How do you know it's time to ask for divorce?

I'm going through difficult times, now. This is a very long post and I'll understand if nobody reads it. Sorry for posting, but I needed it.

I feel more and more dissatisfied in my relationship. I've been married since 1996. I love my husband. When you're in love, it is very difficult to "justify" divorce to yourself. Let alone justifying to the man you love and who loves you.

I'm starting this new thread, instead of using my other big thread. Don't know why not do it there, but I wanted to do it here. Just forgive me for that. I'm in such a state... I just need to talk. I just really, really need to talk. I need to think clearly, but my mind is so clouded... I know it's pitiful, pathetic, but I really, really have nowhere else to talk.

I wanna tell you a little about me. I'm a woman, 43 years old. I'm fit and most people find me beautiful. I have a good job and make good living. I have a doctorate and still work in the academics.

I love classical music and can play it myself. I also love traveling, diving and hiking.

At home, I'm a quiet person. I can't support arguments, people speaking loud, as in a heated argument. I need to live in peace and quiet. I value it a lot. I need harmony and symmetry. I'm a bit to the minimalistic side and hate clutter. I prefer to live in small places, like a small two bedroom apartment. But I live in a relatively big house. My husband's choice.

I don't like house work, but I do keep my place clean. I'm a bad cook.

I have good friends, but all far away. But I know they're good friends. Sometimes we visit each other. Most were in love with me at some point, but I couldn't reciprocate. We stayed friends.

I can talk easily with complete strangers, but I'm very bad at small talk. So I have very good friends, or nothing at all. And they're all male. Because I don't like girly stuff. Since childhood it has been like this.

I don't have many material things, because I do hate clutter. I don't own a car, for instance, but financially, I could buy any car I'd want cash. I have enough savings to buy a flat anytime I want. I don't like shopping, I don't like dining out, going to the movies. I do love going out to dance and can dance any style. I love watching TV series, or movies and documentaries on TV.

Now, about my husband.

He just wants an easy, peaceful life. Like I do. He loves traveling, too. We have both visited tens of countries, together or separated. He has always worked. He loves doing sports and is a good runner, though a problem in his foot is preventing him from running for a few months. When we travel, we do sport stuff a lot.

He finds it very difficult to make friends. He would like to have friends, but he just can't make them. Whenever he has to talk to people, be at work, or in his private life, he says things that people normally don't say. His parents are just the same. They have not one friend. My husband has no friends at all.

Dealing with people is really difficult to him. He'll never make the good decision about what to say, how to say it. I blame it on a total lack of empathy. He isn't a mean person. Not at all. But he comes across as a mean guy to other people, because he can't communicate. He says offensive things, makes jokes that shouldn't be made to that particular person. When he needs to talk to people and it is important, I give him tips, we simulate it at home.

This makes him a man with no charisma. If he's talking to someone and somebody else arrives, he'll be just forgotten. And it hurts him.

When we met, his self-esteem was very, very low. I've pumped it a lot throughout the years. I'm proud of his sportive achievements and I say it. Whenever he does something well, I make a positive remark. It works, and now he's better than 20 years ago.

That's the reason when we talk about something that is negative to him, I have to be very, very careful. Because of his self-esteem issues.

About women, I'm his first. He had never been close to a woman before we've met. I'm also his first sexual experience. His first everything.

So, I feel responsible. I feel he depends on me. I feel I can't let him down.

_____________
How did we meet?

At a party, at university, while I was doing my PhD. I talk to everybody who talks to me. Beautiful, ugly, any age, any weight, any clothing. I have always been so. I've inherited it from my parents, who are very simple people. He perceived I was "easy" to talk to, and he approached me, offered me a drink.

Our second meeting was at the same place at the campus. That night, I've invited him to my flat and we only didn't have sex, because he didn't have a condom.

When he came back afterwards with condoms, he had a lot of problems to keep an erection and to have sex. I didn't give up on him. On the contrary: I wanted to help. On my journal of the time, I've written down, on our second encounter, that I was in love with him. Why? I don't know. Mysteries of the brain.

So, I've helped him fuck. We found things he liked: blowjobs and doggy style. And with time, this all worked. Other things, they don't work for him.

But he'd give me oral, touch me, very loving.

Not much later, he asked to move to my place. I didn't want and denied, but he insisted a lot, and his parents were against (he lived with his parents). When I've seen his parents all against, I was against, and he was fighting alone to get it, I felt endearing and let him come.

Years later, in 1996, we got married.

After marriage, our sex life went down. He stopped doing things like touching me. It reverted to blowjobs and fucking me from behind. I wanted him more, he wanted me less.

