Is having doubts bad? (cause of some stressful situations)

I think you are just worrying too much about what other people think.

Your relationship is part of the independent life you are building as a budding adult. It's your world - not theirs. Don't let them in so much if they only have negativity and darkness to bring.

 

Easier said than done if marriage is involved.

Because in-laws are the aunts and uncles of your potential children. You can't simply ignore them like you can cut off friends or acquaintances who sour.

 

But you don't have to live with them. Just visit on holidays and keep away the rest of the time. A lot of family don't even come around on holidays.

 

Still that's a physical technicality.

The bonds of family are still there and they linger and leave ripple effects even if not physically there nearby.

The stress of broken bridge immediate family relationships takes its toll over the long term. It's psychological and the angst tends to spillover into the relationship.

 

nonkjr- for suree i agree joint bank accounts arent for everyone and there needs to be a lot of trust.. i wouldnt do it unless were married but yeah something to think about & i like your idea as well!

duck - yeah i do worry a lot what others think.. im trying and always have tried not to listen to the exploring other options crap. in terms of what xxaru and monkjr .. i find it hard to feel that the sister doesnt like me and id have to deal with her the rest of my life and how shes trying to make things up for family not to like me..but hopefully she will one day stop ignoring me and making shit up to make me look bad.. but at the same time yes, im not living with her or needing to see her often i guess..even though its his sister and she will always be in his life.

why is it that theres always been so much drama and such and common for sister in laws not to like there brothers girlfriends? i dont really get it..why theres a joke behind that and happens a lot.. when my brother gets a girlfriend i want to treat her like gold now

very true monkjr thats how i feel- she will be the aunt of my children, she might want to babysit, pick them up after school etc i cant cut her off like a friend i dont like- i wouldnt want to do that..but i also dont want her nasty attitude towards my future children and them to be exposed to that. i hope we could have a good relationship though, i really do. i wouldnt want to ignore on holidays and stuff

but thank youu duck im going to try to not let her affect me as much as she has been affecting my relationship towards her brother.

 

Sure you can.

You decide their involvement in your child's life. You decide their involvement in your life.

Easier said than done if you're in a position where rely on your families, but of course a lack of independence is going to cut down your options..

 

@OP you know there's always hope the drama or discontent among family drama fades or becomes outdated after a few decades pass. Sometimes having kids bridges the gap as you see your kids and their cousins associate during gatherings.

Nothing is set in stone here.

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As for the why do sister in laws cause so much drama statement-question in contrast to other types of in-laws.

I don't think thats true, I think brother-in-laws, father or mother in-laws can cause just as much trouble but just in different ways, either direct or in-direct.

Women tend to defend or attack others through in-direct passive aggressive methods, like poisoning the well fallacy based gossip or taking and using of said personal item (outfit, accessory), or social outcasting/avoiding. (aka: silent treatment)

Guys will either throw a personal attack, up and leave, physically do something to vent frustration (violence acts, or sports, or video games, or some physical task to distract themselves).

So the drama with guys tends to resolve faster, but it is direct and doesn't stew.

 

Having decent inlaws is huge huge huge huge in having a happy marriage. On the other hand, anyone that is intrusive HAS to be shut down.

 

If the problem is only because of his sister, don't give up on him. If there are really things about him you aren't happy with... well, my advice would be not to marry. Little things become big things after years of living together.

It isn't easy. Hugs.