free spirit trapped in dependent lifestyle

My mother and I have been through a lot of hardships. When I used to live with her, I lied to her all the time so I could go out and drink/do drugs (at them time it was DXM). She found out my lies and now we're working on rebuilding trust. it got really extreme when i was irresponsible with substances in the past and she took me to the ER. what she doesnt understand is, im not that same girl anymore. ive become more mature and i know how to control myself better.

I like to go to rainbow gatherings. ive only been to 2 regional ones as of last year and i loved it. Im 18 now so I am allowed to go and do as I please. But my mother doesnt like how i go to these, especially because last time i failed to tell her where i was until 2 weeks later, and i hitchhiked out of state for the first time with some friends. i didnt tell her at first because i was more immature at this point. i was like "im 18 i dont need to ask peoples approval for shit, im tired of caring, let's fucking go!!" she's really worried about me and kinda doesnt want me to go, she doesnt support me in my love for rainbow either, though she said "im not gonna say you cant go but im not gonna root you on if you do, either." she's worried im going to go out and drink and do drugs and make dangerous choices.

i want to live independently but i cant cuz i still got no job. i got my ID, SS card, birth certificate, and im starting a class in college in may lasting for 5 weeks. im living with my grandma right now because im not yet able to support myself on my own. my plan was to go to the national rainbow gathering this summer in montana (it would be my first national gathering attended ), but it makes it hard when none of my family especially my mom supports me or trusts me in this. all i want to do is make my own decisions and to follow my heart. i found myself at Rainbow. it changed my life. it's not something im going to throw away no matter what people say.

i think my moms worried that if i go travel again then im gonna neglect all of my future plans. but im not. i actually do want to go to college to learn new things, expand my mind, and to figure out what career path i want to go down. in fact i plan on continuing college in fall to take my pre requisites.

im trying my best to show mom that im gonna be more responsible in my travel. im trying to get a reliable ride that can take me to the gathering and back to my hometown. i also want to tell my family about my plans before i leave because i love them and dont want them to worry as much. i want to be safer in my travels this time, so i dont end up being stuck somewhere like i did last time. people would say "your 18 you shouldnt care just do it", but it's not that easy when im trying to work on my relationship with my mother. i love her.

a part of me feels guilty cuz im going to worry her again when i leave, and as honest as ive been with her, ive still had to lie about some things cuz she doesnt need to know everything. the truth is, i do like to drink sometimes, and i do like to do certain drugs on occasion. but i didnt tell her that, in our counseling session i told her that when i left last time all i did was pot (the one drug she accepts) and drink alcohol. i feel bad for lying but if i told her my drug history then she'd be even more worried and lose her trust in me and we'd have to start all over again. it's like i have to hide parts of myself from her but at the same time, im honest about a lot of things.

she might also think im going through a phase, cuz i went through a lot of those in high school and she witnessed them all. i dont want to feel bad by following my love for Rainbow and traveling...but with all of this going on it's hard to just simply do it.

any advice? how can i get my mom to understand that i am trying to be more responsible? how can i not feel guilty for something i like to do? how can i work towards becoming independent in my choices?

 

This post has been up for a while..please guys I need your help.

 

Hey, Brightness.

I hope you can have both a basically OK relationship with your mom and your free life, though that's pretty challenging at times.

Your mom may or may not ever fully accept your choices. I know there are quite a few choices I have made (and still make) that my mom doesn't accept, though I'm now forty-six years old and haven't been living with her anymore for a very long time now because I have my own life. We see one another occasionally, and there are things we sort of agree to disagree on, but we essentially get along.

It is your choice where you go and what you do with your mind and body. It may be that your mom is freaking out because of past experiences, and that sucks, but it sounds like she might be more genuinely concerned than just being fascist. I'd recommend, especially since you and she have some trust issues, having a really 100% honest discussion with her, with mutual respect, about how things can best work while you're there. There may be some things neither one of you are really willing to bend on, and if that turns out to be the case, you might have to find some other sustainable arrangement so you can get your life going. I ended up completely messing up college before I ever had the courage to tell my mom "Hey, I was there more for you than for me," and as a result I put both of us through hell. I'm not saying you should make the same decision I did, just that I think the best thing for you and your mom right now is honesty and respect. I think it's fair of her to expect to be told the truth, but I also think it's fair of you to expect the freedom to make your own choices and mistakes. Keep in mind, though, she's your mom, and most parents never entirely get over thinking of their children as...well, children. Especially if, in the parent's mind, the child has already in some way Screwed Up. Only time and continuing to be in one fully functional piece is likely to get your mom past that, if anything.

All things in moderation, including moderation itself, and keep those synapses firing.

I hope that helps.

 

Brightness, you are 18 years old, and officially an adult. You can do anything you choose to do, AS LONG AS YOU CAN PAY FOR IT. You cannot reasonably expect your mother to support you while you do things of which she does not approve. You want to go to Rainbow against your mother's wishes? Fine. If you were my daughter you would find your stuff boxed up and waiting for you when you got back, and your room turned into my hobby room or something.

You are past the age when Mom has to take responsibility for you. Are you telling me there's no burger-flipping jobs in your city? I don't believe it. If you want to be independent, GO GET A JOB AND BE INDEPENDENT, as in living on your own, paying your own rent, paying your own bills, feeding yourself and making your own decisions. It's true that working six shifts a week at McDonalds or Asian Gardens will put a crimp in your free time. Too bad. Welcome to adulthood. It's true that if you take off for Rainbow or Burning Man or whatever you will probably lose your job. That's life. Either you take responsibility for yourself, or you remain dependent on your mother. And with dependence comes "Her house, her rules." You don't like it? Get a job and move out.
Oh, one more thing. DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANYBODY WITHOUT BIRTH CONTROL PILLS AND CONDOMS/PROTECTION. Your situation is a classic risk where an 18-year-old girl gets pregnant by a brainless, irresponsible boy and winds up trying to raise a baby, by herself, on welfare. You think life sucks now? Try dealing with raising a baby. And not going to Rainbow, or anywhere else, for years.

My advice (not that you asked) is stay at your mother's house, abide by her rules, GO TO COLLEGE AND GRADUATE, then get a job and you can go to Rainbow on vacation, like the rest of the world. My friend's daughter dropped out of college and after a year or so of answering phones for a living, went back to school, became a registered nurse and now she's making $70,000 a year working in an intensive care unit at a general hospital. Her first job as a nurse paid $20 an hour. That's $40,000 a year. You could probably live pretty well on that.

 

Sorry. Double post.