marriage failing

It is very easy to become in a rut in a relationship and for both people to stop trying to look good and be desirable.

Start working on yourself (for you) and up your game over time, making yourself more sexy, appealing, trim up if necessary etc after letting him know that his ignorance is unacceptable.

Perhaps consider not rewarding him with sex for ignoring you - by giving him sex, things will remain in that continual cycle of ignoring you until he wants sex.

Once he sees you are putting time and effort into yourself (and getting noticed by others) he will either up his game or remain as is. If the former, then good, if the latter, you will be ready to move on and you will have worked on yourself to be the best you can physically and mentally, leaving him behind on the desirable scale.

I think it is very important to keep the fire burning by both making each other as desirable as you can for one another. When people don't, as the years go by, frumpy couch potato's who are out of shape, unappealing with no zest for life, love and sex are left. By both keeping in tip top condition and keeping desire, sexting, being more together in the bedroom, breaking any "silent" rut, and being impulsive, the relationship remains exciting.

 

Son, its time we sat down and had a talk about the birds and the bees, we are going to talk about girls.

"Sure dad, what do you want to know?"

 

That response has nothing to do with parenting and everything to do with the fact that the internet is implemented in most homes, there is so much free porn on the net, in addition to the sex education in schools and also the sex portrayed within film/TV today.

Most boys will have seen porn by the age of 12/13 nowadays if not much sooner, and most will have seen sex in other ways such as movies etc.

Thirty years ago, or even 20 years ago this was not the case, but even back then, young kids knew about the mechanics of sex from either parents, school sex education (taught in our school at 10 yrs old 40 years ago), and off other children.

So.... Your post makes no sense.

 

Yeah, there was no porn around 30 years ago.

:coffee:

 

No I disagree, I think this is using sex as a weapon and can start a more downward spiral in the relationship and won't fix anything without clear communication.

Talking and compromising in a realistic way, is in my view, still the best way to work out problems.

 

Of course there was, but it wasn't anywhere as easily accessible by 12 year olds like it is today. No internet for one thing, which is where most porn is viewed in today's society - that was my point.

:afro:

 

Yes communicate of course, I am not saying do not let him know the score and just remove sex......that would be a bad move.

What I am saying is if a person is ignored until they want sex, and that sex is given freely each time, nothing will change.

It's not using sex as a weapon in a negative respect, it is saying "if you only pay attention to me when you want sex, is it right for me to keep on giving it to you?"

Essentially the person is being used, and self respect is diminished. Not giving into sex by request would stop the cycle and give back some self worth, stop the "duty" sex, and make him realise he cannot use his partner in this manner anymore.

The talk MUST come along with the removal by saying "If you are going to ignore me except when you want sex then our relationship cannot continue in this way, and I am not willing to just be here for sex..... Etc...."

 

Two people can "communicate" until hell freezes over....but if the cited behavior doesn't change as a result of discussion and agreement, then communication isn't the answer. It has been no secret how discontent I've been in our marriage. It was met with unresponsiveness. What it boils down to is that I am a relationship person, and he is a recluse/self-interests person. That will never change.

 

Well a relationship will never work out if one of its members is a selfish one... been there done that...

 

LOL, I just fell off my chair. Did someone here say communication isnt the key?

Hallelujah!

 

Where did someone say that? Communication is ALWAYS key, but change in BEHAVIOUR is just as important, in fact more so, because as Calgirl states, communication is useless if behaviour doesn't change. A change in behaviour IS communicating or do you think unless it is spoken, there is no communication?

Yeah....never mind.

 

Says you. I know what I saw 30 years ago. The only difference is that today you don't have to cut down a tree to get a picture distributed.

 

I said that communication is not key. Listening is, and sticking to the agreements you arrive at.

 

Actions speak louder than words. Either way, I hope the divorce is as amicable as can be for you and wish you well for the future.

 

I am actually on Calgirls side, no real reason to stay in a stale realitionship, you only have one life and all that, and they still will probably stay friends.

But the hubby does sounds like he got the worse end of the bargain, what did talking ever accomplish if she was just going to get bored anyway

What behaviour was supposed to change in the husband, that he just sit back let her fuck other guys and then try even harder in the marriage? Dafuq???

 

I will say I do agree with this.
I certainly would not have as much motivation to "make it work" if my spouse had been involved in multiple affairs.

 

That's cool guys. But you see.....it wasn't after the affairs I was pleading. It was the 26 prior to the affairs. Yeah, maybe leave. I chose to stay and I feel better about myself for doing it, no matter how much you make me look bad.

 

Today we spoke more about how to go forward.

Apparently, cohabitating isn't something he could do as well as I. Despite that we've been doing it for 1.5 years since he discovered my affair, he doesn't think he can finish it out for another 2 years. Being divorced is a contingency for him, and subsequently live separate.

For years each of us has been totally withdrawn from each other. I've had to detach to survive. To me, this is just a continuation.

 

:coffee: