Should I be open about my sexuality or is there no need to?

First I will explain a bit about myself.

As an 11 year old boy I was physically and sexually abused by my step father on multiple occasions over a period of a few years (quite frequently of varying severity) up to and including violence with penetration. My first sexual encounter was a smelly, alcohol soaked, 40 year old male. Up until then I thought I had a girl friend because I could sit next to one on the bus, hold hands and was not scared of catching girl germs.

Later on in high school I started to find myself looking at the other boys in the change rooms at the swimming pool and find myself admiring their cocks, even thinking what it would be like to touch them. Later I went to a boarding school and this got even worse, to a point I thought of boys as much as girls. This caused me a lot of anxiety as I assumed it was the sexual abuse that made me this way.

After school but in my teen years, I had a sexual relationship with an older male. I did not enjoy anal as he was not very gentle and it hurt, but I really did enjoy playing with and sucking his cock, even happy to swallow his cum. Again this caused a lot of anxiety, my assumption was that the assault had made me gay. The result was I repressed the same sex urges, joined the army and focussed on females, even to the point of marrying before I was really ready. The problem was I would often still fantasize about males.

After many years I again relented to my urges and had another encounter with a male and thoroughly enjoyed it. By this time I was married with a daughter so it was on the sly, something I am not proud of at all and will always regret that as I do see it as cheating. My marriage broke down soon after that (for other reasons) and I soon found myself having sexual encounters with another 4 males, only 2 females. It was at this time I started to accept my sexuality and realised I was not gay, I considered myself Bi as I could thoroughly enjoy sex with both.

So I am now 41 years old and have been in a state of acceptance of my sexuality for the past 10 years. My current partner whom I love very much knows I am Bi and knows of my previous considerable same sex encounters. She is ok with it, she accepts it and even considers it just filling a desire and not even cheating. Having said that I have not played with a guy since we have been serious (I did early in the relationship which she knows about). She even finds it a major turn on and enjoyed the videos of me sucking cock.

The problem I have now is I am not exactly open about it to others. There are a very select few that know but they are only ones I can totally trust to keep quiet about it. I have previously thought that my sexuality is my business and should not be important to others, to a point I go out of my way to hide it. Now I am starting to think about that and although I don't think I need to introduce myself as Bi to everyone, I am starting to think that I should not hide it either. My partner now has said she supports me, she is not worried about people knowing but the important thing is what I am comfortable with.

I know that my friend list will get smaller if I am more open about it but that does not worry me, friends I lose as a result are not real friends. I guess my biggest concern is I don't like letting people too close (historically they have hurt me) but I also hate feeling like I am living under false pretenses and not being me.

What do you all think? Do I need to be more open about it?

PS, sorry for the long post and I hope you are still awake.

 

One major problem with any notion of coming out is the position of those whom you are coming out to.

Think about it. You want to share the details of your intimacy with other people? This puts them in an awkward position. What are they supposed to tell you. OK, they are cool with it. Do you need their approval to be who you are, and live your life as you find fit? Hardly so.

Some people may not be all that cool with it. Is their disapproval going to change anything? Are you going to stop being who you are because they disapprove of it? Probably not.

I am not advocating that you should be actively hiding out who you are. You are free to introduce your GF as your GF. I doubt that many people will ask about the details of your sexual exploits with each other. If you are hanging out with another male you should be free to say so as in this is my friend, BF, partner ... I also doubt that too many people will come asking for the details. The grown ups usually know what this is all about, and will leave out the details.

KD

 

Well for me there are only 3 people in the world who know I'm bi, my wife, my best friend and a friend who used to work at the same place as me who I am still in contact with that I feel I can trust.

Now 2 out of 3 of those people have not taken the news too well which kinda sucks because I'm talking about my wife and my best friend here.

That doesn't mean I regret telling them though, I don't, I've come to realise I'm me and I can't change who I am, nor should I have to.

I'm not at the stage of telling my 3 boys because I don't want to overload their heads with something they might be uncomfortable with. That said, if they asked me to my face I would be honest and I suspect they have their suspicions after overhearing heated discussion with my wife.

I think I'm at the point where I wouldn't deny who I am if asked but I don't want to go around proclaiming to the world I'm bi. I have no plans to tell my parents or everybody at work. Although there is a new guy there who has told me he is gay and I'd like to return the honesty by telling him I'm bi.

I figure so long as I'm honest if questioned then I'm not living a lie and that's cool with me. :2thumbsup: