Abusive relationship leading to rough sex...

My first relationship started when I was 16, id already lost my virginity but this was my first proper sexual experience. It was an abusive relationship, verbally and physically. Sex was always quite rough and all for him. Even when I didn't want it, he would hold me down and instead of fighting I would just shut down. The relationship lasted 2 years, I ended it after having his child, I knew I couldn't raise a child in that environment.
Now, 6 years on, my confidence is shattered, I am negative about myself all the time, I don't know how to be any different.
Sex is a different matter, I love rough sex now, the kinkier the better. Its almost like I’m degrading myself during sex. I get turned on being called a slut etc. By rough sex I mean, being spanked, hair pulled, biting. Sometimes I want to beg the guy to punch me, for the thrill. I know this isn't normal.
I meet men and not long after meeting them, usually the first night, I sleep with them, to get them to like me. My mentality is, if I give them really good kinky sex, they'll love me. Even if I’m told its 'just sex' I don’t believe it. And when they leave or get with another girl, they usually come back, I like to think its because they love me, but really its because I’m easy.
I have a history of depression and self harm, and sought help before but I’m too embarrassed to admit the above
I know I shouldn't do it, I can see how silly it is but its impossible to stop. I get into a totally different mind set when it comes to men.
I always thought all girls were the same, loved rough kinky sex but I get told by men they don’t actually.
I want a loving relationship, a normal relationship but fear this will plague my life forever.
I know the obvious solution would be to stop seeing men, but I cant be single forever, and even taking a break from dating, the kinkiness would come back as soon as I started again.

 

sorry that you've had so much trouble

seeing a therapist might help.

I guess the main issue is if you like rough sex because of a lack of self-esteem, or if even with self-esteem you would still like rough sex.

You might be able to find a boyfriend who could be loving to you and also give it to you rough

 

Hello, how old are you?
Maybe it'll be better if you don't sleep with those men you want to love you. If somebody really likes you, sleeping with them isn't really necessary and besides, you can not "make" them love you, it is impossible. Just try to focus on different things then sex in relationships, otherwise nothing can help you, honestly. You've probably heard of high Eros and low Eros? If a person lives with low Eros (sex is called so), it will definitely kill her/his soul, believe me. I've never had sex and I'm not planning to have it in nearest future, but I've really tried to killed the high Eros, I made it shut up for more then 3 years and the result is that I've been having unmanisfasted (hidden) depression since then, and I'm continuing to have it now, it feels like I'm really DEAD.
Have you ever loved anyone (man) from a distance, without a real need to get some close relationship from him?