually pay our own way unless theres reason to treat one another or sometimes hes wants to be a gentleman and pay or i want to cover dinner, either way.
    as for your suggestion, we are both full time students right now.. with that being said i never expect him to always cover or he doesnt expect me to
    you idea sounds good and could certainly work for some..just my bf and i have always agreed to have a joint bank account when married in which of course we wont waste eachothers money but trust each other enough to have joint
     
  19. xxaru

    xxaru Guru of Porn

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    ^^^ Yes, you're right. That's a much more full proof way of evening out things :).
     
  20. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

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    Ya know, I get mixed reactions from some people when I mention this method or solution to the money issue within relationships.

    It's a great topic if you can spin it right, and if your audience is high or drunk sometimes they're like 0_0 Dude that makes so much sense bro you're like a genius.

    But others hate it, usually golddiggers, but it's one of my filters to get quality women as partners.

    ---
    As for special occasions, I'd probably add-on to the suggestion that the significant other, can by their own free will spend a bit extra from their own personal money for (birthdays, anniversaries), in addition to what is normally taken from the "relationship pot o'gold" (that's what I'm calling it now) but it should be clearly acknowledged that that was their own choice.

    Still where the 'true romantic gesture' lies in the form of "effort" spent by the guy or girl in how they take their significant other out in terms of special meaning or symbolism used to make the night special. Those things don't have to cost lots of $ at all, it's just a matter of paying attention to their fav. flower, fav. color, fav. place to eat (meal), symbolic place you've met or talked about going to, an inside joke), or noticing that your partner was wearing ___ that you might've gotten them from a previous special occasion like Christmas.

    As for you Lina, I'm meh on the joint-bank account thing as a general rule for couples. I think it holds to much potential to damage one's credit score; especially if one or both have taken out student loans, which you cannot declare bankruptcy on.

    In many ways I think joint-bank accounts condemn people to poverty that need not be there had they not had a joint-bank account. But if this works for you, great, I'm just speaking generally. This goes for married couples as well.

    I can't tell you how many times I've heard of a relationship falling apart nastily, and then one partner DRAINED a joint-bank account before thus filing a restraining order on their partner.
     

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