im turning 20 next weekend. im currently living with my boyfriend whom ive been with for a year now. towards my last year of high school my problems at home peaked so all that mattered to me was being on my own, school wasn't much of a priority given that i had no idea wtf i wanted to do. i didn't want to be like all the other students who were forced into a field of study that they either thought they'd eventually have a passion for, or because of what their parents wanted. what a waste of money to me. especially when i see graduates come into where i work applying for jobs. dont get me wrong, im sure its great for meeting people and for the experience itself, im not ruling school out. right now, i just dont see myself there, nor do i have a clearer idea of what i want to do? actually tbh i know what i like and i know what i want. but they dont exactly relate to wanting to work. i want to travel and have fun, relax, who doesnt lol. and i def know that i dont want to be stuck making barely past min wage forever. i dont know man. im also a bit lazy and unmotivated overall, i think it's partially due to being slightly depressed and cynical. ive been trying to cultivate more positivity into my life but there's this emptiness in me, like im never going to be satisfied or something? sounds fucked. i feel like since my mid teens ive been experiencing an existential crisis. i do believe that life is inherently meaningless, but sometimes i look at society and think of how sad and materialistic so many people are. i want a simple life, i dont want to be poor of course, but i dont desire wealth. the problem here is that my life and everything ahead of it, and just life in general, is so ambiguous and vague. i feel like theres just a lot of pressure to become something but i dont even rly know who i am or what makes me "me". my bf shares similar sentiments in terms of school, the banal idea of having a career... we're a little lost and unmotivated. what should i do to help fill this void and to get a better sense of who i am and what direction i should head in life? edit: when i think about it... i feel like what would bring more purpose into my life is if i can give back to someone simply based on my experiences. i feel like im a very understanding person and even if i dont know exactly what someone's been through, i'm far from judgmental or at least i keep in mind not to judge.
I wish I could help but honestly, most of what you said sounds so much like me. Unfortunately, I'm beginning to think of having a job as a necessary evil if you want to keep your independence. At the same time, I don't think I could ever compromise. Be it my beliefs or my unwillingness to cut my hair. Not to mention, I hate working with groups of people. It all sounds so soul crushing because you're really just putting a price on how much you're willing to make your life suck just so you can pay rent. What jobs could there possibly be that aren't outright intolerable? At this point, you gotta be very creative to keep from working a real job. I'm drowning in apathy in regards to my future. Sometimes I think it wouldn't really matter to me if I die before I grow too old. Life isn't gonna be much easier. The way things are in this era, it's a downward spiral and what's the point in life if you can't enjoy it? Technology has killed the job market for the non-college educated and the economy has made it so you can't slack off. and it's not just about being a lazy fuck, watching cartoons all day (although I am very lazy). It's about enjoying life as it was meant to be, taking it as an adventure and not having a bunch of obligations to tie you down. It all sounds so much better than working slave hours until you're dead. As tired as it sounds, try to find something you like. Maybe take up an instrument, painting, creative writing, whatever. See what you can do with it, maybe try to juggle a couple things at once if it makes you enough money, so long as they're things you enjoy. Good luck and happy early birthday.
If you are easily offended, don't read this. ---------- Part 1 of helping process ---------- Option 1) Get shitty job, live the simple life and enjoy it. Option 2) Find a hobby and try to make money on it. If you can't find a hobby, go to Option 1. Option 3) Learn something that you want to do and make money with it. If sitting on ass and browsing net are only things you want to do, go to Option 1. Option 4) Get a "thinking" job. If you don't think, go to Option 1. ---------- Part 2 of helping process ---------- too much pot Go to Mongolia and join a tribe. And you still don't. Looks like you have shitton of free time. Do something. Instead you became a person with no perspectives with a job you don't have passion for. You can change it. ---------- Part 3 of helping process ---------- You didn't tell anything about what you do, know, or want to do. If you don't know anything, start gaining skills/knowledge. If you know something, broaden it. ========== Btw. I am stoned, drunk, tired and sleepy, but I think it still makes sense what I wrote. You know what. The worst thing is that you can't change things in a day. It has to take time and meantime you should find this inner strenght and in spite of these moments, when living another second is the most powerfull pain, you should keep going. All there is, is hope. It is easy to fall to the bottom, but it is hard to climb back. === And as BuryMeInSmoke said, when trying new things, try multiple at once.
For one,consider how long dead is. Life is like a gift that needs to be opened time and again. Problem is,you've seen behind the "curtain" and realize how much is ridiculous in the way it is ALL set up. Some measure of acceptance is required,but to seek and hopefully find a passion is about all we can do in this short time we have in our limited biological forms. "When knowledge is desired,a teacher will appear". Castenada had that one right.
