“First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons — but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which had lain quiet within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new, strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world — a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover about whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring — this lover can be man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth. Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else — but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined solely by the lover himself. It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.” ― Carson McCullers This quote really made me think about the concept of the unbalanced pair, the lover and the beloved and I realized that I am both (and sometimes I must choose between being the one being loved but not returning or being the unrequited lover) -- i think that this kind of pairing is a very common experience. In your lives what side of this experience have you usually had? are you the lover or the beloved?
I am the lover and with the lover! Can say with all honesty it is a two way street with us. There is no shortage of giving and receiving from either of us. Probably why it is the best relationship I have ever experienced with the best sex life I could ever imagine.
I've always been the lover when it comes to family. I've had to be the solid one, always. I'm the one looking out for everyone, trying to make sure everyone is happy, stays close. In intimate relationships I've always been the beloved, but not because I lack the desire to be otherwise.
I think that in long lived, mostly balanced relationships, lover and beloved is a changing status, much like the fish in a yin-yang symbol. We each are both, at differing times and we flow from one to the other.
That's the relationship we are all looking for I guess, right? But of course we have to find both sides of ourselves first. I recently wrote a poem about this idea. I think I will post it tomorrow
I have been a bit of both in different relationships in the past but these days I hardly focus on love. I have not craved to be loved in years but I do love friends, my family, my pets, plants, the earth, etc...I have become a hermit as I grow older. It is just love is not my focus anymore. My focus has been my music, art, my children, the house plants, a good book to read. A poem or story to write. They are all part of what I love but I do not think about it much until I read this post. I remember when I was young and love was all I thought about. I craved attention but I was not afraid to rock the boat. I was only rejected by a few unrequited loves but in my long term love relationships I was the independent one which drove my lovers nuts. I hated being clung too. I really do not like dividing it into the loved or beloved. It sounds to black and white to me. Every love you experience is never the same as any other you experience.
I'm a lucky person. I love easily and I like to be in love. On the other hand, since I know myself, I've always had a small number of men who were in love with me. Right now, I know of at least 3 men who love me very much. And all three of them have been in love with me for over 10 years. One of them has been in love with me for about 3 decades. Talking about other kind of love, my parents love me very much, and I love them back with the same intensity. I love my in-laws, too. Sometimes I have such a strong "love" feeling, my eyes fill up with tears, so intense is the emotion.
I don't really know if I'm beloved unless they come out and say it. And I could have secret admirers and never know it because they're secret. I know when I love (ie infatuated, or lustful, or lonely), it's almost an unhealthy attachment that makes me ache.
I am the lover but except for brief periods in my life have not been the beloved. I love my wife with unwavering intensity. Every time I see her I am filled with desire and I just love to bask in her presence. she says she feels the same way about me but the truth is different. She loves me, cares about me deeply, would never cheat on me and would never intentionally do anything to hurt me but she is not capable of the depth or intensity of feeling that I have for her. It's not her fault, no woman has been able to, except in the beginning of of the relationship. I am happiest when we are having sex and when I am doing things for her, whether it is getting her coffee, warming up her car, giving her a foot rub, whatever. My wife on the other hand is a little lazy and complacent toward me. She is very reluctant to move out of her comfort zone and lacks creativity in thinking of ways to make me happy. She says no to me easily, whereas I almost never say no to her unless it is to say we can't afford to spend money on something. (I manage the family finances). I have an unlimited reservoir of energy to tap into to please her, when she is tired I am just another tax on her. It wasn't always thus. In the beginning of our relationship she was wild about me, whereas I was cautious but when we moved back to her hometown she resumed a strong daily relationship with her mother and some of her friends she started taking me for granted. Children, career and going back to school pushed me farther and farther down the priority list. It wasn't until she almost lost me to a massive and nearly fatal staph infection (3 weeks in the ICU) that she realized how much she took me for granted. the dynamic of our relationship is I start to feel unappreciated and get sad and angry and then she tries to make amends. Then she tries for awhile before becoming complacent again. we have a strong marriage, we are best of friends, have great sex several times a week and communicate very well but it is not a 50/50 endeavor, it's more like 70/30. I have stopped focusing on the shortcomings in my wife. She is an amazing woman, great mother and a better wife than I probably deserve. I must be one difficult sonofabitch to live with. Aside from my Parkinson's, which makes even the simplest daily tasks like eating, shaving or brushing my teeth an ordeal, my chronic back pain, an Aortic Aneurism that prevents me from intense physical exertion is an underlying and pervasive sadness and cynicism. After years, make that decades, I have learned to cope with all the frustrations, resentments and regrets about my life by drinking. Drinking is the only thing I do for me. I drink constantly unless I am at work or sleeping. It is my escape, my safety valve. It keeps me going to work and dealing with bills and health problems and forgetting about how I have done nothing with my life except father two children and be the best husband I can be for my wife. I am a lucky guy to have her so I'll keep giving, it is my thank you to her.