When we were dating, I could see he was different on the socializing thing. But I thought it was normal: he had always been alone. And we're from completely different cultures. But he had great qualities: he doesn't lie, he's honest, he pays his bills the day they arrive home, he's organized. He doesn't smoke, he doesn't drink in excess.

I've said he pays his bills the day they arrive and I'm sure some people will be thinking that's why I'm with him. So, I let you know that I make better money than he does. My salary has always been higher. Since the very beginning of our relationship, we always shared expenses. Movies, dining, all divided in two. House bills: all divided in two. House buying: we each paid half for our houses. Vacation: we pay our own expenses and share common expenses. I don't need his money. He doesn't need mine.

The problems: he's very egoistic. If there is a little food left over from a meal, the day after, he'll eat it all. If he cooks, he cooks only for himself. If I'm cold and I put on the heating, but he thinks it is too warm, he'll just switch it off. If I tell I'm cold, he'll just say "I'm warm", and he'll switch it the heating off anyway. If he comes to bed and I'm there, sleeping, he'll do as he always do, make noise, lights on, open and close doors and drawers... wake me up unnecessarily.

I've suffer from a herniated disc. The first time, I had urgent surgery, was screaming in terrible pain. He didn't take care of me post surgery. On the contrary, he'd make me do things that were harmful to me during recovery. He'd also ask for things, like, since I couldn't fuck, he'd ask me for blowjobs while I was convalescing from a spinal surgery on my neck.

Now, I have a second herniated disc, lumbar. When I have a flare up, he still wants to go hiking, if we were supposed to do it before the flare up. I tell him to go alone. He insists I go. I explain I'm in pain. He still insists. He also asks for blowjobs when I'm having a flare up.

If there is only one seat, he'll take it. He's really egoistic in every single thing, small or big.

I'm sure some of you are thinking I have what I deserve, after all, I did marry him. OK. So, I have what I deserve.

Well, why am I thinking of divorce? Because the adding up of all these little and big things during all these years, it's using me. At the beginning, I didn't realize it was so bad. He's a very distracted guy and I'd think it was distraction, forgetfulness, this kind of thing. It was so absurd, I didn't think it could be just the way it was.

My fault, surely. But I'm still suffering with it, be it my fault, or anyone else's fault. Blaming me, or blaming him, or blaming the weather, it makes no difference. The problem is real. My feelings and distress are real.

Having said all that, I got used to living alone, even though I'm married, sharing a house with a man. But the sex part... it really hurts me. I have a high sex drive. I'm not a nympho, but I need sex. I need to feel the hands of a man on my body. I never have the pleasure. Unless with strangers, in lifestyle clubs.

I feel responsible for him. I fear he'll be alone, if I leave. And the few times I've told him how miserable I was feeling and that I started to have divorce thoughts, he was desperate. He cried and pleaded. He says he loves me, and I believe him. I love him, too.

But I'm so lonely, so needy, so starved for affection.

Perhaps divorce seems obvious. But it isn't. In my own mental state, so desperate, so confused... I'm afraid I'm not thinking straight. I'm afraid I'm not fit to make such important decision. A decision that will hurt him, for sure. A lot.

My mind is sick, now. I think, after years without another human being touching me with love, I'm in such a state of deprivation, of lack of tenderness toward me... it's in my bones, this need to be touched. I'm really very desperate. It's sadness, confusion, neediness. It's desired that's never crushed. A thirst never quenched.

And because of all of that state I'm in, I'm afraid of making wrong decisions.

So, I'm writing here, opening my heart. I'd like to see how others see my situation.

I live 9000 km away from my family. 100s kms away from my good friends. And I don't like disturbing people with my problems, imposing on them. At least on the net, you folks only read if you want.

This is an escape valve. I know nobody can solve my problems, but myself, or my husband. But I needed to take it off my heart. Because I'm desperate.

In another thread, people thought I was writing to be called a martyr. It isn't that. I'm opening my heart. I'm just a woman. I'm not an angel, I'm not super anything, I'm not a martyr. I'm not better than anyone else. I'm not trying to ask for attention, trying to play victim. I live the life I've chosen. I deserve whatever it is I'm going through. The only reason to write is to take it off my chest. It is not to explode... not to implode.

And I'd like to have opinions of people other than myself: how can I deal with this situation? If I divorce, I'll make him very, very sad. I'm not even talking about just how sad I'll be. Divorce isn't to be taken lightly. If I do it, I need to know I've tried all other solutions.

 

I am glad that you don't take divorce lightly a person shouldn't. The only thing I can see that you haven't done is see a counseler. I know you are at your wits end and this could be a way to show him that he is selfish and that you are serious about change or it will end up in divorce. I know it is hard to do but if things don't change why would you want to continue to share your precious time with him. Get away from him, let him figure out his own life and you go live the life you want to and find someone who will respect you and give you the love you deserve.

There are alot of people on here that have similar circumstances they can share with you and talk to you and be of some help. If you don't find those people PM me and I will tell them of your story and have them contact you. I would be easier if you would turn on your private messages. Good Luck and please keep us informed. There are a lot of very carring people on here.

 

Thank you, TAZER.

Do you think counseling would add something? The problems are in the open. When we've talked, it wasn't a fight. We never fight. It was an adult conversation. We've asked all the questions, answered all the questions, listened to what the other had to say.

I've always thought counseling was there to help people talk to find out what their issues were and then be able to address them. In our case, we both know what the issues are.

He asks nothing from me. I asked things of him, but he won't do them. He just can't do them.

Do you think counseling would still add something? I'm asking, because I don't know. I don't know anyone who's been to counseling to ask about it.

 

No, I do not know if it would help you. It may not help at all but it might wake him up to the fact that you are serious about the problems you two have and you need a fix or a way out. You would at least have peace of mind that you did everything in your power to make it work. I hope the best for you, I really do.

 

It will always be difficult to know when the right time is. I made up my mind when I realised that I was watching my life ebb away and I was so miserable I just wanted every day to end.

I took the decision to get a divorce and got on with it. I have since found the love of my life, we have married and we are fairytale happy.

I hope you can work out what is the right decision for you, and I hope you find happiness.

 

You need a counsellor. Yes it will help.
Many of the threads you have started seem to focus on how much love is lacking from your husband and how miserable you are. As for divorce......staying married so it doesn't make your husband sad....is it worth sacrificing your own happiness??? Why does your happiness not matter???? I think given the situation you are dealing with and tolerating in slilence it is you with the self esteem issues.

 

it's probably a good idea to talk to a marriage councilor


I recommend that you start by seeing one unilaterally, then talk to him about seeing one together

part of this may be communication problems

seeing a councilor may help you salvage your marriage, or to end it as gracefully as possible

hope that this all works out

 

How many more of these threads are we gonna have to endure from you? I mean, seriously... this is like your 5th or 6th thread all based on your same sorry situation .

 

I'm sorry I'm spoiling your browsing pleasure, xxaru. It was never my intention.

I think I've seen a setting in UserCP to add people to one's ignore list. Check it out. Perhaps if you add just_a_woman to your ignore list, you won't see my threads/posts anymore. I promise I won't change my user name to hunt you.

If that doesn't work, you can always just avoid reading posts where you see just_a_woman written beside it.

 

This ^^^^^^ If you don't like what someone is posting avoid them. Simple.

 

Thank you, Lady-Lover. I'm happy for you, you've found your perfect match.

 

now...now is the time to ask for a divorce

 

TAZER, Sassygurl and e7m8,

thank you for your messages. I'll talk to a professional on my own first. I don't know if that will help, but at least I wanna know from a professional if they think they can do something to help.

 

I think that there is a good chance that a professional will be able to help you in one way or another, that is, help you fix it or help you end as best as you can

as with any therapy, it's often helpful/necessary to shop around and find someone that is a good fit for you

if you ever get to the point that both you and your husband are in counseling together, it may be helpful/necessary to find someone different if your husband doesn't like the counselor or feels as if they counselor favors you over him

 

That is a great idea. I wish you all the luck in the world to find some kind of closure on this.

 

I know some people tried to pm me and it didn't work. I know that because I've read it in comments, or threads. I wanna thank you.

I didn't block pms. I think I just don't have right to PM yet. Perhaps only after posting a given number of posts, or being here a given number of days, one can PM. I've looked in UserCP for options linked to messaging and didn't see any.

I also can't write comments in people's pages. I can only thank you here.

 

Kind of hard to avoid when every other thread is another version of the same sad story from the OP.



And BTW, Rolling... If you have something to say then say it out loud. Real adults don't hide their little messages in a neg rep .

 

I'll say it out loud.

The lady has some problems and comes here for guidance. She has no close friends where she lives, and no family close.

Who are you to arrogate to yourself the right to criticise her? Add her to your ignore list if you don't wish to read her posts. Or just don't read them, as I don't read many posts by certain members.

Seriously, grow up. Or shut up.

 

Did you try putting me on your "ignore list"? I think it is worth to try. Give it a go and see if you get rid of me for good. I suspect that if you put me in the ignore list, you won't see my posts anymore.

I'm really sorry I'm causing you so much trouble. :-(

 

I respect that. And just like you and her have the right to voice your opinion in reference to her issues, I also have the right to voice my opinion on her posting multiple threads on the same damn topic. You can ignore my post just the same as I can do hers. So why not just do it?